My father had two bars of soap. In the shower (no bath existed in his bathroom; why would it need to?) he always had a bar of Irish Spring. Next to the kitchen sink, he had a bar of Lava, the sandpaper-like bar soap whose advertising campaigns have been based on getting glue, tar and engine grease off your hands for over 50 years. Other than a splash of Old Spice on special occasions, this was pretty much the extent of his grooming supplies. Even the way he shaved — aggressively quick, every morning including Saturdays, and with the oldest razor I’ve ever seen — seemed rugged.
The world (or manhood itself) has changed a lot since the pre-manscaping days of yore. Sure, there have always been dandies, but you can’t imagine Don Draper doing much more each morning than running a comb full of Brylcreem through his hair and changing into a new starched shirt to get the smell of whore off of him.
I have bathroom drawers, containers, and shower caddies full of products I use or don’t. I don’t want to have them, but I do. I’ve had 35 years on the planet and, for at least five of those, I would consider myself a man. Therefore, I’ve decided to assess and give my utterly uninformed opinions on what a real (modern) male needs or doesn’t when it comes to the world of grooming.
Shaving (face): A razor. Shaving cream. Maybe some kind of relief for razor burn, but changing your razors more often and cold water should be enough.
Arm, leg, chest and back hair: We’re living in a world where sleekness is now prized. But unless you’re involved in a competitive sport where you need to lessen your “drag,” don’t shave your arm or leg hair. And even if you are … don’t shave your arm or leg hair. For chest, unless it gives you that junior high coaches look of a solid half-inch clearance between chest and a cotton t-shirt, leave it alone. As for back, it’s become taboo enough. If you’re embarrassed taking off your shirt at the beach or pool, it’s probably worth doing.
Nether regions: There are two schools of thought here. First school: a man’s junk should probably look as much like a man’s junk as possible. Conversely: Trim the bush. It makes the tree look bigger.
Shampoo and conditioner: Yes. Both. But the shampoo less often as it strips your hair of beneficial oils.
Eyebrows: Unless you’re a former Soviet leader, or a female Mexican painter best known for her self-portraits, you can’t get away with it. Trim.
Dyeing your hair: If you paid a whole lot of money to get it done by a professional, we probably can’t tell. If it was advertised to you by Keith Hernandez, we can.
Teeth: You want teeth. Chicks dig them.
Teeth-whitening: It seems that for every cent of value the U.S. dollar has lost over the last 20 years, Americans’ teeth have gotten a shade whiter. We’re clearly hiding something. Then again, we’ve never consumed so much coffee. Worth considering.
Toenails/fingernails: Clip them. Clean them.
Manicures/pedicures: If done on a good-humored Saturday afternoon with your mate, yes. If you already have a standing appointment, call now, cancel, collect your genitals at the door. (Note: And don’t ever use the phrase “mani and pedi” unless you’re doing a very good Paul Lynde impersonation.)
Facials/facial masks: See above.
Botox: Three things: 1. You’re injecting botulinum toxin into your face. 2. YOU’RE INJECTING BOTULINUM TOXIN INTO YOUR FACE! 3. If these first two aren’t enough, see Bruce Jenner.
Moisturize/exfoliate: Moisturize, exfoliate — it’s a vicious circle. Moisturizer? Yes, daily. And one with sunscreen. Exfoliating scrub? Yes. Maybe the grittiness will make you feel more manly about doing it, like you’re hurting something.
Sunscreen: Yes. You’re a grown man now. Sunburn isn’t sexy on that girl dancing in circles at Coachella and it’s not sexy on you.
Male make-up: Yes, this is a thing. Unless someone else is applying it for you for a specific task — stump speech, drag show, you’re playing The Phantom — no, you shouldn’t do it.