Favorite

Dorito Mussolini 

The Observer really tries to stay out of politics and religion and what people get up to with their money. All of it is bad for indigestion, you understand, and we know we have a lot of lunchtime readers. But this presidential candidate on the Republican side. What to do with a human being like that?

He's probably hired some clipping service to crawl the internet, finding and printing out every mention of his name, sweatshop laborers later writing each one out in beautiful script before binding the daily stack into a luxurious, puppy-skin-bound book so he can gloat over them at bedtime. So, we're not going to give him the satisfaction of using his name. Let's call him, instead, Dorito Mussolini, the orange menace.

As easy as it would be for folks on the right to dismiss what follows as yet another pants-pissing rant by a Leftie (and The Observer is surely that — back during the Wall Street-spawned Great Recession, we stopped just short of calling for folks to roll out the guillotine), there's something you should know: Long ago, but not long enough, Yours Truly used to be a Rightie — or at least a fiscal conservative and social moderate. Now it can be told. Voted against Bill. Twice. Listened to Rush Limbaugh until it became clear that his show was either some kind of very involved work of performance art or a roach motel for the stupidest people in the land. Clearly the latter, in hindsight.

I have since come around, mostly because, as a father and husband, The Observer saw the 10,000 ways people can lift each other up if we aren't always thinking, "What's in it for me?" and the 10,000 ways we can destroy each other if we are. But this man, Dorito Mussolini ... those are lessons he clearly never learned, nor cared to.

Even at The Observer's Rightiest, we believe we could have seen him for what he is: just another bully, snapping bra straps on the playground and gleefully threatening to take third-graders' lunch money. How is it that millions of our fellow Americans — honest, hardworking folks, who say grace and hold doors open for ladies and old folks; who pull over any time they see a car with the hood up and would normally fight a strutting, big-talking dickbag like Dorito as long as they could catch him — cannot see through this cheap charlatan, with his colored lights and snake oil promises? How is it that religious people, from big-wheel preachers to simple folk who hit the church door every time the lights are on, have sold their souls to this crusade, led by a thrice-married philanderer who, we'd be willing to wager, couldn't semi-accurately paraphrase any Bible passage other than "Jesus wept" if you stuck a firecracker up his butt and threatened to light it? How is it that American soldiers, sailors and airmen — past and present, living or dead, God bless them every one, regardless of their political affiliation, gender, color, sexuality or creed — can support the idea of giving command of the strongest military the world has ever seen, including enough nukes to reduce the earth to a lifeless cinder, to a man who is so intemperate he turns any gentle rebuke on Twitter into a week-long, back-and-forth shitshow; who mocks the mother and father of a soldier blown apart in a foreign land; who once brushed off the heroism of Sen. John McCain, who ejected from a burning plane with an American flag on the tail only to be tortured for five and a half years in the Hanoi Hilton for this country, with: "He's not a war hero. He was a war hero because he was captured. I like people who weren't captured." Dorito, meanwhile, was safe at home, drawing his five deferments.

How is it possible that rational people can support this movement, this man, this rough beast, its hour come round at last, slouching toward Bethlehem to be born? Fear, we guess. But The Observer has puzzled on it at length, and has yet to reach a satisfactory answer. We hope somebody will, preferably before November.

Favorite

Comments

Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Readers also liked…

  • I'm sorry

    I'm sorry we stood by while your generation's hope was smothered by $1.3 trillion in student loan debt, just because you were trying to educate yourselves enough to avoid falling for the snake oil and big talk of a fascist.
    • Nov 17, 2016
  • Snake stories

    The Observer's boss, Uncle Alan, is something of a gentleman farmer on his spread up in Cabot, growing heirloom tomatoes and watermelons and crops of chiggers on property that looks like the perfect farmstead Lenny and George often fantasized about in "Of Mice and Men."
    • Aug 27, 2015
  • Show and tell

    The Observer is an advocate of the A+ method of integrating the arts and using creativity to teach across the curriculum, an approach that the Thea Foundation, with help from the Windgate Charitable Foundation, is offering to schools across the state.
    • Feb 25, 2016

Most Shared

  • Sarah Huckabee Sanders to be deputy White House press secretary

    Donald Trump announced additional White House staff today, notably including Sarah Huckabee Sanders, deputy assistant to the president and principal deputy press secretary.
  • Legislation filed for $10 million school voucher program

    The legislation to vastly expand transfer of state tax dollars to private schools came before the school choice day event I mentioned earlier.
  • Pork and more

    Some notes on disparate topics before I take a vacation break.
  • Trumpeting

    When President-elect Trump announced he would, in a few days, force Congress to enact comprehensive health insurance for everyone, poor or rich, that would provide better and cheaper care than they've ever gotten, you had to wonder whether this guy is a miracle worker or a fool.
  • Putin and Trump

    Here's a thought exercise: What do you suppose would happen if Russian strongman Vladimir Putin decided to clarify remarks he reportedly made about Donald Trump during the election campaign?

Latest in The Observer

  • Memories of Townsend

    Vernon Tucker, musician and former Arkansas Times writer, asked for The Observer space this week to remember Townsend Wolfe. Why not? What follows is memory of early days at the Arts Center.
    • Jan 19, 2017
  • Weird trivia

    When completed, the Ten Commandments monument on the state Capitol lawn will be the exact size, shape and weight of the vaguely humming black monolith that appeared at the foot of Conway Sen. Jason Rapert's bed in June 2010 and later elevated his consciousness from apelike semi-sentience to incrementally less apelike semi-sentience.
    • Jan 12, 2017
  • Resolutions

    No more clinging to material things, unless those material things are life preservers tossed as I go down for the third and final time, the few remaining strands of my once-majestic locks, or the skids of the last helicopter out before the fall of Little Rock.
    • Jan 5, 2017
  • More »

Visit Arkansas

1.73-carat diamond found at Crater of Diamonds State Park

1.73-carat diamond found at Crater of Diamonds State Park

Jack Pearadin and Doug Nelsen found a 1.73-carat diamond after nearly a year of searching the park's field.

Event Calendar

« »

January

S M T W T F S
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
8 9 10 11 12 13 14
15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26 27 28
29 30 31  

Most Viewed

  • Plant of the year

    The legalization of medical marijuana was Arkansas's most significant news of 2016.

Most Recent Comments

  • Re: Profile of a plant

    • I have been diagnosed with COPD for over 7 years. A couple of months ago…

    • on January 19, 2017
  • Re: Profile of a plant

    • There is plenty of studies out there, which fill in the holes in this story…

    • on January 19, 2017
  • Re: Plant of the year

    • The only dope I see in this is that Kleiman, talking about things he is…

    • on January 19, 2017
 

© 2017 Arkansas Times | 201 East Markham, Suite 200, Little Rock, AR 72201
Powered by Foundation