Chasing Pavements
In the madness of my constant overthinking, I discovered something precious. There is nothing more divine than “easy silence.” In the past, I would take long walks which later turned into long runs. The desire was initially sparked as I wanted to get in better shape. The first few weeks were gruesome. I would have to give myself a daily pep talk to encourage my feet to move, one foot in front of the other. As a short-legged, smoker, with shin splints, I had array of excuses. In my second month of forced motivation, something changed. Endorphins kicked in and I began to look forward, actually crave, my afternoons of “exercise.” One mile turned into three, then four, then five and I was addicted. I refused to walk with friends. I refused to join a gym. This was my time of the day, entirely mine. Eventually, I learned of why this was such a refuge for me. It was the only portion of the day where my brain would become free of thought. No obsession. No analyzing. No worry. No stress. In this absence of thought, I found peace.
As aforementioned in a previous blog, the tornado in April of ’08 destroyed my home. What I failed to note was the tornado also robbed me of neighborhood walking and running. Before, I lived in a neighborhood where I felt safe. Often times, I would run when day light was no longer and even amid the darkness, I never felt afraid. Also, it was beautiful. The trees canopied the streets and each road presented new hills, new homes, new scenery. I took this for granted, as we often do. I can’t run on a treadmill. I want to feel the pavement. I want to really sense the distance. My life is full of running in place, so I refuse to do so in the literal sense. I now live in an apartment, and though I like my new space, I miss my old street. As the old adage states, “if you don’t use it, you’ll lose it.” Since the running has halted, the desire has as well. I no longer remember the feeling as well as I should. I attempted to run (treadmill style) and grew obsessed with the calories I burned, my average “pace,” the time I’d spent running (I’m lying, I was walking) on the damn thing and the freaking time remaining before my time was “up.” I tried a few more times, hopeful of the change awaiting me, but only grew more bitter and decided to eat some cheese dip instead. Or was it ice cream? Or was it cheese dip and ice cream? Point is, treadmills are the devil!
Last week, while with Ben, an old friend with whom I have recently reconnected with, he said, “What are you thinking about? It’s evident you’re deep in thought.” He’s not the first to convey my thoughts as written all over my face. I need to work on this problem. Not simply concealing the thought from my expressions, but the actual thinking itself. Several people have encouraged me to relax as though I wouldn't if I could!!? I love my blood pressure to cause such concern, my doctor has to take it multiple times. That's awesome. Ben encourages me to remove myself from stressful situations. This enables actual relaxation. I said it a million times, but it is worthy of repeating, I am attracted to the calm in others. Slowly, I am discovering my own calm. Slowly.
I don't know how to stop the constant chaos. I do know, I am learning to relish the moments of idle time, like watching TV with my neighbor, conversation unrequired. My next move and comments (and his) refusing to be dissected because the simple, quiet moment wins the battle. Also, I've invested stock in the word "no." My New Year's Resolution was to incorporate this word in my vocabulary more often. I am avoiding ridiculous obligation and I refuse to apologize for it. Long overdue and bound to inspire some rest.
Reading tends to toss me in another world. Sure, the absence of thought is not in play, however, the absence of my own thoughts, certainly take a miniature vacation. The Dixie Chicks sing a song called “Easy Silence,” which to me, is the perfect love song. It definitely strikes a nerve.
Earlier this week, I purchased a couple of new CD’s. Many months ago, my sister Grace, encouraged me to listen to a song called “Chasing Pavements.” I was turned off by the name of the song and her suggestion went in one ear, except it didn’t. I later heard the song on some late night show and it lullabied me awake. Sleep stole me again before I could connect the dots. Last Friday, the song played on my friend Chris’ satellite radio. I made a mad dash to find out the voice behind the song. I have played this song on repeat the last two days. It’s a haunting song for me as the lyrics could have crawled out of my head. “Should I give up or just keep chasing pavements, even if they lead nowhere…” Odd is it intertwines two things I connect to thought. Chasing pavement, running in circles. Running, the very thing I feel frees me from my own manifestations. Great song, nonetheless. I recommend you give it a listen. My sister Grace does too.
We find our peace in unusual places. For some, it rests temporarily at the bottom of a bottle. For me, it resides at the top of a conquered challenge. Being able to recognize it and rest in the recognition is where my true peace is found.
Comments
It's been a long time since I have felt totally at peace. I feel like August a year ago (when Mitch broke his heel) started a slow moving tornado all it's own. The wreck, Momma... I need to find an outlet for my stress. I also need to hear that song. Quiet and calm sound pretty good right now...
LAURYN: Most of the above was out of your control. Hard to funnel/reroute that sort of stress-- as those were life altering occurances. How do we redirect the mundane, ridiculous, stress?
Posted by: Kate | January 14, 2009 10:44 PM
It has been too cold for me to get fully into jogging again, but I know what you mean. When I did try to get out and run (*cough* walk) it was not the same. The tornado tore down all of the trees that lined one of my favorite streets to run down. Not only did the absence of trees make me sad, but there is no long a natural block from the sun. I miss it, but I am sure they will grow back even stronger.
LAURYN: The weather is another strike against my desire to run... ahem, walk. You're an obsessive over-thinker as well (we've discussed in great depth) so I know you "get" the point I'm trying to make. How, how, how do you reroute the worry from your head?
Posted by: Atay | January 14, 2009 11:19 PM
I find that quite often I'm searching for that place that brings me peace and quiet. Unfortunately, chasing pavement does nothing for me but make my hip hurt. Badly.
But everyone should have that something. Otherwise, we find ourselves overburdened with otherwise mundane events in our life.
Great post.
LAURYN: Exactly. But when the stress stack like bricks, what do you do to bust down the wall?
Posted by: MSP | January 15, 2009 10:06 AM
I said it to you verbally, but I'll put it here, too.
Dance. Like no one is watching.
LAURYN: Have you SEEN me dance? It ain't pretty. Trust me, I'd over-think on that one.
Posted by: MSP | January 15, 2009 10:37 AM
Don't have much insight to offer about exercising (gulp), but I do have advice on saying no, which is: just do it!
Self-preservation is not selfish. Obliging everyone else's needs while always putting yours on the back-burner isn't fair or right or necessary.
Setting higher standards for giving your time to others will make them value the time you give them more. Exhausting yourself to please everyone around you only leaves you less able to help them when they REALLY need you.
To summarize: just say no! :-) And don't feel guilty!
LAURYN: I'm definitely using the word "no" quite frequently thus far. And I'm not even sorry...
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January 15, 2009 01:01 PM
I'm hoping this works because I can't stand the thought of having to remember (or let's be honest... forget) another log-in so that I can respond to your blogs.
A bit of practical real advice to keep you from focusing on everything that stresses you: Live in the now. Be in the now. Focus on your sensory intake as you're in your moment - what are you smelling? What do you hear in front of you? Behind you? How do you feel? What do you feel? What is your body experiencing ? Do a body scan. How's your breathing? Listen to your breathing. Count your breathing... breathing in - 1, 2, 3; hold it for a second; count as you breathe out - 3, 2, 1... can you increase the count? 1, 2, 3, 4... maybe 5? What's the highest # you can get to without laboring your breathing? Be present in your life.
It's all fleeting. Now becomes a millisecond ago - this can be plenty taxing on your mental capability, and it's easily more relaxing than worries that plague you.
My other suggestion would be hang out with a friend's children - ask about their day... I can promise that walking through their day with them can help to put your worries into perspective. Children love your attention more than "stuff." They crave it. My nephew loves to talk to me on the phone because I listen to him. I write him letters. We make plans together. Focusing my attention on him at the end of a rough day is nice. Making plans with him for my next visit gives me something to look forward to doing.
And your pet. Spend time with your pet and focus your attention on his needs - his only worries and concerns are yours... it can be relaxing to give unconditional love and attention to them because they make it so easy and effortless for us (for the most part).
Most importantly, schedule a date with yourself... I don't mean this in a perverse way (and I'm sure a few immature snickers may result) - but what's something you've been looking forward to doing that you don't ever have the time to do? Give yourself a mani/pedi/facial? Maybe a full out relaxing bath - complete with candles, relaxing music, bath salts... A 3 hour stint with your book? Making a favorite dish for yourself? Maybe you could go shopping for a bouquet of flowers and schedule to have them sent on a random day or a day you anticipate to be particularly stressful...send them to yourself. Whatever "it" is, it should be a personal enjoyment and it's time that cannot be compromised or interrupted no matter what may come up. We all need a bit of self indulgence every once in a while. We deserve it. You deserve it.
Maybe some of this can come in handy for you? I hope so. Good luck with this!
LAURYN: It worked! I'm not big on the "breathing rituals" as I found that stressed me out more. ADD kicked in and made that a chore. I will say, "live in the now" or as Dale Carnegie would encouage, "Live in day-tight compartments." Definitely good advice, which for the most part, I already live by. Children sorta stress me out. As I've mentioned to you before, I didn't really like children when I WAS a child myself, soooo... BUT, RIGHT ON with spending time with my dog. I think my breathing and stress level naturally decrease when I am with Rusty. I always buy flowers (notice I generally always have fresh flowers in my apartment) when I have extra money and you know I'm a big reader-- all good advice. I believe my decision to slow down has helped the most. You assisted (or encouraged) this decision and I appreciate your motivation in the movement.
Posted by: cleo | January 15, 2009 04:19 PM
I'll second EC's motion.
You can't be all things to all people. You can't even be all things to one person. You just got to be you.
I know this sounds crazy but is there anything stopping you from driving to your old neighborhood, parking the car, and doing your long walks again?
Oh the word is "wogging" walking/jogging. My "running pace" is slower than some of the power walkers. I know. I've seen their times at races.
Yeah I "run" too. Sometimes I do the neighborhood. Other times I go to the high school track. When I go there, I am able to zone out and go to some other place because I'm not worried about some dumbass who thinks it's funny to "mock run over me" Yeah I had a guy swerve his car in my general direction once. NOT FUNNY!
LAURYN: You know, a few folks have asked the same question and when it warms up, I will venture back to my old "wogging" grounds. Still, part of the charm surrounded the trees and most of those are gone. Still, beats the damn treadmill. That thing only inspired more stress. I've nearly been ran over a time or two as well. The iPod tends to block out the noise of passing cars, etc. and in my zone, I turn into an idiot. Oh, and even at my "peak," I was super slow. 5'2 doesn't make for long strides. :-)
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January 15, 2009 04:26 PM
:) I'm glad I could help and I'm super happy for you as you embark on your newest commitment to your personal wellbeing!
As for the breathing exercise, well... I just do that early in the morning - 5 minutes MAX. It seems to help me. And the 5 minutes seems like a mini vacation from my surroundings... added bonus! It helps to hear my soothing best airline stewardess calming voice in my head giving instruction while I'm doing the breathing exercises, too.
I have a Tony Scott CD... and a few others that I might burn to give you - all super relaxing instrumental.
Posted by: cleo | January 16, 2009 08:25 AM
Well, a couple of weeks ago I removed all of the crap off the top of my treadmill and began walking 3 miles a night and roughly 4 nights a week and I love it now! I don't worry about anything for about an hour, I just jam out to some good music! I actually feel guilty now if I miss a day...I'm just waiting to see some results! ...I think everybody needs an escape whether it be reading, walking, music, whatever...it's good for us all!
LAURYN: Exactly how I felt when I was running (on the road.) I'm jealous.
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January 16, 2009 10:42 AM
If you really want some peace and you want to lose yourself, as a gift to yourself...this will be really hard for you Lauren....get up early on Sunday...7:30 should do it...pull your hair into a pony tail and go to The Cathedral of St. Andrews' 8:30 mass...there are usually about 28 people there, you don't have to dress up....and if you can get there about 8:20...the quiet, incence filled, stained glass space will give you peace you won't believe. Try it...I bet you $100 you'll feel peace AND blessings.
LAURYN: Actually, really great advice/suggestion-- best one I've heard. As you stated, VERY difficult for me-- but worth a shot.
Posted by: Momster | January 18, 2009 10:12 PM
I drive to relax. Drive until I've reached the point where I have no worries. I live in Benton. The last time I drove to relieve my stress, I drove for roughly 3 hours. I have no destination in mind and I turn my radio up as loud as my ears will let me. It's wonderful. I have never found anything else that lets me relax like this does.
As I return back to the "real" world, I take a small comfort in knowing that being stress free is only a road trip away.
As they say, different strokes for different folks. I hope you find what works best for you and what motivates you to get back in the game. Exercising in general is tough...especially when you lose your mojo, ha.
LAURYN: Driving can go either way for me. I'm somewhat ansy (ADHD) so often times, a car can feel like a trap. In short, I was definitely an "are we there yet" kinda kid. Then again, you mentioned music...sometimes, I get quite lost in a CD and the driving becomes secondary. Good mention though, odd it wasn't mentioned before.
Posted by: shelteredvoice | January 21, 2009 10:39 AM
It's not surprising that you feel a sense of mental relief/freedom while jogging. People have used activities like this for ages for the same reason.
Greek philosophers used the " paripetetic method" enhance their creativity.
They preferred to discuss ideas while walking up and down the courtyards of their academies instead of just sitting around devoting full attention to the problem at hand.
When you are involved in a semi-automatic activity that takes up a certain amount of attention ( jogging, driving, swimming) it leaves your mind free to make connections among ideas below the threshold of consciousness.
Posted by: Major dad | January 21, 2009 04:43 PM