Come on down 

Bro. Huckabee will be missing a good opportunity to harvest a lot more favorable campaign publicity if he doesn't invite all his newfound Beltway pundit buds down to deer hunt with him this month.

I suspect most of them would jump at the opportunity, the period of cautionary hesitation over accompanying politician hunters having ended as the old Texas veep-scattershot bird-hunter's scabs gave way to scars. They'd flock in like our annual blackbird hordes, all oranged and ear-flapped and blunderbussed like Elmer Fudd in the famous Bugs Bunny hunting-season cartoon, eager to literally shoot down some spritely ungulates in place of figuratively sniping further at moribund presidential candidacies. Embedding into a heartland deer hunt would, to their thinking, give them and their stale, insular ideas precious grassroots authenticity

So if Bro. staged it, they would surely come.

He could count on George Will — who may actually be Elmer Fudd, now that I think about it — and David Brooks, Chris Cillizza, Charlie Rose, his old nappy-headed pal Imus, his Associated Press rooting section, and other recent media converts and apple-polishers. A whole passel of them.

He mustn't forget to ask Hannity to bring Colmes — yes, target practice is optional, only a courtesy, but recommended, and you have to have somebody strap the antlers on and prance out bleating onto the practice range. He must remember to remind Bill-o not to pack such pet theories of his as that kidnapped children enjoy the experience.

He'll need to invite Krauthammer of the Post — Ol' Good-Lookin' — who has lately gone to promoting Bro. not for next prez but for next Interior Secretary, strangely enough, this being the same Bro. whose third documented political hate-target (after “pornographers” like Dale Bumpers, and retarded pregnant pre-teen rape victims) was “wacko environmentalists.” Katie Couric will want to come along if she can be convinced that her softball-lobbing talents might be drawn upon, as in Iraq, and that likely will oblige the other anchors to wangle invites, though imagination balks at the prospect of either Brian Williams or Shepard Smith actually shooting a deer and then leaping in O.J.-like with a hunting knife to finish the sucker off.

Drudge, of course. And Larry King, if there's someone to remind him frequently where he is, and who he is. And while Dick Morris might be thought to have earned a spot on this shooting-stand, how's it going to look if he's found Bro. — lauding. on one hand and on the other hoof — sucking a whitetail in the cutover and, as ever, demanding reciprocation? And in a similar vein, I'm not sure about Rushbo inasmuch as they say of these deer hunters buzzed up on OxyContin that you never know when where or whom or in what direction they might take a notion to shoot. They might target the palsied, or brain-damaged kids.

Anyway, whoever came and however many, we'd have plenty of deer to accommodate them. Deer were once scarce here in the Wonder State — their population estimated at one time as less than 300 statewide — and seeing one in the wild could be a once-in-a-lifetime experience. But today they're commoner than cattle or Mexican illegals and you can hardly SUV up to the washateria without totaling your vehickle on one. They're all over town as well as countryside, and no longer shy but downright brazen. They'll mosey right into your brush arbor or pie supper.

That being the case, what I'd suggest to the Bro. is a deer-shoot on the old European model in which wigged and knickered archdukes and viceroys and such would shoot stags and roebucks one after another as stout peasants drove or lead or dragged the poor things across a faux-bucolic shooting lane. They would do this all day long, with a kind of dour formality. Sometimes, just to vary the program, they would shoot the peasants instead of the deer. But then they would go ahead and shoot the deer too, because it seemed to be expected of them. This could cause annoying jams or back-ups, as another peasant had to be recruited to drag off the carcasses of both the deer and his kinsman before the ritual slaughter could proceed. The carcasses were kept in a big pile nearby, out of view, and the pile was removed daily — or nightly, which required a whole new moonlighter peasant shift with minors in butchery and undertaking. Perhaps also taxidermy.

It should be no trouble rounding up the deer for a contemporary re-enactment of this proud old sporting spectacle, and the Bro.'s campaign payroll is so heavy with nepots that it should be possible to assign each deer a personal — or deeral — escort to poke or prod or lead or drag it into the kill zone, with extras aplenty to man the gurneys camoed nearby.

Should the assembled pundits get tired of killing deer and escorts, there might be such scheduled diversions as getting the Bro.'s new pal Chuck Norris to sprint down and numchuck a deer to death, or ninja it into something like Picasso's “Guernica” as it charges by. Or Dog Boy could barb-wire them up a buck-kabob and they could enjoy its thrashings while the Bro. offered waggish commentary of the quotable sort that they've come to expect from him and to rave about in their dispatches.


From the ArkTimes store


Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

More by Bob Lancaster

  • Wretched rez

    I had some New Year's Rez(olutions) for 2016 but that ship sailed so I'm renaming them my Spring Rez or my All-Occasion Whatevers and sending them along.
    • May 26, 2016
  • Nod to Bob

    A look back at the weird and wonderful world of Bob Lancaster.
    • Mar 21, 2013
  • On black history

    If you're going to devote an entire month to appreciating the history of a color, it might as well be the color black.
    • Feb 14, 2013
  • More »

More by Fritz Brantley

  • He talks, and talks, the talk

    A fellow posted an old newspaper article on his blog about a Mike Huckabee speech to a religious group in 1998. A friend faxed the article to me, then called to ask if I’d yet read it, which I had.
    • Dec 20, 2007
  • The incredible shrinking Huckabee

    Plus: COPS!
    • Dec 20, 2007
  • Going whole hog

    A Q&A with irreverent Arkansas-raised comedian Matt Besser
    • Dec 20, 2007
  • More »

Most Shared

  • Executionpalooza

    Appearances count. I was struck by a single sentence over the weekend in a full page of coverage in The New York Times devoted to the killing spree in Arkansas, beginning with a front-page account of the recent flurry of legal filings on pending executions and continuing inside with an interview with Damien Echols, the former death row inmate.
  • Art bull

    "God, I hate art," my late friend The Doctor used to say.
  • Not justice

    The strongest, most enduring calls for the death penalty come from those who feel deeply the moral righteousness of "eye-for-an-eye" justice, or retribution. From the depths of pain and the heights of moral offense comes the cry, "The suffering you cause is the suffering you shall receive!" From the true moral insight that punishment should fit the crime, cool logic concludes, "Killers should be killed." Yet I say: retribution yes; death penalty no.
  • Judge Griffen writes about morality, Christian values and executions

    Pulaski County Circuit Judge Wendell Griffen, who blogs at Justice is a verb!, sends along a new post this morning.
  • The Ledell Lee execution thread

    Arkansas Times contributor Jacob Rosenberg is at the Cummins Unit in Grady filing dispatches tonight in advance of the expected execution of Ledell Lee, who was sentenced to death for the Feb. 9, 1993, murder of Debra Reese, 26, who was beaten to death in the bedroom of her home in Jacksonville.

Latest in Bob Lancaster

  • Lancaster retires

    Bob Lancaster, one of the Arkansas Times longest and most valued contributors, retired from writing his column last week. We’ll miss his his contributions mightily. Look out, in the weeks to come, for a look back at some of his greatest hits. In the meantime, here's a good place to start.

    • Feb 21, 2013
  • On black history

    If you're going to devote an entire month to appreciating the history of a color, it might as well be the color black.
    • Feb 14, 2013
  • Making it through

    Made it through another January, thank the Lord.
    • Feb 6, 2013
  • More »

Visit Arkansas

Haralson, Smith named to Arkansas Tourism Hall of Fame

Haralson, Smith named to Arkansas Tourism Hall of Fame

Chuck Haralson and Ken Smith were inducted into the Arkansas Tourism Hall of Fame during the 43rd annual Governor’s Conference on Tourism

Event Calendar

« »


2 3 4 5 6 7 8
9 10 11 12 13 14 15
16 17 18 19 20 21 22
23 24 25 26 27 28 29

Most Recent Comments

  • Re: Art bull

    • Well, when the Bull was first put up there, it meant one thing, and that…

    • on April 24, 2017
  • Re: Art bull

    • the nice thing about art is that it is what it is, but what it…

    • on April 22, 2017
  • Re: Executionpalooza

    • Fantastic work-from-home opportunity for everyone... Work for three to five hrs a day and start…

    • on April 21, 2017

© 2017 Arkansas Times | 201 East Markham, Suite 200, Little Rock, AR 72201
Powered by Foundation