The Observer reported Jan. 20 having seen a “rakish jet-black Cadillac” which bore a license plate reading BDABING, and wondered — was there a Soprano at the wheel? Now, from the horse head’s mouth, we get this message:
“ARE YOUUUZ TALKING TO ME? Must be … I am the driver of the sleek, black CTS Cadillac named ‘BDABING.’ Sorry to bust any bubbles, but I’m not a mobster nor have a last name like Soprano. The only similarity between Tony Soprano and myself is our bellies, a little Italian blood and our initials. TS. And no, I am not in any type of witness protection program. But as the years have passed, my hair has become silver gray and I have been referred to as John Gotti and/or the Godfather several times. I have been known to wear a black-rimmed hat and a long black trench coat while making a ‘hit’ … selling Cadillacs. So the next time you see a Black CTS with the license plate ‘BDABING,’ rest assured the man behind the dark glass has a ‘contract out on you,’ but only to sell you your next Cadillac! I will make you an offer you can’t refuse! Thanks for your recognition of BDABING. The Family thanks you too!
Your Cadillac man and a huge Soprano fan
P.S. My wife’s name is Pammy. Maybe you will see her sometime in her car with the license plate, you got it, BDABOOM!”
Now that we know SpongeBob isn’t so Squarepants after all, we’re suspicious about other animals we’ve known and loved who, had we known, we would not have loved, since they posed a threat to the very fabric of our society.
Worse, these are real animals, on land, whose homosexual antics were on view for every Little Rock child to see for decades.
Ruth and Ellen were never far apart, now we think of it, and they sometimes rubbed their butch pachydermal hides together. Now that SpongeBob has been squeezed out and shown to be, not a child’s cartoon character, but a sly porifera seeking to soak up our innocence, we see what dangerous folly it was to believe the zoo’s claim that the elephants were just “two spinsters” saving on hay.
When Ruth died, Ellen trumpeted loud and mournfully and went into a long depression — further evidence of an indecent relationship — until, in 2001, she met a new girl, Mary. It was love at first sight: they were photographed with their trunks entwined, just like Bob holding hands with his friend Patrick the (limp-wristed) Starfish when they emerged from the pineapple under the sea.
Though the teletubbie Tinky Winky, a purple baby with a TV in its tummy, was, in retrospect, flaming, we were caught unaware. SpongeBob rang no bells, either.
Now we’re more diligent about these perversities, eyeing the animal kingdom a little more carefully. We may even have to quit going to Paws Park down by the river, because, believe The Observer, there’s immodest behavior down there, and it’s probably not so innocent. Now we think about it, we’re sure we’ve seen same-sex sniffing. Send them back to the doghouse!
The purchase of the Lovely County Citizen newspaper in Eureka Springs by Rust Communications, which owns Eureka’s Times-Echo, has got our panties in a twist. The Lovely County Citizen is itself lovely, reporting on the antics of that schizophrenic hill town with open and gentle humor. We have often drawn on its police beat to amuse the readers of this column, and we do so again, hoping it won’t be the last time:
“Thursday, May 20
2:10 p.m. — A man pestering female subjects near a downtown lingerie shop gave officers the slip.”
Noel Oman of the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette reported on plans underway at the Arkansas freeway department to raise the license fee for electric cars to what a gas-powered car pays in fuel taxes, maybe $180 a year. Fair? They say yes; I'm not so sure.
I'm sorry we stood by while your generation's hope was smothered by $1.3 trillion in student loan debt, just because you were trying to educate yourselves enough to avoid falling for the snake oil and big talk of a fascist.
The Observer's boss, Uncle Alan, is something of a gentleman farmer on his spread up in Cabot, growing heirloom tomatoes and watermelons and crops of chiggers on property that looks like the perfect farmstead Lenny and George often fantasized about in "Of Mice and Men."
The Observer is an advocate of the A+ method of integrating the arts and using creativity to teach across the curriculum, an approach that the Thea Foundation, with help from the Windgate Charitable Foundation, is offering to schools across the state.
The Northwest Arkansas Economic Development District today provided me with the subpoena it received from federal investigators in a probe that led to former Republican Rep. Micah Neal's guilty plea to taking kickbacks from money he guided to a nonprofit agency and a private college in Springdale, apparently Ecclesia College.
Having gotten a deep security briefing and probably a confidential glimpse of our own vast cyberspying operation, Donald Trump is no longer pretty sure that the Kremlin didn't hack Democratic computers or employ other tactics to help his election.
When completed, the Ten Commandments monument on the state Capitol lawn will be the exact size, shape and weight of the vaguely humming black monolith that appeared at the foot of Conway Sen. Jason Rapert's bed in June 2010 and later elevated his consciousness from apelike semi-sentience to incrementally less apelike semi-sentience.
No more clinging to material things, unless those material things are life preservers tossed as I go down for the third and final time, the few remaining strands of my once-majestic locks, or the skids of the last helicopter out before the fall of Little Rock.
All I want for Christmas is a wooden boat with a sail. A cozy cabin cruiser with saucer-sized portholes and a hotplate for heating up the grog and a little spoked wheel for The Cap'n to grimly lash himself to when it comes up a blow.