Favorite

A modest proposal 

click to enlarge observer1-1.jpg

In recognition of Gov. Asa Hutchinson's recently opining that the open carry of firearms is, as he understands it, legal now under Arkansas law as long as the person doing the carrying doesn't intend to commit a crime, The Observer is pleased to announce the next step in the ongoing fight to preserve and defend the Right to Bear Arms: The Open Carry of Large Butcher Knives, Rusty Machetes or Razor-Sharp Hatchets Movement.

At the core of our grassroots, common sense movement is this: Because the world is a terrifying hellscape full of people who don't look like you and me, nor pray, have sex, live in the same neighborhood or watch the same news channel as you and me, the law-abiding citizens of Arkansas will henceforth exercise our right to bear either a large butcher knife, rusty machete or razor-sharp hatchet everywhere we go. With our self-defense tools unsheathed and at the ready, we will then go about our day-to-day lives — shopping for slacks, eating egg salad sandwiches, buying the DVD box set of "One Tree Hill," etc. — all while clutching a large butcher knife, rusty machete or razor-sharp hatchet in one sweaty, white-knuckled paw, possibly while muttering to ourselves that those who protect freedom must be ever vigilant and Thomas Jefferson's quote about how the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with blood.

Now, if you're some kind of pinko, you might be thinking to yourself: Do you really NEED to carry a large butcher knife, rusty machete or razor-sharp hatchet everywhere you go? Doesn't the FBI say the violent crime rate in the U.S. is at its lowest level in, like, 40 years? The better question, however, is: Why do YOU feel the need to question MY rights? What's wrong with you? Hey, get your hand out of your pocket! You're making me nervous, friend. And if there's one thing you do not want to do, it's to make a law-abiding citizen holding a large butcher knife, rusty machete or razor-sharp hatchet nervous.

After you're through trying to think of ways to take away my God-given right to open carry a large butcher knife, rusty machete and/or razor-sharp hatchet in public, consider this: Imagine how safe and free people will feel at the local Red Lobster, Walmart, Toys "R" Us, shooting range, Build-A-Bear Workshop, public park, Payless Shoe Source, church, waterslide, book club and/or Container Store when they look up and see a law-abiding citizen nearby, feverishly clutching his large butcher knife, rusty machete or razor-sharp hatchet. Imagine the relief of your average citizen at that moment: seeing that silent and watchful sentinel, muscles taut, eyes scanning the crowd for aggression, ready to spring into action in a moment's notice if a non-legitimate, non-law-abiding carrier of a large butcher knife, rusty machete or razor-sharp hatchet were to enter the room and start slashing and stabbing innocent people to death! It happens! Not often. But like Yours Truly always says: It's better to have a large butcher knife, rusty machete or razor-sharp hatchet and not need it than to need a large butcher knife, rusty machete or razor-sharp hatchet and not have it.

Sure, if you hate America, walking into a fast-food restaurant full of people choking down burgers and chicken nuggets while gripping large butcher knives, rusty machetes or razor-sharp hatchets in their fists may look intimidating. Maybe your Lil' Patriot will make it a Freedom Teaching Moment™ by tugging on your sleeve, looking at you with those big, curious eyes, and saying, "Are they going to kill us, Grandpa?" These kids today with their questions! The True American, of course, will say to that confused child, "Don't be afraid. While I don't know any of these people from Jack Johnson, I can tell just by looking at them that they are all clearly law-abiding citizens. So be joyous! We are witnessing liberty in its most powerful and fundamental expression!"

Also, you should remind yourself that with all those self-defense tools and law- abiding citizens well within slashing distance and ready to act, you're standing in one of the safest places in the world! Unless, of course, the dude you're dining across from is off his meds and goes apeshit at some point, which rarely happens. Two or three times a week, tops, and usually far, far away from here.

Favorite

Tags:

Comments (39)

Showing 1-25 of 39

Add a comment

 
Subscribe to this thread:
Showing 1-25 of 39

Add a comment

Readers also liked…

  • The hart

    It is hard for a straight person, The Observer included, to imagine what it would be like to be born gay — to be shipwrecked here on this space-going clod, where nearly every textbook, novel, film and television show, nearly every blaring screen or billboard or magazine ad, reinforces the idea that "normal" means "heterosexual."
    • Feb 26, 2015
  • Casting out demons: why Justin Harris got rid of kids he applied pressure to adopt

    Rep. Justin Harris blames DHS for the fallout related to his adoption of three young girls, but sources familiar with the situation contradict his story and paint a troubling picture of the adoption process and the girls' time in the Harris household.
    • Mar 12, 2015
  • Addendum

    he Observer has our regrets, just like everybody else. For example: last week, Yours Truly published a cover story on the increasingly ugly fight over Eureka Springs' Ordinance 2223, which is designed to protect a bunch of groups — including LGBTQ people — from discrimination in housing, employment, accommodations, cake buying, browsing, drinking, gut stuffery, knickknack purchasing, general cavorting, funny postcard mailing and all the other stuff one tends to get up to in the weirdest, friendliest, most magical little town in the Ozarks.
    • Apr 30, 2015

Most Shared

Latest in The Observer

  • On fire

    On Monday, whilst taking a break and relying on others to shoulder the load, The Observer turned on Dr. Zuckerberg's Fantabulous Book O' Countenances around noonish to see a heartbreaking sight: photos of the storied Little Rock haunt, Midtown Billiards, on fire.
    • Sep 22, 2016
  • Complaints

    he Observer has engaged in some egregiously bad science lately, from atop a skirtless kayak skimming the surface of the Great Backwash of Carpenter Dam, the twin sister of Lake Catherine sprung fully formed from the thigh of Arkansas Power & Light: Lake Hamilton.
    • Sep 15, 2016
  • Back to school

    Though The Observer has taught classes out at the college for many a year now — many, many a year at this point, 15 years on — it's been even longer since we've been on the Amen side of the desk.
    • Sep 8, 2016
  • More »

Event Calendar

« »

September

S M T W T F S
  1 2 3
4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17
18 19 20 21 22 23 24
25 26 27 28 29 30  

Most Recent Comments

 

© 2016 Arkansas Times | 201 East Markham, Suite 200, Little Rock, AR 72201
Powered by Foundation