Killing the Fairytale.
A while ago, a good friend asked, "You're so normal, why are you single?" For me, a resounding question recently asked by yet another friend. It's a question I can't answer because my abnormalities stare back at me. The last few times I've let my guard down and thought I'd found something special and real, I later discovered it was a facade leaving me empty handed and heartbroken. A part of me died, but I don't really miss that wide-eyed girl.
Never really feeling means never really hurting. And yet, how does one truly disconnect emotionally? Do we shut out the surface love for fear it could expand and eventually cause pain? Or, does one jump in, cannonball-style, despite the risk of probable hurt? What is the right route? For me, it's sitting on edge with occasional dips in the shallow end.
The thrill of the chase is a tiring race and "too available" forces me to run. Sometimes I feel as though I run in place, never gaining ground, but never retreating backwards either.
I often see friends, both male and female, engaged in idealistic views of love. I see the same friends waste their time with the "wrong" one because it's better than being alone. I know I am not perfect. I continually submerge myself in challenges because unattainable is what I wish to attain.
Maybe I'm too fortunate. I surround myself with terrific people, I always have a pseudo date, and my enemies are few. Maybe I need a reminder of what lonely feels like, or perhaps lonely is all too familiar and it's made itself at home. Few are ever entirely satiated. The grass is always greener. Something is always missing.
Another good friend emailed me today in regards to relationships. He constantly struggles with being alone and I repeatedly reassure him alone isn't so bad. Proving you're okay alone is a triumphant feeling beyond measure. Unfortunately, I'm afraid I've grown too comfortable, too apathetic, too jaded, too cynical, too bitter, too stoic. How do you find the happy middle ground, the space between, the door unopened, yet unlocked?
At the risk of sounding cheesy or too "poetic," I equate my love life to blowing a kiss with a three-fingered fist. I send out an "I love you" coupled with a "fuck you," a safety net allowing the recipient to take away what he pleases. I am a victim of my own actions. A girlfriend recently shared tidbits from her conversation with a man she's gone out with a few times. She said, "I told him I wanted to be friends above all-- that I really wanted nothing serious, but I like this man. He is elusive so I fumbled. I drove the friend point home a bit too hard and now I believe he thinks I only want a friendship." Three-fingered fist. She and I are strangely similar in this regard. We cover our vulnerability with words we don't wholly mean, in effort to avoid exposure or to beat him to the punch. In essence, we create our own failure. Why?
I've experienced absolute devastation from relationships, but I've also loved and have been loved. Why do the two extremes not counteract and place us in the neutral? Why does the ache linger rather than the recognition something good awaits??
Honestly, it isn't often I think of love at all. I can't explain why tonight is different, but my thoughts are heavy so I opted to lay some down. What erases the naivete, hope, and romantic notions and replaces them with indifference, negativity, and certainty this is the apex? How does one breathe life back into the fairytale? Exhale.
Comments
No offense, but you are far from "normal" : ) But I mean that as a compliment.. of course. Normal is boring.
I really enjoyed the writing and especially the "blowing a kiss w/ a three fingered fist" analogy. Not only does it 1. REALLY describe how you act 2. rhymes and 3. sounds like an acient deadly kung-fu move.
Self-awareness is a good thing - over-analysis is not. Life is breathed back into the fairy tale when you least expect it. You may miss the breath of fresh air that would have come to you if you had stayed put instead actively searching for it somewhere else.
LAURYN: "Self-awareness is a good thing- over-analysis is not." Well said and could not be more true. Thank you for your response.
Posted by: Anonymous | November 25, 2008 01:23 PM
I personally wish I was more like you in many ways....I always jump in head first into relationships and end up with crazies!!! WTF?!
LAURYN: Trust me, I'm at maximum capacity as far as crazies are concerned! Perhaps this is the cause for my hesitation...
Posted by: Anonymous | November 25, 2008 04:30 PM
Lauryn,
I wholly and quite personally identify with most of what you said. I've got plenty of scar tissue from many of the same circumstances.
I'm a guy, which makes the dynamics a bit different, but still perplexing nonetheless. I'm not a freak in any dictionary definition of the word (in English, anyway), yet I continually end up with a less than stellar hand in the card game of relationships. I've got my share of faults, but I'd like to think they're at least matched by some of the good points.
Maybe you should try dating guys who leave pithy and insightful comments on your blog.
That was a joke. ;-)
Hang in there; great blog, and in terms of not having a stellar batting average in this particular area...you're not alone by any means. :-)
LAURYN: Thank you. I needed that today. Oddly, I use the card analogy rather often. I once told my best friend Wes, "It's as though I've given all 52 cards in my deck, but in 'turn he has given me 48. Almost enough, but not enough to play a game." Wes' retort was (as it typically is) brillant. He said, "If the guy was really worth it, he would have left a deck of cards on your doorstep. Cash in. Move on." And such is life. It does appear one giant point was missed in what I was attempting to convey. I'm not necessarily unsatisfied with my current situation, however, it is a bit unsettling to be okay with where I am. Oxymoron. Whatdoyado?!
Posted by: elusive caught | December 1, 2008 06:00 PM
Lauryn, there's an old saying that the world moves in pairs (at least I think it's an old saying; surely I didn't just make it up) and it's true. Something as mundane as holiday party invitations mentioning "...you and your significant other" and asking for an RSVP are annoying little reminders of the social "norm."
I RSVPd for a party the other day, and the response was, "Just one?" I sincerely don't think the person was being snotty, but...ouch. The world moves in pairs, and if you're just one shoe in a two-shoe world...people scratch their heads.
"Screw them" works in theory, but of course, theory isn't much comfort on New Year's Eve when everyone else is celebrating with liplocks.
I'm not viscerally dying to be attached (or semi-attached, even) to someone...but it would be nice to try it out for awhile so I could make an informed choice about whether attached vs. detached is overrated. ;-)
Posted by: elusive caught![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.arktimes.com/blogs/misadventures/nav-commenters.gif)
|
December 2, 2008 04:56 PM
"I RSVPd for a party the other day, and the response was, "Just one?" I sincerely don't think the person was being snotty, but...ouch. The world moves in pairs, and if you're just one shoe in a two-shoe world...people scratch their heads."
I think part of it is cultural for this area of the country. It's more prevalent, the pairs only please sentiment.
methinks anonymous has a little crush.
I got the scar tissue from the crazies. No relationship is better than dismally bad. But at some point, I can't help but wonder why only dismally bad comes knocking on my door.
Posted by: Melissa![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.arktimes.com/blogs/misadventures/nav-commenters.gif)
|
December 7, 2008 03:54 PM