The Observer reported Jan. 20 having seen a “rakish jet-black Cadillac” which bore a license plate reading BDABING, and wondered — was there a Soprano at the wheel? Now, from the horse head’s mouth, we get this message:
“ARE YOUUUZ TALKING TO ME? Must be … I am the driver of the sleek, black CTS Cadillac named ‘BDABING.’ Sorry to bust any bubbles, but I’m not a mobster nor have a last name like Soprano. The only similarity between Tony Soprano and myself is our bellies, a little Italian blood and our initials. TS. And no, I am not in any type of witness protection program. But as the years have passed, my hair has become silver gray and I have been referred to as John Gotti and/or the Godfather several times. I have been known to wear a black-rimmed hat and a long black trench coat while making a ‘hit’ … selling Cadillacs. So the next time you see a Black CTS with the license plate ‘BDABING,’ rest assured the man behind the dark glass has a ‘contract out on you,’ but only to sell you your next Cadillac! I will make you an offer you can’t refuse! Thanks for your recognition of BDABING. The Family thanks you too!
Your Cadillac man and a huge Soprano fan
P.S. My wife’s name is Pammy. Maybe you will see her sometime in her car with the license plate, you got it, BDABOOM!”
Now that we know SpongeBob isn’t so Squarepants after all, we’re suspicious about other animals we’ve known and loved who, had we known, we would not have loved, since they posed a threat to the very fabric of our society.
Worse, these are real animals, on land, whose homosexual antics were on view for every Little Rock child to see for decades.
Ruth and Ellen were never far apart, now we think of it, and they sometimes rubbed their butch pachydermal hides together. Now that SpongeBob has been squeezed out and shown to be, not a child’s cartoon character, but a sly porifera seeking to soak up our innocence, we see what dangerous folly it was to believe the zoo’s claim that the elephants were just “two spinsters” saving on hay.
When Ruth died, Ellen trumpeted loud and mournfully and went into a long depression — further evidence of an indecent relationship — until, in 2001, she met a new girl, Mary. It was love at first sight: they were photographed with their trunks entwined, just like Bob holding hands with his friend Patrick the (limp-wristed) Starfish when they emerged from the pineapple under the sea.
Though the teletubbie Tinky Winky, a purple baby with a TV in its tummy, was, in retrospect, flaming, we were caught unaware. SpongeBob rang no bells, either.
Now we’re more diligent about these perversities, eyeing the animal kingdom a little more carefully. We may even have to quit going to Paws Park down by the river, because, believe The Observer, there’s immodest behavior down there, and it’s probably not so innocent. Now we think about it, we’re sure we’ve seen same-sex sniffing. Send them back to the doghouse!
The purchase of the Lovely County Citizen newspaper in Eureka Springs by Rust Communications, which owns Eureka’s Times-Echo, has got our panties in a twist. The Lovely County Citizen is itself lovely, reporting on the antics of that schizophrenic hill town with open and gentle humor. We have often drawn on its police beat to amuse the readers of this column, and we do so again, hoping it won’t be the last time:
“Thursday, May 20
2:10 p.m. — A man pestering female subjects near a downtown lingerie shop gave officers the slip.”
Ted Suhl was sentenced this morning by federal Judge Billy Roy Wilson on four counts of attempting to bribe a state official to help his mental health business supported by Medicaid money. He received 84 months and a $200,000 fine and is to report to prison in early January. He will appeal.
Blogger Russ Racop raises an interesting question, as he sometimes does, about Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones' gift of free tickets for North Little Rock cops to attend a Dallas Cowboy football game.
The Observer came into the office on Tuesday morning, not quite bright-eyed or bushy tailed thanks to Daylight Savings Time jetlag, to find our colleague Benji Hardy conked out asleep in yet another colleague's office, Benji having pulled an all-nighter to bring you, Dear Reader, this week's cover story.
Rep. Justin Harris blames DHS for the fallout related to his adoption of three young girls, but sources familiar with the situation contradict his story and paint a troubling picture of the adoption process and the girls' time in the Harris household.
he Observer has our regrets, just like everybody else. For example: last week, Yours Truly published a cover story on the increasingly ugly fight over Eureka Springs' Ordinance 2223, which is designed to protect a bunch of groups — including LGBTQ people — from discrimination in housing, employment, accommodations, cake buying, browsing, drinking, gut stuffery, knickknack purchasing, general cavorting, funny postcard mailing and all the other stuff one tends to get up to in the weirdest, friendliest, most magical little town in the Ozarks.
Little Rock police responding to a disturbance call near Eighth and Sherman Streets about 12:40 a.m. killed a man with a long gun, Police Chief Kenton Buckner said in an early morning meeting with reporters.
Crystal Bridges Museum of American Art is installing Sol Lewitt's 70-foot eye-crosser "Wall Drawing 880: Loopy Doopy," waves of complementary orange and green, on the outside of the Twentieth Century Gallery bridge. You can glimpse painters working on it from Eleven, the museum's restaurant, museum spokeswoman Beth Bobbitt said
Ted Suhl, the former operator of residential and out-patient mental health services, has lost a second bid to get a new trial on his conviction for paying bribes to influence state Human Services Department policies. Set for sentencing Thursday, Suhl faces a government request for a sentence up to almost 20 years. He argues for no more than 33 months.
The Observer will be moving soon. Not out of The Observatory, thank God, as we're sure it will take the wagon from the 20 Mule Team Borax box to get us away from there after 14 years of accumulation, plus a team of seasoned Aussie wildlife wranglers to herd our pair of surly wildcats into a crate. No, just out of the office we've been in at the Fortress of Employment for going on five years, which is bad enough. We're moving to the other side of the building here in a few months.
What with the big, clear-the-decks Road Trip issue last week — which we're sure you stuffed immediately in your motorcar's glove box, turtle hull or catchall, for when you get a hankerin' to gallivant — The Observer has had two glorious weeks to Observe since the last time we conversed.
Union Pacific's No. 844 steam locomotive made its way through the North Little Rock train yard on Oct. 24. The 907,980 pound train was the last steam locomotive made for Union Pacific and is amid a 1,200 mile journey that will end in Cheyenne, Wyo. on Oct. 31. This is the first multi-state excursion for the locomotive since completion of a three yearlong restoration.