Bus stops 

Dispatches from the S.P. American History bus tour:

Here we are in Boston, home of the Boston Tea Party, the same one we have today with all the patriots in it. I used to wonder why it was the Boston Tea Party, thinking Boston Tea was a brand name, like Lipton Tea, so it should've been like the Lipton Tea Party — easier to remember — but it was because it happened right here in good old Boston harbor.

It wasn't Boston brand tea or any other brand, and wasn't in the little flow-through paper bags with the string and paper tab, either. Because they didn't even have those back then. The flow-through bag came later like around the Civil War or the one on the continent of Korea.

I don't know why they thought they had to dress up as Indians. Maybe the Indians at the first Thanksgiving had shared some extra outfits with them. Maybe it was like Halloween and they were Hiawatha and Pocahontas. No one came as pilgrims, tho. Or the turkey!

This is also where Paul Revere rode his horse to warn the British that they were about to come upon themselves. He didn't mean that in the nasty way it sounds. I know Paul Revere's horse wasn't named Trigger, but I call it that just to pull the chain of the lamestream media. Probably something like Boy or Nellie, which would explain the expression "Whoa Nellie!" But I will keep on calling him Trigger after my own Trig that I got instead of an abortion.

Now here we are at Plymouth Rock, where some of the first Plymouth cars were made, as I understand it. One line of compact cars that they made was the Mayflower. They came for religious freedom and invented death panels to get rid of their witches. One witch said, "Give me liberty or give me death," so they did.

Here we are bypassing New York City because no history happened there except I appeared as myself on SNL and George Washington had the White House there before they moved it to where it is now. In New York, they had a White House and a Colored House and his slaves had to stay in the Colored House. Except the one that he stood on his back to get on his horse. The slaves were just 3/5ths people then. Oh, and the statue, but who wants to just stand around 200 yrs holding a lamp?

Here we are crossing the Delaware River into New Jersey just like the Father of Our Country when it was full of icebergs. I can't believe he could throw a silver dollar across this wide of a river. Or anybody else. There was your first example of the federal government just throwing money away. Ha!  

Tom Edison was here in New Jersey when he built the light bulb. Without that, no makeup mirrors! So thanks, Tom! He also said "Mr. Watson, come here. I need you." And "What hath God wrought?" That "wrought" is an old-fashioned way of saying "wrote." (Answer to the question: "The Bible." Duh!) And the bicycle. And the stereo.

NJ gave us Sopranos, and Miss America Padge where I missed my big chance. And Princeton where Al Einstein was, his name means one beer mug, and he had a theory that explained a lot of stuff but destroyed our morals. Him and old Darwin and their theories! Oh, and they might make me take the fat NJ governor as my running mate next year. Jeepers, is he fat! The thing about the helicopter made me wonder how they got one big enough so it didn't fall over sideways when he got on.

Now here we are at Valley Forge, where the Father of Our Country and his boys nearly froze to death and nearly starved because Congress wouldn't raise the debt limit. They told him to cut spending or they would cut off funding for the war. He said, "How much less can I pay them than nothing?" They finally had to eat their horses. I imagine that was a lot like eating moose. Moose is not as good as red-nosed reindeer but better than eating your sled dogs.

Here we are at Philadelphia, home of Benjamin Franklin. He invented the printing press and electricity. But palled around with old sourpuss atheists like Paine and would arrive late at all the Constitution meetings because he was out putting his Poor Richard into more places it didn't belong than Bill Clinton. This was around the same time Dick Clark started Bandstand here. The Liberty Bell is here but it's broke. Wm. Penn was a Founding Father who founded or fathered something here but nobody remembers what.

Here we are at Gettysburg, where the Norths and Souths fought more than anywhere else. It was most famous for when their pickets charged each other.  Lee said, "I regret I have but one life to give for my country" and U.S. Grant got drunk. If he could get elected GOP prez after that, why can't I?

Next up, bus toots (too long for tweets) from Maryland, where The Star Spangled Banner was wrought, and from Virginia Commonwealth, which sounds socialist ("common wealth") but that's just a word accident like I'm always having. Sta tuned!


Comments (4)

Showing 1-4 of 4

Add a comment

Subscribe to this thread:
Showing 1-4 of 4

Add a comment

More by Bob Lancaster

  • Wretched rez

    I had some New Year's Rez(olutions) for 2016 but that ship sailed so I'm renaming them my Spring Rez or my All-Occasion Whatevers and sending them along.
    • May 26, 2016
  • Nod to Bob

    A look back at the weird and wonderful world of Bob Lancaster.
    • Mar 21, 2013
  • On black history

    If you're going to devote an entire month to appreciating the history of a color, it might as well be the color black.
    • Feb 14, 2013
  • More »

Most Shared

  • World leaders set to meet in Little Rock on resource access and sustainable development

    Next week a series of meetings on the use of technology to tackle global problems will be held in Little Rock by Club de Madrid — a coalition of more than 100 former democratic former presidents and prime ministers from around the world — and the P80 Group, a coalition of large public pension and sovereign wealth funds founded by Prince Charles to combat climate change. The conference will discuss deploying existing technologies to increase access to food, water, energy, clean environment, and medical care.
  • Rapert compares Bill Clinton to Orval Faubus

    Sen. Jason Rapert (R-Conway)  was on "Capitol View" on KARK, Channel 4, this morning, and among other things that will likely inspire you to yell at your computer screen, he said he expects someone in the legislature to file a bill to do ... something about changing the name of the Bill and Hillary Clinton National Airport.

Latest in Bob Lancaster

  • Lancaster retires

    Bob Lancaster, one of the Arkansas Times longest and most valued contributors, retired from writing his column last week. We’ll miss his his contributions mightily. Look out, in the weeks to come, for a look back at some of his greatest hits. In the meantime, here's a good place to start.

    • Feb 21, 2013
  • On black history

    If you're going to devote an entire month to appreciating the history of a color, it might as well be the color black.
    • Feb 14, 2013
  • Making it through

    Made it through another January, thank the Lord.
    • Feb 6, 2013
  • More »

Visit Arkansas

View Trumpeter Swans in Heber Springs

View Trumpeter Swans in Heber Springs

Magness Lake, in Heber Springs, is a magnet for swans

Event Calendar

« »


  1 2 3
4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17
18 19 20 21 22 23 24
25 26 27 28 29 30 31

Most Viewed

  • Stay the course

    I am frustrated and angry with those who claim the only chance of future success is for the Democratic Party, especially in the South and Midwest, to abandon speaking directly to women and people of color and the LGBT community and instead focus on the economy and other "more comfortable" topics in order to win back some of the center.
  • Reality TV prez

    There is almost nothing real about "reality TV." All but the dullest viewers understand that the dramatic twists and turns on shows like "The Bachelor" or "Celebrity Apprentice" are scripted in advance. More or less like professional wrestling, Donald Trump's previous claim to fame.
  • Fake news

    So fed up was young Edgar Welch of Salisbury, N.C., that Hillary Clinton was getting away with running a child-sex ring that he grabbed a couple of guns last Sunday, drove 360 miles to the Comet Ping Pong pizzeria in Washington, D.C., where Clinton was supposed to be holding the kids as sex slaves, and fired his AR-15 into the floor to clear the joint of pizza cravers and conduct his own investigation of the pedophilia syndicate of the former first lady, U.S. senator and secretary of state.

Most Recent Comments

  • Re: Kids count, not confidentiality

    • Public awareness saves lives
      Confidentiality kills children

    • on December 8, 2016
  • Re: Worth it

    • And loyal, to a fault.

    • on December 6, 2016
  • Re: Worth it

    • Alas, Gene's memory ain't what it used to be. He wrote a column some time…

    • on December 5, 2016

© 2016 Arkansas Times | 201 East Markham, Suite 200, Little Rock, AR 72201
Powered by Foundation