Favorite

The Observer March 2 

When all the restaurants in the area go smoke-free (we’re being optimistic here), The Observer thinks those that were partitioned to separate the smokers from the non-smokers should keep the dividers up to separate cell phone from non-cell phone users.

Cell phone users in restaurants are becoming increasingly rude. Peeps: We’re eating, we’re conversing with our table, and we don’t want to hear your end of a phone call. There’s a reason payphones are housed in glassed boxes or put in an area away from the public.

When cell phones first surged in popularity, they were used discreetly in public places, especially restaurants. The user might step outside to make a call or take one, especially one that might last longer than “I gotta call you back.” He or she might even apologize for the interruption.

The trend now, however, is toward louder conversations within earshot of the unlucky souls who came to dine at the same time.

The topper for us came at, of all places, a Wendy’s restaurant, where only three or four tables were occupied. This diner, all alone, loudly let us all in on a lengthy conversation better carried on in private: admonition of the person on the other end for an out-of-wedlock pregnancy, choice of friends (bad) and relationships (bad), a running down of others, and a lot of other gossip.

So, sitting in the cell phone section of Wendy’s, we thought: Why not a new meaning for booth? If you asked for one, you would be led to a sound-proofed, glassed-in table, and your toxic conversations would go no further than your fork. No more sidestream gossip, that’s what we want!



The Observer was passed a story recently from the Associated Press about a woman who found a bird’s head inside her can of pinto beans.

The La Preferida brand beans were recalled, the AP reported. But it did not say what kind of bird the head belonged to. Our correspondent worried that it could have been the head of our hard-to-find ivory-billed woodpecker.

He need not have. The bill would not have fit into a 15-ounce can of beans. An ovenbird is more likely, given the gustatory nature of the container. Thank goodness it (apparently) wasn’t a swallow.



Wouldn’t you know it?

When Floy Luppen decided to give up driving and sell her car, she was parting with a 1992 Ford Taurus whose career had been spent traveling no more than just a few blocks, from home to Terry’s Grocery and Smith’s Drug and back. It had only 43,000 miles on it.

No sooner was it sold — with the tag unintentionally left on — than the Taurus went on the trip of its life, being used as the getaway car after a robbery in West Little Rock. The police called Mrs. Luppen, who thoroughly enjoyed the news that her car had at last seen some excitement. “I don’t think it had ever gone very fast,” she told The Observer.



Re the mention last week of zombie dreams: We have been put on notice that the premier zombie reference work is “The Zombie Survival Guide” by Max Brooks. “It is required reading,” a reader informs us.

We knew there would be at least one reader out there who would appreciate our musings on zombies.



The Observer is shorthanded this week, to the tune of one, and is wondering what a unidexter can write about using only the left side of the keyboard. We’d have to write about sewers and stars and sad faces and T rex and the raw taste of waste. We’d feast, rest, see a red serf draft a stage farce.

Drat! Gad! 2 few 2 wrest a start.


Favorite

Comments

Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

More by Max Brantley

More by Arkansas Times Staff

Readers also liked…

  • I'm sorry

    I'm sorry we stood by while your generation's hope was smothered by $1.3 trillion in student loan debt, just because you were trying to educate yourselves enough to avoid falling for the snake oil and big talk of a fascist.
    • Nov 17, 2016
  • Addendum

    he Observer has our regrets, just like everybody else. For example: last week, Yours Truly published a cover story on the increasingly ugly fight over Eureka Springs' Ordinance 2223, which is designed to protect a bunch of groups — including LGBTQ people — from discrimination in housing, employment, accommodations, cake buying, browsing, drinking, gut stuffery, knickknack purchasing, general cavorting, funny postcard mailing and all the other stuff one tends to get up to in the weirdest, friendliest, most magical little town in the Ozarks.
    • Apr 30, 2015
  • Snake stories

    The Observer's boss, Uncle Alan, is something of a gentleman farmer on his spread up in Cabot, growing heirloom tomatoes and watermelons and crops of chiggers on property that looks like the perfect farmstead Lenny and George often fantasized about in "Of Mice and Men."
    • Aug 27, 2015

Most Shared

  • Department of Arkansas Heritage archeologist resigns

    Bob Scoggin, 50, the Department of Arkansas Heritage archeologist whose job it was to review the work of agencies, including DAH and the Arkansas Highway and Transportation Department, for possible impacts on historic properties, resigned from the agency on Monday. Multiple sources say Scoggin, whom they describe as an "exemplary" employee who the week before had completed an archeological project on DAH property, was told he would be fired if he did not resign.
  • Trump proposes an unconstitutional ban on flag burning, revoking citizenship

    Donald Trump, the president-elect of the United States, this morning made a public statement, via Twitter, that the flag burning should be disallowed by law: "there must be consequences — perhaps loss of citizenship or year in jail!"
  • Child welfare too often about 'punishing parents,' DCFS consultant tells legislators

    Reforms promised by the Division of Children and Family Services are "absolutely necessary," the president of DCFS's independent consultant told a legislative committee this morning. But they still may not be enough to control the state's alarming growth in foster care cases.
  • Donald Trump taps Tom Price for HHS Secretary; Medicaid and Medicare cuts could be next

    The selection of Tom Price as HHS secretary could signal that the Trump administration will dismantle the current healthcare safety net, both Medicaid and Medicare.
  • Fake economics

    Fake news is a new phenomenon in the world of politics and policy, but hokey economic scholarship has been around as long as Form 1040 and is about as reliable as the news hoaxes that enlivened the presidential campaign.

Latest in The Observer

  • Writers blocked

    OK, back to basics, Observer. Get hold of yourself. Give the people what they want, which is escapism! If you don't, this column is eventually just going to devolve into The Prophecies of Hickstradamus at some point in the next four years: "The Orange Vulture perches in the fig tree. The great snake eats Moonpies and Royal Crown Cola by starlight ..." That kind of thing. Nobody likes that. Too much deciphering and such.
    • Dec 1, 2016
  • Cassandra

    The Observer's grandfather on our mother's side was a crackerjack fella. Grew up in the sandy hills north of Conway. County boy, through and through. During hog-killing time in December 1941, the story in our family goes, when word of Pearl Harbor reached his little community, he and his friends loaded into his T-model truck and made the rough journey to the first speck of civilization that included an Army recruiting office, where they all enlisted.
    • Nov 24, 2016
  • I'm sorry

    I'm sorry we stood by while your generation's hope was smothered by $1.3 trillion in student loan debt, just because you were trying to educate yourselves enough to avoid falling for the snake oil and big talk of a fascist.
    • Nov 17, 2016
  • More »

Visit Arkansas

Learn about one of the wildest oil booms in history in Smackover

Learn about one of the wildest oil booms in history in Smackover

This small south Arkansas city was once one of the top oil producers in the nation.

Event Calendar

« »

December

S M T W T F S
  1 2 3
4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17
18 19 20 21 22 23 24
25 26 27 28 29 30 31

Most Viewed

Most Recent Comments

  • Re: Ruth Coker Burks, the cemetery angel

    • Thank you, Ruth! Thank you.

    • on December 2, 2016
  • Re: Art in America

    • I have being hearing about this blank ATM card for a while and i never…

    • on December 2, 2016
  • Re: Asa and Trump

    • I have being hearing about this blank ATM card for a while and i never…

    • on December 2, 2016
 

© 2016 Arkansas Times | 201 East Markham, Suite 200, Little Rock, AR 72201
Powered by Foundation