Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Facebook News Alerts: No, really, they are all satire - so far, at least

Posted By on Wed, Nov 7, 2012 at 11:17 AM

Over the past year or so I have amused myself by writing fake “News Alerts” on Facebook, whenever the mood has struck me, skirting just so close to the edge of reality at times that occasionally I have annoyed folks by not providing a link to a website, so that they can pass along the information to others.

Some “praise” me by the suggestion I have been influenced by reading The Onion, but in truth, I don’t really read that humor paper very often. My humor roots go back to high school, when I was Humor Editor on my high school paper (not great writing, but it was fun), and, of course, by reading Mad magazine over the years, which at times is still the best political humor magazine in America.

Here are a few of them.

News Alert!

NEWS ALERT: As a result of the questioning of recent unemployment figures, House GOP members have opened up inquiry into NASA.

"How much gas does it REALLY take to get to the moon?" asked an Arkansas congressman on Fox and Friends today. "And is it any coincidence that since Obama took office, nobody talks about the canals on Mars?

"Somebody has to lead from the front on these scientifical issues, and he just didn't figure on us confronting him on this."

Subpoenas going all the way back to events in 1947 are expected.

***

NEWS ALERT: Mel Gibson plans directorial comeback with planned 2013 Christmas film, The Passion of the Claus, which will tell the story of how one man battles his way through myth and legend to become the figure we now know as Santa Claus.

The film, which is planned for an "R" rating, will feature the spiritual/physical scourging of the main character which so many have come to expect in recent Gibson epics - especially the segment where Claus is captured by Vlad the Impaler.

One insider close to the production says that the battle scenes will be among the most spectacular in movie history.

***

NEWS ALERT: House bill introduced by Oklahoma GOP congressman would require all "vagina users" to be both married AND heterosexual.

"This goes along the lines of small government that the Republican party preaches," an aide to the congressman said tonight. "This single bill would take care of so many issues facing this country that the Republican party has been attempting to deal with.

"We can't begin to work on the economy if we can't take care of the little ladies in our lives," the aide continued. "

***

NEWS ALERT: Romney campaign creates new role for volunteers: "Fact Creators."

Said a campaign adviser today, "Their role will be to create as many news stories and press releases about Barack Obama as possible, which he will be forced to contend with. Truth and information being so fluid and ever-changing in today's world, the exact amount of validity in each story will be entirely the responsibility of the White House. For example, Obama has NEVER addressed the issue of why you never see him and Charles Manson in the same room together.

“Maybe YOU haven't noticed, but our Fact Creators have, by god."

***

NEWS ALERT: House GOP bill - "Preserving the Integrity of American Elections Act of 2012" - would make it a felony to tape political candidates and provide the tapes to news sources.

"We need to protect the American people from getting possibly mangled information," said a Texas congressman tonight. "It's best if we rely on official campaign information to make our choices."

***

NEWS ALERT: Giving a speech to Naval Academy cadets, Mitt Romney laments the fact that if a fire breaks out on a submarine, you can't open a hatch and let water in to douse the flames.

***

NEWS ALERT: History Channel to do a series dealing with American historical figures and legends, from new light - the strobe lights of a UFO.

Said one "ancient astronaut theorist" frequently featured on the History Channel, "Does anybody REALLY believe that Johnny Appleseed could plant all of those trees without the help of alien beings? And what about that ox belonging to Paul Bunyan? Blue? Really? Obviously the result of alien genetic experimentation.

"And that gun of Davy Crockett's? Old Betsy. that he was always talking to? Only a complete idiot could fail to see that the weapon must have had some cybernetic enhancements."

The 12-part series, Wagon Train of the Gods, will air in January 2013.

***

NEWS ALERT: The novels of Ayn Rand will serve as the basis for a new children's cartoon series produced by Fox Television.

"They won't be literal adaptation," said a producer today, "but we'll be using the themes and some of the characters in the series, using the working title, Ayn's Kids.

"It will follow in the lines of the old Filmation series of the 1970s, when kids learned a valuable life lesson at the end of each episode."

***

NEWS ALERT: House GOP to launch probe into published works of President Obama, investigating claims of "hidden messages."

Said a Oklahoma congressman today, "Personally think that every loyal American should read Obama's books and see what sort of messages, codes or backward masking the books might contain. We don't want our children to all end up as future Manchurian candidates, do we?"

After a pause, the congressman said, "Well, they should read them AFTER the election."

***

NEWS ALERT: House GOP introduces "Defense Against Teachers' Unions Act of 2012," which would empower parents who are afraid that their children are being corrupted by liberal teachers.
"
"This bill would allow a Mom or Dad to simply send a note to school and say they DON'T want their kids being exposed to evolution, the work of gay writers, American history between !800 and 1980, civics classes and poetry that doesn't rhyme," said an Oklahoma congressman today.

***

NEWS ALERT: Donald Trump has made a "one-night-only" offer to Barack Obama:

Concede the election for Ten Million Dollars.

******

Quote of the Day

Among those I like, I can find no common denominator; but among those I love, I can; all of them make me laugh. - W.H. Auden

rsdrake@cox.net

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