Lancaster: Just like Hitler 

click to enlarge Hitler image
  • Via the German Federal Archives, Allgemeiner Deutscher Nachrichtendienst - Zentralbild (Bild 183). Used under the Creative Commons License.

I remember in the famous book "Brave New World" how they worshipped Henry Ford where it had once been God, so they'd say "Oh Ford!" instead of "Oh God!" and on their Facebook and phone texts it would've been OMF instead of OMG. But Henry Ford never caught on as a deity so we still have OMG.

I've been thinking too about how we used to relate everything bad that happened to us or even to people overseas to the Devil but now it's Hitler. You wouldn't even say damn or hell because that might get the Devil's attention and next thing you knew you'd be shooting pool or a drunk or carnally entwined out on the One-Two Road. Doomed, in other words.

It's been Hitler running just barely behind the Devil for a long time now, all my life, but just lately Hitler has found his second wind and sprinted into the lead. Whenever the topic is how bad things are going — or how bad something specific is going — the very next thing you hear is yeah, it's just like Hitler.

If it's somebody wanting to confiscate all the guns, they're just like Hitler. If it involves kicking God even farther out of the classroom, they're just like Hitler. If it's some kind of socialism, like food stamps or these tramp women that want the company to have to pay for their birth control, that's just like Hitler too and I'll tell you how — it's because Nazi was just German shorthand or a German abbreviation for National Socialism, which was Hitler's personal brand of it.

If it's a problem with a German Shepherd dog, you refer that back to Hitler because that's the breed he was famous for — and even if your problem is with a pit bull instead of a German Shepherd, you have to refer it back to Hitler because you have to refer everything back to Hitler or nobody pays any attention to whatever you're complaining about.

There's a not-guilty plea they're taking in court cases now — innocent by reason of being just like Hitler.

Or if you have trouble with your Volkswagen.

Hitler this and Hitler that. Lou Dobbs is the real expert on this. He can see Hitler where not even the NRA or Rand Paul can. He's not as good at it as Glenn Beck was, but there you go.

The problem with modern art is it's gone back just like it was with Hitler, who called it bow-house, or something like that. You know he painted pictures, too, and it was pretty grim but the kind of stuff your art critic of today would look at and say, "Boy, hidey, that's good!" They always want to suck up. Hitler's pictures weren't anything like Soviet realism, which was about the same time and had all these musclebound liberated peasants hammering and sickling, while Hitler was just a little scrawny bastard, one of his testicles gone, and his propaganda man just a bid old tub of lard.

The problem with (fill in the blank) is it's just like Hitler, whose big hero was this old boy Kneechee who said if you followed their program you'd become Superman. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, I guess. Kneechee got to be his hero because he had about the biggest mustache you ever saw while the best Hitler could do was that dinky little rat's butt spot on his upper lip. Why he would want that has always been a mystery to me. It didn't make him look tough, it made him look ridiculous.

Note the contrast with the real Superman, who arrived from Krypton about that same Beer Hall time and was always super-clean shaved, even in the late afternoon, when he'd been fighting crime all day and when the rest of us get to looking not so much like Hitler as like Richard Nixon. Five o'clock shadow, it used to be called, and it's come back into style now, and that probably has something to do with Hitler, too.

It proves that what goes around comes around, which was one of Hitler's favorite sayings. He might have been the one that thought it up. Or maybe that was Faubus. One of them old socialist Demo(crat)gogues from that time before we realized Republican was the right way to go.

You're also being just like Hitler when you say it's my way or the highway. That was another saying he thought up himself. Only his version was my way or the autobahn. That's not as good as my way or the highway because there's no catchy rhyme in it. Hitler was not particularly catchy. Wit was not his forte. Wit and rant are not usually buds.

Hitler's original original version of my way or the autobahn was my way or the firing squad, which sounds more like him than the autobahn. My way or the firing squad isn't catchy either, but it sums up his political philosophy nicely in just a few words, and gives you a broad hint of what a crazy son-of-a-bitch he was.

So it's not a compliment when they say you're just like Hitler. Unless you're Ann Coulter or a nut like that.

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