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There’s been such a flurry of ivory-billed woodpecker news since the bird’s recent rediscovery that it’s been hard to keep current. So in case you missed them, and don’t hanker to Google, here are a few of the related developments. Bro. Jerry Falwell says God brought the ivory-bill woodpecker to near extinction as punishment because its admirers and advocates are nearly all gay, and the bird itself is probably gay too. It had to be explained to President Bush that the term “woodpecker” meant something other than an erection. Kenneth Starr has asked for an additional $60 million to investigate what the ivory-billed woodpecker might have been reading or merely contemplating during the “secretive” years. Newsweek is claiming that East Arkansas authorities in their investigation of the ivory-bill sightings desecrated a copy of “ A Field Guide to the Birds.” The Wall Street Journal describes the ivory-billed woodpecker as just the latest mysterious character in the ongoing Whitewater scandal, and has called for the appointment of another special prosecutor. Ivory-billed woodpeckers have been added to the list of implements and devices and other potential weapons that you can’t take aboard an airplane. An ivory-billed woodpecker hair style, resembling the early Benny Hinn, is already the rage in Little Rock. Tyson Foods is looking into an endangered or threatened species line of frozen dinners that would include prairie chickens, whooping cranes and ivory-billed woodpeckers. Billy Bob Thornton has developed a new phobia that involves ivory-billed woodpeckers that look like Benjamin Disraeli. President Bush says reports of the ivory-billed woodpecker in the Cache River bottoms means we should go in there and drill for oil. As if it didn’t have enough problems, Jane Fonda has come out in favor of the ivory-billed woodpecker. The New York Times now doubts the authenticity of news stories it published by reporter Jayson Blair in which he claimed to have interviewed ivory-billed woodpeckers at a number of luxury resorts around the world. Folklorists deny that the original Ole King Cole nursery rhyme had four-and-20 ivory-billed woodpeckers baked in the pie. Martha Stewart, who first said a little bird told her the insider stock trading tip that got her sent to prison, now admits that it was an ivory-billed woodpecker. Paula Jones says an ivory-billed woodpecker propositioned her at a Little Rock hotel one time, and Kathleen Willey says one groped her, and Gennifer Flowers says one peed in a brass bowl in her kitchen. Monica Lewinsky says she considered performing oral sex on one, but couldn’t figure out how. There’s just no way I can tell you what Paris Hilton says she and the ivory-billed woodpecker did out behind the star trailer during the filming of “The Simple Life.” Gov. Mike Huckabee promises he won’t grant clemency to an ivory-billed woodpecker unless it is a murderer that has found Jesus. Kansas authorities say ivory-billed woodpeckers don’t exist and never have, because they would have pecked holes in the ark and sunk it. A review of old expense accounts shows that former Arkansas Attorney General Steve Clark had lunch with ivory-billed woodpeckers on many occasions and always picked up the tab. The Arkansas Democrat-Gazette is proposing changing the name of the ivory-billed woodpecker to the David O. Dodd woodpecker. Former congressman and sheriff Tommy Robinson says as far as he’s concerned the ivory-billed woodpecker can go straight to hell. Nolan Richardson now thinks the root cause of his problems might have been an ivory-billed woodpecker putting the jankey on him. Ivory-billed woodpecker byproducts are said to be an ingredient in the drug that Rush Limbaugh is currently addicted to. Alice Walton has bought the famous John James Audubon painting of ivory-billed woodpeckers and will put it in her Bentonville museum in an exhibition for the Northwest Arkansas illuminati entitled “Woodpeckers for Peckerwoods.” House Majority Leader Tom Delay says the ivory-billed woodpecker’s comeback may be short-lived unless it learns to give appreciation dinners and other lavish gifts. Dr. Phil has so far applied 17 platitudes to the ivory-billed woodpecker, including urging it to take its fate into its own talons. Ann Coulter sees a pattern of treason in ivory-billed woodpeckers going way back. Sen. Jim Holt, among others, will feel a lot better if the ivory-billed woodpecker tweets or yammers or hablas in Ingles rather than Espanol.
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