Inconsequential News Quiz: Police Beat Edition 

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1. Recently, police said, a Centerton man was arrested after he got rid of three Jehovah's Witnesses who knocked on his door in a peculiar way. What did he do? A) Greeted them with a machete and a cheerful: "Hail Satan! What can I do for you?" B) Opened the door wearing only a leather codpiece. C) Pushed a button that activated a trapdoor under the welcome mat. D) Pulled out a handgun and fired at least 19 rounds at them.

2. A former valet at Little Rock's Capital Hotel filed a civil suit in October against a Canadian businessman who, the lawsuit says, went on a 2010 "drunken escapade" at the hotel in which the valet was injured. Which of the following are allegations about the businessman's behavior, as spelled out in an exhibit included in the lawsuit? A) Licked the shoe and bare foot of a female guest. B) Invited three men he'd met at a liquor store into a hotel bathroom. C) Depantsed himself in the hotel's swanky lobby and bar. D) All of the above.

3. Two men waiting in a truck in the parking lot of the Faulkner County Jail before heading inside to begin weekend sentences were recently arrested. What were they arrested for? A) Honking the entire bass line of Deep Purple's "Smoke on the Water." B) General nekkidness. C) Getting so drunk that one of them pissed his pants. D) Having "Pussy Wagon" spray-painted on the tailgate.

4. Just before Halloween, a Mayflower paintball playground hosted a horror-themed "zombie hunt," promoting the event on its website by referencing a recent news event. What was the news event? A) The ExxonMobil pipeline breach at Mayflower, which the website said had created "neurological dysfunctions, genetic mutations, and changes in physical appearance." B) The recent announcement by U.S. Rep. Tim Griffin that he's retiring from politics in order to devote more energy to his pursuit of creating hellish human/jackass hybrids. C) Faulkner County Gurple, a new purple/green supermeth made from corpses. D) Bust of a Greenbrier ring that made moonshine from stolen jack-o-lanterns.

5. Less than 45 minutes after popular Mount St. Mary English teacher Tippi McCullough got married to her partner, Barbara Mariani, in New Mexico on Oct. 16, MSM Principal Diane Wolfe called to say she'd gotten McCullough something for her wedding. What was it? A) Bread maker B) Year's supply of fudge C) Subscription to the Beer of the Month Club D) A pink slip, with Wolfe later suggesting it took "moral courage" to fire McCullough for getting married to her partner of 14 years.

6. Arkansas-born stuntman Hal Needham died on Oct. 25 in California at age 82. Which of the following were actual, real-life events in Needham's badass life? A) Once jumped from an airplane onto the back of a galloping horse, designed and built a downward-firing, car-flipping cannon (which almost killed him), and stunt-doubled for Captain Kirk in some episodes of the original "Star Trek." B) Directed "Smokey and the Bandit," personally gave Jerry Reed the thumbs up to record "East Bound and Down" and once owned the Budweiser rocket car. C) Drove a big-block-powered ambulance coast-to-coast in the famous (and famously illegal) "Cannonball Run" race, was one of only two stuntmen to ever receive an Academy Award, and lived for most of the 1970s in Burt Reynolds' pool house. D) Amazingly, all of the above.

Answers: D, D, C, A, D, D.

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