Monday, October 19, 2015

Three civic improvements for Little Rock

Posted By and on Mon, Oct 19, 2015 at 9:55 AM

Are you a bad enough dude to storm the River Market gate? - BRYAN MOATS
  • Bryan Moats
  • Are you a bad enough dude to storm the River Market gate?

ROWE: We’ve been looking through the stats for our Internet column here and have decided to start utilizing the analytics in an effort to serve you, the reader, better. We call this attention to numbers MONEYCOLUMN, based off Moneyball, which is an idea that most men ages 25-50 think they can articulate very well but probably can’t. As a Millennial American, I promise to continue the great American tradition of using words I don’t really know the full meaning of.

BRASHER: We don’t always contribute to the Big Ideas issue that the Times puts out every year. In fact, we never do. But what we do is talk about doing it and then hoard our big ideas for the right time. Now is that time.

ROWE: So we’re going hyperlocal this edition.We’re gonna get those shares by engaging in civic pride. It’s going to murder our syndication plans, but we’re just in it for the likes, so here are our new ideas for Little Rock, Ark., a fine city.


ROWE: There is a disease and it’s causing great injury in Little Rock. Of course, I’m talking about all those people who have died trying to get in to Chick-Fil-A on Markham Street over by Park Plaza Mall.

BRASHER: People all kneeling reverently at the pile of roadside crosses, pouring out some honey mustard for all the dead homies onto the Markham sidewalk. A lone EMT sitting in the Chick-Fil-A looking out the window with the ambulance parked in the lot, still running. An employee is all “Do you want another refill of lemonade, hon?” “No thanks... work to do,” as they watch 17 cars worth of confirmation students, Young Life counselors, soccer moms and assorted nondenominational ministers collide into a molten heap of smoldering wreckage at the parking lot entrance.

ROWE: Inside every Chick-Fil-A, usually on the wall above the door to the restroom area, there’s a quote from founder S. Truett Cathy: “Food is essential to life. Therefore, make it good.” This quote is more than something you’d find in a dummy’s guide to armchair philosophy — it’s a template for our own statue. I recommend a large statue in the middle of the turn lane on Markham of a chicken with a broken wing. Inscribed on the wing will read: “Chick-Fil-A is essential to my lunch break. Therefore, please oh God don’t kill me.”


click to enlarge The majestic backdrop in question.
  • The majestic backdrop in question.

BRASHER: Just look at that thing, it’s incredible, such a majestic backdrop. Why is Sho Kosugi not fighting Van Damme in front of it right now? What a waste. I’ve lived here all my life and I have not seen one fight in front of this structure. With so many bars full of aggressive and wasted bros in the River Market, could their petty disputes not be settled here? I suggest people #takeittothegate. We get a live feed up, side bets, the whole deal. People waving pieces of paper and screaming, that thing where you dip your gloves in powdered glass, maybe some girls standing around in stretch dresses, dudes in leather vests carrying chains, all the good fighting pit things we come to expect.

ROWE: There’s no reason that we can’t have the River Market dojo as a background in the next Street Fighter game. I was in Iriana’s having dinner one night during the Taekwondo convention, and I sat next to a large group of people from Ohio or Phoenix and they mostly were throwing shade at Little Rock. “I didn’t expect LIttle Rock to have so much to do!” was the general consensus. One person said they had read how dangerous Little Rock was and said that he had yet to see it, and then said, “but it’s okay, because we all know Taekwondo.” Never have I wanted a group of people to put their skills to the test. I want Little Rock to inspire fear and awe in the people of Ohio or Phoenix. I want there to be mortal kombat outside the River Market Kumite. What’s that place called, anyway?

click to enlarge This is how it should look.
  • This is how it should look.

BRASHER: The Statehouse Convention Center fighting ground is apparently called the H.U. Lee International Gate and Garden. I haven’t seen the garden yet but that’s probably because I haven’t made it past the Gate stage. Who is the final boss that lurks behind the gate? Is it Jay Chesshir of the Chamber of Commerce, who drags his hapless foes into his waiting fist with great wealth and political influence? Could it be Ward 1 city director Erma Hendrix with her devastating bike lane rage blast fatality? Maybe a dark horse like John Iriana whose finishing move involves violence and pizza somehow? Any of these people have had plenty of time to train at the gate and hone themselves into killing machines.


ROWE: Arkansas is the natural state. I have read that on a license plate. Outdoors-based tourism is as essential to the local economy as plasma and wigs. We need very much a new destination for 2016.

BRASHER: Have you ever needed camouflage to blend in ... WITH THE SKY? Rising over Little Rock, on the very top of Pinnacle Mountain, the world’s tallest deer stand! Rentable Barrett 50 caliber and Cheytac intervention long range rifles will make sure you take down and probably splatter into molecular paste any buck anywhere in the entire park, Natural Steps, or possibly Maumelle (factoring for wind, air pressure and the Coriolis effect.) Vector laser range finders will be available. Also as part of a civic/corporate synergy rebrand, Pinnacle will now also be known as Yum! brands presents Pinnacle Mountain.

click to enlarge Last time we were at the Pinnacle pinnacle, we watched these people vape and look at their phones.
  • Last time we were at the Pinnacle pinnacle, we watched these people vape and look at their phones.

ROWE: Last time I went up to the summit at Pinnacle I just watched some people vape and look at their phones. Pinnacle Mountain is the prettiest place to vape and to look at your phone. I hope that the city wins that award in Vape and Look at Your Phone Monthly. (Advertising sales for Vape and Look at Your Phone Monthly are already underway, please contact Lindsey Millar of the Arkansas Times for more information.)

BRASHER: *vapes, looks at phone* 

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