Favorite
There’s been such a flurry of ivory-billed woodpecker news since the bird’s recent rediscovery that it’s been hard to keep current. So in case you missed them, and don’t hanker to Google, here are a few of the related developments. Bro. Jerry Falwell says God brought the ivory-bill woodpecker to near extinction as punishment because its admirers and advocates are nearly all gay, and the bird itself is probably gay too. It had to be explained to President Bush that the term “woodpecker” meant something other than an erection. Kenneth Starr has asked for an additional $60 million to investigate what the ivory-billed woodpecker might have been reading or merely contemplating during the “secretive” years. Newsweek is claiming that East Arkansas authorities in their investigation of the ivory-bill sightings desecrated a copy of “ A Field Guide to the Birds.” The Wall Street Journal describes the ivory-billed woodpecker as just the latest mysterious character in the ongoing Whitewater scandal, and has called for the appointment of another special prosecutor. Ivory-billed woodpeckers have been added to the list of implements and devices and other potential weapons that you can’t take aboard an airplane. An ivory-billed woodpecker hair style, resembling the early Benny Hinn, is already the rage in Little Rock. Tyson Foods is looking into an endangered or threatened species line of frozen dinners that would include prairie chickens, whooping cranes and ivory-billed woodpeckers. Billy Bob Thornton has developed a new phobia that involves ivory-billed woodpeckers that look like Benjamin Disraeli. President Bush says reports of the ivory-billed woodpecker in the Cache River bottoms means we should go in there and drill for oil. As if it didn’t have enough problems, Jane Fonda has come out in favor of the ivory-billed woodpecker. The New York Times now doubts the authenticity of news stories it published by reporter Jayson Blair in which he claimed to have interviewed ivory-billed woodpeckers at a number of luxury resorts around the world. Folklorists deny that the original Ole King Cole nursery rhyme had four-and-20 ivory-billed woodpeckers baked in the pie. Martha Stewart, who first said a little bird told her the insider stock trading tip that got her sent to prison, now admits that it was an ivory-billed woodpecker. Paula Jones says an ivory-billed woodpecker propositioned her at a Little Rock hotel one time, and Kathleen Willey says one groped her, and Gennifer Flowers says one peed in a brass bowl in her kitchen. Monica Lewinsky says she considered performing oral sex on one, but couldn’t figure out how. There’s just no way I can tell you what Paris Hilton says she and the ivory-billed woodpecker did out behind the star trailer during the filming of “The Simple Life.” Gov. Mike Huckabee promises he won’t grant clemency to an ivory-billed woodpecker unless it is a murderer that has found Jesus. Kansas authorities say ivory-billed woodpeckers don’t exist and never have, because they would have pecked holes in the ark and sunk it. A review of old expense accounts shows that former Arkansas Attorney General Steve Clark had lunch with ivory-billed woodpeckers on many occasions and always picked up the tab. The Arkansas Democrat-Gazette is proposing changing the name of the ivory-billed woodpecker to the David O. Dodd woodpecker. Former congressman and sheriff Tommy Robinson says as far as he’s concerned the ivory-billed woodpecker can go straight to hell. Nolan Richardson now thinks the root cause of his problems might have been an ivory-billed woodpecker putting the jankey on him. Ivory-billed woodpecker byproducts are said to be an ingredient in the drug that Rush Limbaugh is currently addicted to. Alice Walton has bought the famous John James Audubon painting of ivory-billed woodpeckers and will put it in her Bentonville museum in an exhibition for the Northwest Arkansas illuminati entitled “Woodpeckers for Peckerwoods.” House Majority Leader Tom Delay says the ivory-billed woodpecker’s comeback may be short-lived unless it learns to give appreciation dinners and other lavish gifts. Dr. Phil has so far applied 17 platitudes to the ivory-billed woodpecker, including urging it to take its fate into its own talons. Ann Coulter sees a pattern of treason in ivory-billed woodpeckers going way back. Sen. Jim Holt, among others, will feel a lot better if the ivory-billed woodpecker tweets or yammers or hablas in Ingles rather than Espanol.
Favorite

Comments

Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

More by Max Brantley

More by Bob Lancaster

  • Wretched rez

    I had some New Year's Rez(olutions) for 2016 but that ship sailed so I'm renaming them my Spring Rez or my All-Occasion Whatevers and sending them along.
    • May 26, 2016
  • Nod to Bob

    A look back at the weird and wonderful world of Bob Lancaster.
    • Mar 21, 2013
  • On black history

    If you're going to devote an entire month to appreciating the history of a color, it might as well be the color black.
    • Feb 14, 2013
  • More »

Most Shared

  • Constituents go Cotton pickin' at Springdale town hall

    Sen. Tom Cotton, cordial to a fault, appeared before a capacity crowd at the 2,200 seat Pat Walker Performing Arts Center at Springdale High tonight to a mixed chorus of clapping and boos. Other than polite applause when he introduced his mom and dad and a still moment as he led the crowd in a recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance — his night didn't get much better from there.
  • Stand up for Little Rock

    If Little Rock deteriorates because of substandard schools, there will be blame aplenty to share. But some elected leaders deserve special mention.
  • Hating the media

    Presidents, with the exception of George Washington, never found much joy with the media, although Donald Trump is the first to use the scarily freighted words "enemies of the people."
  • What's new and coming soon to Argenta

    A riverfront hotel, new residential development, food, drink and more.
  • Downtown Little Rock and North Little Rock are back in business

    Main Street and beyond bustles.

Latest in Bob Lancaster

  • Lancaster retires

    Bob Lancaster, one of the Arkansas Times longest and most valued contributors, retired from writing his column last week. We’ll miss his his contributions mightily. Look out, in the weeks to come, for a look back at some of his greatest hits. In the meantime, here's a good place to start.

    • Feb 21, 2013
  • On black history

    If you're going to devote an entire month to appreciating the history of a color, it might as well be the color black.
    • Feb 14, 2013
  • Making it through

    Made it through another January, thank the Lord.
    • Feb 6, 2013
  • More »

Visit Arkansas

Little River County gears up for Sesquicentennial

Little River County gears up for Sesquicentennial

Historical entertainment planned for joint celebration of three Southwest Arkansas milestone anniversaries

Event Calendar

« »

February

S M T W T F S
  1 2 3 4
5 6 7 8 9 10 11
12 13 14 15 16 17 18
19 20 21 22 23 24 25
26 27 28  

Most Recent Comments

  • Re: Arkansas voters know what they want

    • Oh, they're doing the jobs they are paid to do. But first we must ask…

    • on February 26, 2017
  • Re: Stand up for Little Rock

    • Just tell us the whole deal like we were little children with no understanding. I…

    • on February 26, 2017
  • Re: Arkansas voters know what they want

    • It is inappropriate for disgruntled legislators to take revenge upon the citizens of the state…

    • on February 25, 2017
 

© 2017 Arkansas Times | 201 East Markham, Suite 200, Little Rock, AR 72201
Powered by Foundation