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At least three of the high ganders at Vulpine News were all a-honk last week at having turned over a vast left-wing conspiracy.
Alack, as an outlier member of it I can attest that the conspiracy does indeed exist, and since the alarums of Billo, Becko and T-Blossom have spilled most of our beans, let most of our cats out of the bag, I might as well try to clarify the matter with an insider's account.
OK, we lefty conspirators get our marching orders sort of like righty Republicans get their talking points. Every morning at 7:30 the President shares his machination protocols for the day with his inner circle, then at 8:45 that group passes the word along to what Billo calls an “intimidation cabal,” who in turn feed it to key media personnel — highly-placed anchors, pundits, and bloggers — and it eventually seeps on down to fellow-traveler hustings dupes like ol' moi.
Everything you see in this column is done according to a left-wing master plan, including, for example, recent thumb-suckers about cussing, snarking, and what I'm planting in my spring garden. You might think those columns are just silly, innocuous, provincial crap — that seems to be the general impression — but they contain a lot of code words and images that are collectively helping a little to brainwash the middle America masses and turn them into socialists.
These codes aren't original with me, of course; they've been carefully worked out by people a lot smarter and a lot craftier than I am. I'm just the conduit, or in this case the capillary. I don't even have a clue which ones are the code words and which ones aren't. Some of them I don't even know what they mean, period.
As with the Bavarian Illuminati, on whom our conspiracy might or might not be modeled, only the higher-ups in the VLWC know its full agenda, but even us rube pledges out here in the boonies know some of it. Here's part of the part that I know.
We favor embryonic stem-cell research instead of just flushing them down the terlet. We take a slightly more benign view of illegals than as dandy for desert starlight target practice. We don't think it's any of our beeswax whether gay people get married or not. We favor fluoridating everybody's water, even those who think rotten teeth is their constitutional right. We think gun ownership ought to be restricted for some people, such as mass murderers of schoolchildren. We're pro-life too, but favor the born kind over the microscopic iffy. We appreciate that wall of separation a lot. If you'd rather say Season's Greetings, we don't care. We think Darwin might've been onto something. We think climate change is your fault. We like to get out the Fairness Doctrine and wave it around occasionally just to make y'all's butts pucker. Etc.
There's plenty more where those came from, but you know what they are — hell, everybody knows what they are, as we've done a really pisspoor job of keeping our secret agenda secret.
Our top priority is to subvert FEMA and use it to establish a network of concentration camps into which we plan to sweep all the prominent conservatives. This is what weirded Becko out so bad. He seemed to think the main purpose of the camps would be to squelch big-time conspiracy-exposers like himself, but it's my understanding that the entire conservative elite is slated for induction. From their gasbag media royalty down to that 14-year-old Georgia boy who has emerged as their third deepest thinker, right behind the First Dude and Joe the Plumber.
Bruce Willis, Hank Williams Jr., Lou Holtz, and Peyton Manning will all be in there, just to give you an idea of the range. So it's not like Becko will be lonesome or anything.
Admittedly, given their history, concentration camps might not've been the best idea from the p.r. view, but these won't be the bad old concentration camps. They'll be more like bungalows. And the internment process will be like one of these interventions with a loved one who's become a drunk or dope fiend.
The intent is to aid conservatives, not punish them. Because let's face it, most of them now lead lives of noisy desperation. About all they do is fume or spew. They're full of bile (among other things) and resentment, and look to assuage some of the misery by wishing failure on their adversaries and trying to screw their own homestate hard-luckers out of meager portions of stimulus relief. Nobody should have to live like that.
We in the vast left-wing conspiracy feel the conservatives' pain, and want to help. Modern medicine has made great strides with anti-psychotics and other identity-numbing drugs, but what do you do if they won't take the pills? How do you buzz a Sean Hannity, say, back to genial conviviality if he won't let you attach the electrodes? And much as it would improve the disposition and even the IQ of the entirety of talk radio, both national and local, the activist judges of today just aren't going to sanction any more involuntary group lobotomies.
So what's left to us humanitarians but concentration camps? Only we'll probably call them retreats. And what goes on in them, rehab.
Bob Lancaster, one of the Arkansas Times longest and most valued contributors, retired from writing his column last week. We’ll miss his his contributions mightily. Look out, in the weeks to come, for a look back at some of his greatest hits. In the meantime, here's a good place to start.
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