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Inconsequential News Quiz: Trump University Edition 

Play at home, or you're a weak and pathetic loser!

1) Researchers at the University of Arkansas recently released information about a discovery that could change our understanding of the natural world. What was the discovery?

A) That Rose City in North Little Rock is actually a highly detailed computer simulation, much like "The Matrix," created by particularly sadistic and methed-out robot overlords.

B) That six subspecies of Western rattlesnake are, in fact, unique and separate species.

C) That CT scans have found that the head of Sen. Jason Rapert (R-Conway) contains only dryer lint and methane gas.

D) That "Feeling the Bern" can be alleviated by applying cold compresses and imagining the U.S. Supreme Court stocked with three to five President Trump nominees for the next 20 years.

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2) In a trailer recently released for the documentary "Being Bret Bielema," University of Arkansas football coach Bret Bielema speaks of the lengths he's gone to recruit players. Which of the following is a real quote from the trailer?

A) "Ever seen an 80-year-old woman wearing only X's of electrical tape on her nipples? I have."

B) "Yeah, I kissed him. I'm not ashamed, either. Sumbitch could run the 40 in four-point-three!"

C) "His momma's cooking give me diarrhea so bad I swear I went blind for a minute. True story."

D) "I've had to have dinner with a parrot. I've had dinner with a monkey."

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3) Recently, a teacher at a public school in Warren was the subject of parents' complaints that they'd seen him on a TV program discussing something about himself. What was the issue?

A) He revealed he is a "looner," someone who derives sensual pleasure from touching latex balloons.

B) That he had made $100 million by using his knowledge of chemistry to cook blue supermeth, but didn't split the money with the thousands who want to get the hell out of Warren, Ark.

C) That his installation art piece titled "Wooden Stepladder Beside the Window of the Girl's Locker Room (Stairway to Heaven)" isn't actually about "humanity's yearning for spiritual solace in an ever-changing socio-political landscape."

D) That — as is the custom in most American high schools — the most recently hired teacher is responsible for keeping the teachers' lounge stocked with vodka and anti-depressants.

4) Some people stepped in to object last month over a controversial student assembly held at Maumelle High School. What was the issue with the assembly?

A) "Trump University Presents: Nerds, Geeks and Dorks, the Weakest Menace."

B) Safe sex presentation that consisted entirely of a portly vice principal demonstrating how to roll on a condom with his mouth.

C) The assembly was on the topic of gang violence, and only the school's African-American students were required to attend.

D) The Stamp Out Smoking All-Star Hip-Hop Jamstravaganza! turned out to be a 61-year-old divorcee screaming through a bullhorn about how Pall Malls "took the lead out of my pencil" and gave him the gatdamn cancer.

5) What was the reason given by the Pulaski County Special School District, which oversees Maumelle High School, for why the assembly was held?

A) Anything's more educational than American History taught by an assistant football coach.

B) The assembly, which was segregated, was part of the district's court-mandated desegregation efforts.

C) "Shit happens, kids."

D) Ninth-grader sorted into Hufflepuff clearly should have been a Slytherin.

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