Favorite

Behold, his mighty hand! 

The Observer is a heathen of some note, but we do love the Bill of Rights, the first of which allows us to do this job without some pencil neck from Our Lord's Glorious United States' Office of Forcible Holiness looking over our shoulder while tapping a red pen against her teeth. While we adore the Freedom of the Press stuff, the other half of the First Amendment is all about religion; specifically, how government shouldn't get in the religion business, nor tell any church how to run its railroad. So, understandably, The Observer was a little cheesed that one of the gifts the 90th General Assembly left for us before its members slouched back to their respective bridges and swamps is authorization for the construction of a shiny new monument to the Biblical Ten Commandments on the lawn of the Arkansas State Capitol.

Now, look, don't get Your Old Pal wrong. Believe what you want. Believe that we're just stardust, thrown together by the cosmic washing machine. Believe in the Father, the Son and the Son's Friend Steve. Believe life was deposited here by Ricardo Montalban detonating the Genesis Device in "Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan." Genuflect to your cat, your favorite tree, your toaster. No skin off the teeth of Yours Truly. But don't try to force everybody else to kneel, dance, dervish, gyrate, prostrate, glossolate or reverate the way you think it should be done. Don't try to force us to pray beside you, and we'll extend to you the same courtesy.

Some folks clearly don't get that. The Observer and James Madison, meanwhile, tend to think that the whole Separation of God and Gubmint thing has been working out pretty well for all of us over the past 223 years, three months and 20-odd days. And if it ain't broke, don't legislate it, stupid.

Still, now that the door to religious displays — ahem, we mean: "historical monuments" — in the shadow of the Capitol dome is open, we're going to go ahead and petition for our own. The Observer is fairly historic our own dang self, and we figure we'd better stake out our slice of public real estate while the gettin's good, before some Cargo Cult from Standard Umstead snatches up all the prime spots. Below is the proposed text for our monument. Rose granite, please, preferably planted right in front of Sen. Jason Rapert's parking spot.

1) Does what you're doing intentionally hurt somebody else? It's wrong.

2) Does what you're doing have a high potential to inadvertently hurt somebody else? Probably wrong.

3) If what somebody else is doing doesn't hurt you, have a high potential to inadvertently hurt you, clean out your checking account or kill your hydrangeas, mind your own gatdamn business. And no, having the delicate snowflake of your religious or personal sensibilities disturbed doesn't count.

4) Tip thy server. Well.

5) Thou shalt not assume I want sauce on my pulled pork sammich, nor pickles on my cheeseburger. Heed my words, for I am large!

6) Corporations employ people, but are not, in fact, people. Stop saying they are, because it makes all us real-life, non-incorporated people hate you.

7) Slow down. Go fishin'. Don't take life so seriously. Remember that in 150 years, unless you whip up the cure for cancer in your bathroom sink, nobody is probably even going to remember your name. Also remember: That's the way it's supposed to work.

8) Anyone who says being gay is a lifestyle choice must submit a notarized affidavit detailing the moment they decided to be straight.

9) Thou shalt watch "2001: A Space Odyssey" at least three times in thy life, with an open mind. It actually starts to sort of make sense the second time you watch it.

10) Be nice to each other, if you can. If you can't, you might want to think about staying home and watching TV.

Favorite

Comments

Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Readers also liked…

  • I'm sorry

    I'm sorry we stood by while your generation's hope was smothered by $1.3 trillion in student loan debt, just because you were trying to educate yourselves enough to avoid falling for the snake oil and big talk of a fascist.
    • Nov 17, 2016
  • Snake stories

    The Observer's boss, Uncle Alan, is something of a gentleman farmer on his spread up in Cabot, growing heirloom tomatoes and watermelons and crops of chiggers on property that looks like the perfect farmstead Lenny and George often fantasized about in "Of Mice and Men."
    • Aug 27, 2015
  • Show and tell

    The Observer is an advocate of the A+ method of integrating the arts and using creativity to teach across the curriculum, an approach that the Thea Foundation, with help from the Windgate Charitable Foundation, is offering to schools across the state.
    • Feb 25, 2016

Most Shared

  • Sarah Huckabee Sanders to be deputy White House press secretary

    Donald Trump announced additional White House staff today, notably including Sarah Huckabee Sanders, deputy assistant to the president and principal deputy press secretary.
  • Legislation filed for $10 million school voucher program

    The legislation to vastly expand transfer of state tax dollars to private schools came before the school choice day event I mentioned earlier.
  • Pork and more

    Some notes on disparate topics before I take a vacation break.
  • Trumpeting

    When President-elect Trump announced he would, in a few days, force Congress to enact comprehensive health insurance for everyone, poor or rich, that would provide better and cheaper care than they've ever gotten, you had to wonder whether this guy is a miracle worker or a fool.
  • Putin and Trump

    Here's a thought exercise: What do you suppose would happen if Russian strongman Vladimir Putin decided to clarify remarks he reportedly made about Donald Trump during the election campaign?

Latest in The Observer

  • Memories of Townsend

    Vernon Tucker, musician and former Arkansas Times writer, asked for The Observer space this week to remember Townsend Wolfe. Why not? What follows is memory of early days at the Arts Center.
    • Jan 19, 2017
  • Weird trivia

    When completed, the Ten Commandments monument on the state Capitol lawn will be the exact size, shape and weight of the vaguely humming black monolith that appeared at the foot of Conway Sen. Jason Rapert's bed in June 2010 and later elevated his consciousness from apelike semi-sentience to incrementally less apelike semi-sentience.
    • Jan 12, 2017
  • Resolutions

    No more clinging to material things, unless those material things are life preservers tossed as I go down for the third and final time, the few remaining strands of my once-majestic locks, or the skids of the last helicopter out before the fall of Little Rock.
    • Jan 5, 2017
  • More »

Visit Arkansas

1.73-carat diamond found at Crater of Diamonds State Park

1.73-carat diamond found at Crater of Diamonds State Park

Jack Pearadin and Doug Nelsen found a 1.73-carat diamond after nearly a year of searching the park's field.

Event Calendar

« »

January

S M T W T F S
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
8 9 10 11 12 13 14
15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26 27 28
29 30 31  

Most Recent Comments

 

© 2017 Arkansas Times | 201 East Markham, Suite 200, Little Rock, AR 72201
Powered by Foundation