Arkansas Blog

A married couple was walking down the street having an increasingly angry discussion when they decided to stop in a bar and have it out over a drink.

They turned into the first bar they came to, sat at a table, ordered drinks, and continued the argument, so intent on their differences that they failed to notice they'd gone into a gay bar.

The guys at the bar and the bartender tried not to look too much a the couple as they got louder and angrier, even when the woman yelled at the man, threw the dregs of her drink in his face, and stormed out.

The man stood, swept both drinks off the table, threw some money down, and stomped out after her.

There was a bit of silence at the bar, before one of the regulars turned to the bartender and said,

"Mixed marriages--they never work out."

A Baptist, A Catholic, And A Mormon were sitting out in the middle of a lake fishing...they were having a fairly rotten day and the topic turned to sin, and they began to confess to one another.

The Baptist said, "Well boys, I'm a liar...I just can't tell the truth to save my life." The other men nod silently and a silence ensues.

The Catholic said, "Well boys, I'm a lush. I can't stay off the sauce and it's killing me, affecting everything and I'm even having an affair with the school principle's wife." After this bombshell...a longer silence ensues...then the Mormon heads to the back of the boat and fires up the motor.

Both of the others look at the Mormon and asked in surprise, "Hey buddy, what's YOUR deal?"

The Mormon looks at them both with a twinkle in his eye and says, "Boys...I'm the biggest gossip in the county...and I can't WAIT to get back to shore!"

Happy Sunday...New offerings on my blog.

Q: What did the worm say to the caterpillar?

A: "So, who did you have to screw to get the fur coat??"

The god Thor is feeling lonely one day, so he disguises himself as a mortal and picks up a chick in a bar.

They have great, vigorous, acrobatic sex all night long. In the morning he feels guilty because he hasn't told her his true identity, so he says, "I have to confess something to you."

" I'm Thor."

She says, "YOU'RE Thor? I'm so thor I can't even pith!"

What did the cadapillar say when riding a turdle?

Wheeeeeee!

Q. What is the difference between Congress and the Library of Congress?

A. At the Library of Congress, you aren't allowed to lick the pages.
.

Thanks for the laughs Everybody! Here's one that made me laugh long, long ago. A dear departed friend in South Dakota got the story in the 1930s from the author of _Black Elk Speaks_, Dr. John G. Neihardt of Nebraska.

Dr. Neihardt and a friend were ice fishing in the Black Hills. They sat freezing as they dangled lines through the holes in the ice. After two hours, they had caught nothing. But throughout that time they had watched a young kid pull in more than a dozen fish through the ice, so they approached the kid.

Dr. Neihardt asked, "Say young fella, what's your secret? Why didn't we catch any of those fish?"

Young fella mumbled "Mmmbmm bmmumm mmmbmmb"

Dr. Neihardt asked again and got the same mumbled answer. So he asked a third time.

Then the kid opened his mouth, spat out a huge wad of squirming worms and said, "You've got to keep your worms warm."

A man in a bar approached and attractive lady with heiis favorite pick-up line.

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?"

This one's dedicated to our man chasv. I thunked of him when I read this:

A man goes to a psychiatrist, and tells him "Doc, I think I have an obsession with sex." The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him various drawings.

First the doctor draws a square and asks the man to identify it. The man immediate ly says "sex". Next the doctor draws a circle, which the man again identifies as sex. Thirdly, the doctor draws a triangle, which of course the patient identifies as "sex".

The doctor puts the drawings away and says to the patient, "Yes, I do believe t hat you have an obsession with sex."

To which the man replies, "I'm not the one with the obsession! YOU'RE the one drawing all the dirty pictures!"

THE WHYS OF MEN
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
because they are plugged into a genius.
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
because they don't have time.
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE ONE MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
they don't stop to ask directions.
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
because their balls fall over their butts and they vaporlock.
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
so they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
6. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),

MUST NOT BEAT ME,

MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,

AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to
her dismay, she opened the
door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a
wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are
you?,"the widow said. Just look at you...you have no legs!"

The old gentleman smiled, ...... "Therefore, I
cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled, ....."Therefore, I can
never beat you.

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you
still good in bed??"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and
said, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"

The wedding is scheduled for Saturday.
_____

Homer and Agnes were both in their nineties and each recently widowed when they met at an ice cream social in town. Neither wanted to spend the rest of their days alone, so within a couple months they wed.

They were both a little nervous on their wedding night, because it had been such a long time since either had been sexually active. Before going to bed together for the first time, Agnes went into the other room to put on some new lingerie. When she went back into the bedroom she told Homer, "Now I must tell you, I sometimes have acute angina." Homer sighed and said, "Well that's good news, 'cause them saggy titties ain't doing anything for me!"

Why do you take 2 Baptists fishing?

Cause if you take 1, he'll drink all your beer!

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Answer: That's not funny!

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children are enough.

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So, what's the question?

Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.

A Letter of Reconciliation to Restore a Love Lost

Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during
our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you
left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the
wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the
first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who
would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now
I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of
pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I
don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And
this is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Connie." I look
for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not
you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at
Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you,
but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only
youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean,
just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that
just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the
couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've
made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well,
in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a
better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately
attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I've never really thought of that
before.

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd
tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself
thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her
flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something
else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And
then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to
watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you.

Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do
just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn
lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of
lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman
around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the
real story.

Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know,
we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster
in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman
does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether
the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting
mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor
and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally
hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why
didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old
vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order.
I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head
on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this
painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about
women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie,
she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and
talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same
DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you
when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, and that
gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying
it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us.
But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby
sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you. It's true,
Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start
over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think
we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.
Otherwise, can you let me know where the friggin' remote is?

Love, Dan

Q: Why are Mike Tyson's eyes red after he has sex?

A: Mace

Today is the anniversary of the famous "NO DOUBT. Pre-invasion speech given by none other than Richard Cheney.

Read and watch Colbert celebrate this important date in history as only Colbert can do.

Click bluename.

. PUNNING

1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

2. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was
resisting a rest.

3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut
off? He's all right now.

4. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

5. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

6. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

7. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

8. A thief fell and broke his leg in wet concrete. He became
a hardened criminal.

9. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with
stalking.

10. We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

11. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

12. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes
was on shaky ground.

13. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

14. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog
your memory.

15. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

16. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
(~/\~)

Singin the Blues Do's and Dont's

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues. Unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

11. Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund

14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

15. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

17. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

18. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues, no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

20. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson,Fillmore, etc.) For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Lame Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

Two poets died and go to heaven. One is a fellow from Harvard University, very cultured, and another one is a good old country boy from University of Arkansas.

Saint Peter is trying to figure out which one to let go in first. He finds much to his amazement both were born the same moment and died the same moment. Both asked Christ into their heart at the same moment. Both had equal amount of sins and good deeds. They were equal in everything.

Scratching his head, Saint Peter goes to God with the quandry and asks which one goes first. God is busy but looks up and says, "Both are poets you say? Simple Peter, have them each make up a poem. The one with the better one goes first." Saint Peter says, "A poem about what?"

God says, "Timbuktu"

Saint Peter comes back and relates this to the both of them.

The first from Harvard steps up and haughtily says, "Across the winding desert and down through the hot sand dune. Winds the famed and colorful camel train of the ancient city of Timbuktu."

Saint Peter says okay...looks at the good ole boy and says "Can you do better."

The Razorback says "Sure can, you see Tim and I a'hunting we went, when we spied upon a tent. In the tent were three girls but of us just two. So I bucked one and Tim bucked two!"

Is this real?

This is the closest you can come to being a superhero

at my name

Gov Ahnold Inhales on film (at my name)

New Bumper Sticker Contest for Republicans just published

10. Stay the Course
9. Iraq, Now More Than Ever
8. DEFICITS DON'T MATTER
7. PRO LIFE PARTY
6. Kill them there or kill them here.
5.Spreading Freedom to the World
4. Hillary for What !
3. Big Oil for Big American Cars
2. Who Kept you Safe since 9/11? Vote Republican

and the number one bumper sticker for Rs '08
1.THEOCRACY WORKS!

What's the difference between an elephant and an Italian grandma?

/"Elephants have less hair".

Hear about the dude that weighed 160 lb. but his testicles weighed 80?

They said he was half nuts.

Just spent the evening watching most of the second season of HBO's "Rome" (they didn't have the first volume) and was depressed. Now I'm not. Thanks, all.

By God, if the film clip at my name of Miss Teen South Carolina giving the most mind numbing answer EVER does not win the joke contest...dammit where's my cookie??

/click my blue name

Damn, Mojo, I think I'll have some of whatever she was smoking.

Maybe it just speaks volumes for No Child Left Behind.
.

Breaking word on the national scene:

CRAWFORD, TEXAS -- Embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, under fire from congressional Democrats, has resigned, senior Bush administration officials said Monday.

A senior Justice Department official said that a likely temporary replacement for Gonzales is Solicitor General Paul Clement, who would take over until a permanent replacement is found.

Another official, also speaking on grounds of anonymity, said that Gonzales had submitted a resignation letter last Friday. These officials declined to be identified because the formal announcement about Gonzales was still pending.

First thing I heard on my radio this morning was an announcement that Gonzales has handed in his resignation. Someone please tell me I'm not dreaming.

I heard the same thing. Oh well, at least Our President will find another equally qualified, high-caliber individual to fill the spot. Someone of sterling character, high morals, and a history of dedicated public service. Michael Chertoff comes to mind.

*snare roll / cymbal crash*

Rats, sinking ship. Let's toss them a load of anvils.

Now I know where Wally Hall gets all his jokes. He reads Arkansas Blog.

Today, I received this message from a life-long republican, forwarded to all her republican friends:

THINKING
?It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- just to loosen up.
Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.??I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true.
Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.? 
That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life.  She spent that night at her mother's.? ?I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't help myself.? ?I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"? ?One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has  become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."? ?This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I  confessed, "I've been thinking..." ?"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" ?"But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver.? "You think as much as college professors and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!" ?"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.?She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.
 "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.
 
I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors. ?They didn't open. The library was closed.  To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. 

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster.

This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.  I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's."  Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.? ?I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.? ?Today I took the final step...I joined the Republican Party. 

A grasshopper walks into a bar and hops on a stool...

Bartender says, "Ya know, we got a drink named after ya."

"Really?" replies the grasshopper, "You got a drink named Murray?"

Did anyone else notice Gary Busey's daughter
doing the weather during the KTHV morning show?

.....Bullwhiz

Wizard of Whimsy

Best anti-Bush artist EVER>

/click blue name