Old Dead Traitor Memorial Park 

  • HISTORICALLY CORRECT: New freeway sign.
One of these days, friends, I’m going to pick up the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette and my indignation buzzer is going to simply burn right the hell out. When that happens — given the enormous pressure stored up inside me over Elections 2000 and 2004, the evil genius of Karl Rove, Fox News’ “Fair and Balanced” motto, voter fraud in Ohio, the Iraq War, Abu Ghraib, 1,500 dead soldiers and counting, and a thousand other things that have made me feel like I’ve been nibbled to death by rabbits since the Bush presidency began lo these 300 years ago — it’s going to all go very bad. I’m talking cold-cereal, breakfast table fusion. I am Dave, destroyer of worlds. The resulting blast will likely take out most of the Stifft Station neighborhood, and cover the Hillcrest/Pulaski Heights area in a fine layer of ire, rendering it uninhabitable for generations. With Bush scurrying off to hide somewhere in Nebraska, Dick Cheney will have to come in from a golf junket with his Halliburton buddies to assure the public that it wasn’t a terrorist plot designed to scare Mike “The Stick” Huckabee back onto comfort food, but just a dumpy white Democrat in Arkansas who finally got his fill of bullshit and exploded. I thought it was going to happen on Thursday, Aug. 18. When it comes to the D-G editorial page, I’ve long since become like one of those kooky hillbilly fundamentalists who condition themselves to drink strychnine by taking a sip today, a half-teaspoon tomorrow, working their way up to a quart. These days, after years of D-G editorials crowing over pretty much everything I despise, the black little chamber in my heart where I process their daily tankerload of crapola is pretty much lined in the same stuff they use for heat tiles on the space shuttle. This editorial, however, was so ironic and infuriating that only by the force of my will and the blessed squeeziness of the stress ball I keep in my desk drawer was tragedy averted. That day, the D-G editorial page ran an unsigned missive titled “A decent respect in Memphis.” Therein, they gave a rundown of the recent unpleasantness over some Memphians’ attempts to rename three city-owned parks — Confederate, Davis (as in Jefferson Davis, the president of the Confederacy) and Forrest (as in Nathan Bedford Forrest, the Confederate general who, after the Civil War, found time between drinking corn likker and beating his wife to found the Ku Klux Klan). Mainly the D-G editorial was an excuse to give ass-pats to Memphis Mayor Willie Herenton for refusing the “airbrushing” of Suth’ern history, then get in a swipe at our Mayor Jim Dailey for taking down freeway signs for Confederate Boulevard just before the opening of the Clinton Library (signs which had been both wrong and misleading since 1978, when the majority of Confederate Boulevard was renamed Springer Boulevard after a prominent black family in the Sweet Home area). “It has become commonplace in this politically correct era to wipe out any awkward remains of the past,” the D-G wrote. “As if, because we disapprove of an historical figure, whether of his politics or morality or the way he wore his tie, his memory must be erased.” That was the line that almost had me going nuk-u-lar. The D-G editorial page routinely broke out the pitchforks and torches a few years back when the city was thinking of ways to commemorate the presidency of Bill Clinton. Disapprove of honoring a historical figure because of his politics or morality? Would you, Paul? Say it ain’t so. As it so happens, I have an August 1999 editorial by D-G editorial page editor Paul Greenberg right here, written back when he was rabble-rousing to try and make sure Markham (the street whose name is so historically important that I’ve heard even our historians aren’t quite sure who it was named for) was never besmirched by the name of the only Arkansas politician who ever did anything more historic than siccing the National Guard on school kids and porking Fanne Foxe. A few choice lines, just for the hypocrisy factor: “So they decided to go ahead and ram this bitter little pill down Little Rock’s throat. And they were surprised again when Little Rock refused to swallow. … Why not have Clinton Avenue extend all the way past the Excelsior and the Doubletree hotels — with their unavoidable memories of Paula Jones and Juanita Broaddrick? With that extension, the whole flavor of a President Clinton Avenue would change. … The innocent tourist, complete with shorts and camera, would find himself on another Clinton scandal tour.” Let me rephrase that for you folks in Standard Umpstead: “Don’t you Arkie idiots know that parks and streets are supposed to be named for wealthy, elitist, slave-owning traitors, one of which went on to found the largest homegrown terrorist group this country has ever seen — not for an Arkansan who had a little trouble keeping his zecker pipped up while rising from poverty, winning the presidency, keeping our extremist stop-at-nothing enemies at bay for eight years and presiding over the longest period of wealth and prosperity most Americans will ever know! I mean, come on! Use a little common sense here, people!” Airbrushing history indeed. Still, it makes me feel a bit better knowing that — if you watch them long enough — you’ll find that the editors at the D-G don’t even buy the crap they write. Send your letters to: Koon Memorial Sewage Treatment Plant david@arktimes.com



Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

More by Max Brantley

  • 2nd Amendment meets the 1st in Fayetteville on campus carry

    They've had a forum in Fayetteville today on Rep. Charlie Collins' fervent desire to force more pistol-packing people onto the campus at the University of Arkansas (and every other college in Arkansas.) He got an earful from opponents.
    • Jan 20, 2017
  • Reality TV: Watching burglary live in LR

    A home surveillance system helped a Pinnacle Valley home owner get photos, but not immediately catch, burglars who stole two firearms Wednesday morning.
    • Jan 20, 2017
  • The Trump open line.

    Here's your open line. I hear there's a new president.
    • Jan 20, 2017
  • More »

More by David Koon

Most Shared

  • Sarah Huckabee Sanders to be deputy White House press secretary

    Donald Trump announced additional White House staff today, notably including Sarah Huckabee Sanders, deputy assistant to the president and principal deputy press secretary.
  • Legislation filed for $10 million school voucher program

    The legislation to vastly expand transfer of state tax dollars to private schools came before the school choice day event I mentioned earlier.
  • Pork and more

    Some notes on disparate topics before I take a vacation break.
  • Trumpeting

    When President-elect Trump announced he would, in a few days, force Congress to enact comprehensive health insurance for everyone, poor or rich, that would provide better and cheaper care than they've ever gotten, you had to wonder whether this guy is a miracle worker or a fool.
  • Putin and Trump

    Here's a thought exercise: What do you suppose would happen if Russian strongman Vladimir Putin decided to clarify remarks he reportedly made about Donald Trump during the election campaign?

Latest in Media

  • UA cozy with D-G columnist

    An interesting element of the ongoing story of budget problems in the University of Arkansas Advancement Division has been a divide in outlook in the pages of the state's dominant news medium, the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette.
    • Nov 21, 2013
  • Democrat-Gazette covers one of its own in story of reporter Cathy Frye's rescue

    The Arkansas Democrat-Gazette's reports on the rescue of its reporter Cathy Frye, who was missing for days in the hot scrubby desert that is Big Bend Ranch State Park, are gripping.
    • Oct 10, 2013
  • Hodge shares his OA vision

    Roger Hodge, the new editor of Oxford American magazine, talked about his rise at Harper's, his writing philosophy and his plans for the OA before a full crowd last Wednesday at the Clinton School.
    • Sep 26, 2012
  • More »

Visit Arkansas

1.73-carat diamond found at Crater of Diamonds State Park

1.73-carat diamond found at Crater of Diamonds State Park

Jack Pearadin and Doug Nelsen found a 1.73-carat diamond after nearly a year of searching the park's field.

Event Calendar

« »


1 2 3 4 5 6 7
8 9 10 11 12 13 14
15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26 27 28
29 30 31  

Most Viewed

  • Putin and Trump

    Here's a thought exercise: What do you suppose would happen if Russian strongman Vladimir Putin decided to clarify remarks he reportedly made about Donald Trump during the election campaign?

Most Recent Comments

  • Re: Putin and Trump

    • Good one, Al. Hell hath no fury, and all that happy horse-shit. I hope Gene…

    • on January 20, 2017
  • Re: Putin and Trump

    • Make that "old hack."

    • on January 20, 2017
  • Re: Putin and Trump

    • Oh dear - It is me, E.E.W - I'll confess - but not so much…

    • on January 20, 2017

© 2017 Arkansas Times | 201 East Markham, Suite 200, Little Rock, AR 72201
Powered by Foundation