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The Thanksgiving leftovers Inconsequential News Quiz 

click to enlarge Little Rock Junction Bridge image
  • Junction Bridge

1. It was revealed recently that Little Rock Mayor Mark Stodola has proposed a plan to make the bridges connecting Little Rock and North Little Rock more attractive. What's the big idea?

A) Retrofit the Junction Bridge into the Little Rock Deathdrop 5000, a steel-frame rollercoaster with a 175-foot plunge, three loops, and a tunnel entrance featuring a huge fiberglass replica of County Judge Buddy Villines' head.

B) Margarita Thursdays!

C) "Thirteen million rhinestones and a metric buttload of hot glue."

D) String lights on the bridges, Jennings Osborne style, so they can be more easily seen at night.

2. Following an armed robbery outside a West Little Rock bank earlier this month, a bystander did something that, in retrospect, probably seemed a little dumb even to him. What did he do?

A) Breathlessly told local TV news crews that the robbery had sounded "just like a freight train."

B) Loudly critiqued the fact that the robber held his pistol sideways instead of upright, exclaiming: "Go back to 1993, you poser!"

C) Pulled out his own handgun — which he had a concealed carry permit for — and shot at the fleeing crooks, missing them by a mile but managing to hit another car.

D) Offered to be the robber's wheelman in exchange for $300 bucks, a package of Skittles and a Peach Nehi.

3. It was announced that next year, something will disappear from the labels of Hiland Dairy Milk. What is it?

A) "Warning: This is, like, a cow's breast milk. You realize that, right?"

B) A small line-drawing of weatherman Ned Perme's head, which is thought to have anti-bacterial properties.

C) Instructions.

D) The old Coleman Dairy logo, 17 years after the company was sold to Hiland.

4. A group of parents became upset this month because Terry Elementary in Little Rock was offering a field trip that some feared might be harmful to their children. Where were the kids going?

A) A performance of a stage version of "A Charlie Brown Christmas" at Agape Church, which some parents objected to.

B) "Clucky Visits the Slaughterhouse: A Fun-Filled Lesson on Where Meat Comes From."

C) Dog track in West Memphis, because principal needs a new pair of shoes!

D) Deep Fry Your Own Corndog Day at the Git-n-Go convenience store on Asher Ave.

5. Earlier this month, the latest performance at Little Rock's The Weekend Theater was put in jeopardy by an unforeseen catastrophe. What was it?

A) Chilly theater made "The Full Monty" into more of a "Half-Full Monty," if you know what we're saying.

B) A passing car plowed into the front of the theater, causing several thousand dollars in damage.

C) The actor playing Banquo in "MacBeth" did such a good job on the line "You should be women, and yet your beards forbid me to interpret that you are so!" that the Three Witches broke character and kicked his ass.

D) Costume designer's promised Technicolor Dreamcoat turned out to be a brown terrycloth robe with a March 1983 copy of TV Guide in the pocket.

6) Recently, Little Rock's commitment to public art was shaken to the core. What happened?

A) A patron at the Arkansas Arts Center accidentally ate the 1983 avant-garde masterpiece: "Some Milk Duds I Bought at the Tandy 10 Theater."

B) Three bronze sculptures were stolen from Riverfront Park, probably by scrap thieves, and a limestone sculpture near the Central Arkansas Library's Main Library was badly damaged.

C) Permit denied for a performance art piece called "American Exceptionalism," that would have seen a nude, 57-year-old German named Klaus Dohl jump from the roof of City Hall into a vat of KFC gravy.

D) Facing a series of lawsuits, the Pulaski County Quorum Court voted to paint over artist Ken Newman's seminal mural "SPLAT! (with broken collarbone)," which was basically a Wile E. Coyote-style painting of a tunnel on a brick wall, designed to trick unsuspecting bicyclists.

Answers: D, C, D, A, B, B

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