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Predictions for ’08 

Sometime in his lifetime, Mike Huckabee might read some Proust. Not in 2008.

Mike Huckabee will declare that he misspoke when he called Arkansas a Banana Republic. What he meant to call it, he will say, was “the Chicken-Plucker's Paradise.”

Mike Huckabee will continue in 2008 to free vicious criminals from the Arkansas penitentiary, citing as his authority to do so a “signing statement” that he added to prison legislation that passed when he was governor. He will only free convicts who have “found the Lord,” though.

.Mike Huckabee will feel obliged to explain that when he talks of possible chinks in the armor of his presidential campaign, he's not disparaging Chinese people.

Mike Huckabee will remind contributors to the presidential campaign that he and his wife Janet are still accepting housewarming gifts, and gifts of any other description, and love offerings, and loose change that you dig out of the sofa and don't know what to do with, and anything else of value.

Mike Huckabee will claim that he was so poor as a child that all he got for Christmas each year was a cowpie. And that will remind him of a joke.

Mike Huckabee will shrug off the near identical similarity of human DNA and chimpanzee DNA as “just a big coincidence.”

Mike Huckabee will claim in a debate that Rudy Giuliani has broken more Commandments than there are Commandments, and Giuliani will chippily invite him to remove his own beam and also to ES&D.

Mike Huckabee's presidential campaign will inspire a new fad among junkies: huffing Velveeta.

Mike and Janet Huckabee will have another covenant marriage ceremony on Valentine's Day, their second in two years, for several reasons: to again show the world that their marriage is stronger and better than anybody else's; to trigger a new round of wedding gifts, hopefully classier than the last batch; to signal the base that he will be wearing the pants in the family and she'll only be the helpmeet; and to allay any lingering suspicions that either of them is secretly gay, bi, or horny for jailbait or has ever contemplated or would ever contemplate divorce.

Mike Huckabee will reject the election-day strategy that his campaign manager Ed Rollins made famous — paying Negroes not to vote. Huckabee will suggest as an alternative that Negroes pay him for the opportunity not to have to vote for him. Or they can give him a wedding or housewarming gift or a boat.

Mike Huckabee will disclose that he and the Rolling Stones like to “hang out,” with them supplying the groupies and him the canapes.

Janet Huckabee will reveal that her all-time role-model hero is Joanie Weston, the Roller Derby queen, and will announce that, in tribute to Weston, she will seek the women's world professional rassling championship. You have to like her chances.

Mike Huckabee will promise to exempt yard sales from the big sales tax that he's proposing to replace the income tax. Also pie-supper proceeds.

Mike Huckabee will name Billy Graham as his favorite philosopher and also as his favorite newspaper columnist and also as his “favorite intellectual since the Reformation.” He will cite Bro. Billy's “depth,” ranking him “right up there with Kenneth Copeland.”

Still smarting from a friendly White House aide's observation that the name Huckabee makes him sound like a hick, Mike Huckabee will flirt for a time with the notion of making Dash Riprock his “political name,” for ballot purposes only.

Mike Huckabee will be tabbed by Alan Keyes as the Antichrist. Huckabee will deny the charge, calling Keyes another of Satan's brothers, but the fiery red gleam in his eyes will give him away.

Mike Huckabee will promise that if elected he'll keep on hand a couple of decanters of Mogen David “for state dinners attended by visiting sot dignitaries who think they just have to have the hard stuff,” but that he'll discourage refills, and that he and his will stick with good old Mountain Valley Water.

Mike Huckabee's inaugural poem, if it comes to that, will be his old favorite, set to rhyme, about the bulls and cows and rams and ewes and roosters and hens screwing.

Mike Huckabee campaign stalwarts Chuck Norris and Janet Huckabee will team up on a campaign ad that will show you how to kick the crap out of anybody who messes with you. It might get around to asking you to support Huckabee for president, or it might not.

Mike Huckabee will ask profilers to cease calling him a native of Hope and to call him instead “a diamond in the rough from just outside of Murfreesboro.”

In fulfillment of an old Action America pledge, Mike Huckabee will campaign for president only in pants with a Skoal circle on a back pocket, but he won't be required to take a spit cup to every podium he speaks at, despite his Faustian agreement back when he was lieutenant governor to do so.

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