Central Arkansas venues have a full week of commemorative events planned
The debate at the House of Dominoes the other day was over who should get the credit.
There was general agreement over who shouldn't get it. That would be the man who gave the whack order, the man given the credit in most other quarters, including from Darth Cheney himself. Nothing against that man. Well, one thing against him.
I arrived when the discussion was just heating up. Seg Now was saying, "How about if we give the credit to the Unknown Soldier from the tomb of the same name?"
The proposal received a respectful mulling before Rojo Cuello ruled on it. "We can't do that, Seg," he said. "Because they's one thing we do know about the Unknown Soldier and that is, he's dead. And whoever kilt Ben Loddin idn't dead. We'd be giving credit where it's not due."
"Instead of not giving credit where it is due," Perro Amarillo said. "Which is y'allses current order of business here in Snooker Valhalla, it sounds like"
"Well, I'd rather see somebody's that's dead get it than a [N-word]," Seg Now said.
Perro Amarillo sighed and said, "A real enlightened attitude, Seg. Why don't we adjourn now and go burn a cross in somebody's yard?"
"I never seen the point of that," Seg said. "Often as not, a half-burnt cross just improves their yard's appearance. Like giving them another pink flamingo or plywood bent-over fat woman."
Seg Now's twin brother Seg Forever said, "I'd vote a'gin giving the [N-word] credit too. Course I wouldn't give it to Bush, neither, and if I had to choose between 'em, I wouldn't know whether to [s-word] or go blind."
Rojo Cuello said to Perro Amarillo, "Look around you, Bud. This here's Arkansas. We would've voted Faubus king for life if he would've run for it. And you know the color of why."
"That was a long time ago, R.C.," P.A. said.
"All right, then, what about our No. 2 man in Little Rock right this minute? He's asking God on his website to bump off the [N-word] president just because he's a [N-word]."
"Who done that?" somebody [not clear in my notes] said.
"Our lieutenant governor," I interjected to clarify. "[F-bomb]er said it was just a joke he was passing along. He didn't try to take credit for it, which was either real good of him or real bad."
"It was mighty white of him anyhow," R.C. said.
"Look at our last two elections," the Seg boys' knotty little old nephew said. "The reason birds like that are in there is because Republicans has give us to know they hate [N-word]s. We vote against Democrats because they either love [N-word]s or they have to say they do because it's part of their program. All of this is did in code, but it's did."
"Yeah, it's did. I have to give you that," I conceded.
"Well, I don't," P.A. said. "If this is what we've come to in this country after two hundred years of steady decline, God help us."
"No," I reminded him, "He only helps them that help theirselves."
"None of this yahoo bunch would even help theirselves to pie," he said.
"Long as it was Karo nut, I would," Seg Now said.
P.A. rolled his eyes and said, "Cripes, you can't even insult them."
"I heard ol' Limbo on the reddio and he thinks he ought to get the credit," R.C. said.
"He would," P.A. said.
"I seen ol' Huckabee on TV and looked like he was wanting credit too," Day Late said. "And the re-ward, if they is one."
"Yeah, they's one," his running buddy Dollar Short said. "I seen the dead-or-alive wanted poster. It started out at something like $50 million, and gradually sunk down to $312.50."
"He'll get his claim in, then," Day Late said, talking about Huckabee. "He won't never be second in no line of them what has their hand out."
The old boy called Pious said, "I think Jesus Christ ought to get the credit. He's the one inspired all of this."
"Do what, Pious?" I queried, incredulous.
"Well, No. 1, He's the one said vengenance is mine, and if he wadn't lying, then this is his handiwork. No 2., He's the one said a eye for a eye, and you probably noticed where it was Ben Loddin was shot. No. 3, He's the one said turn the other cheek. But what he went on to say, and they didn't report this part, was while you're turning that other cheek to the [f-bomb]er that smit your first one, you can go ahead and blow his[f-bomb]ing [a-word] off."
"That's not what He says in my Bible," the old boy called Deacon said. "You need to read Matthew 6:38-48, Pious."
"I used to read," Pious said, "but you don't have to anymore. You can get it all on Fox."
"Well, take my word," Deacon said. "It don't say nothing positive about murdering murderers, or murdering anybody, or just coldcocking them. And then having some kind of strutting-around, we-bad party when you do."
Bob Lancaster, one of the Arkansas Times longest and most valued contributors, retired from writing his column last week. We’ll miss his his contributions mightily. Look out, in the weeks to come, for a look back at some of his greatest hits. In the meantime, here's a good place to start.
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