Misadventures in the Dark

"Anyone can conjure old childhood memories or that which inspires anger, fear, sadness, bitterness. All of which is neither unique or worthy of reveling in to a point where present or future happiness is prevented."

Woah people chronically abused as children or the lost boys of Somalia are not unique or worthy of reveling?!

WOW!

LAURYN: Sure, but I was referencing those who harp on and on about trivial hardships. "My dad liked my brother more than me, I was held back in 3rd grade, I basically raised myself, etc." Things that ARE a big deal, but not big enough to stop time and relive over and over. I've met folks who regurgitated every detail of their childhood while blaming their unhappiness on the events. Accept it and move on. It will always be a part of who you are, but it shouldn't define your existence. You note extreme examples. I was referring to the whiners who 100 out of 100 will bring it up. I know of people who've been through some really, really terrible events-- unmentionable-- these same people are still a pleasure to be around, have turned out to be outstanding human beings. Rise-- rather than perpetuate the downward spiral. THAT is the point I was trying to make. And TGIF.

I'm going to save my full response to this recent post for a face-to-face conversation. While I agree with some of this, I do not agree with all of it.

I will say this, though... NO ONE is put on this earth without having to endure a hardship of some sort. No one. A lesson is presented to be learned, a bit of character and compassion is available to be attained through these hardships and events. And in that way, I truly believe there is no such thing as "victim." Because when we experience hardship or trauma, we are also given opportunity for greatness and inspiration.

It's how we choose to respond to the hardships/traumatic events that can either shape us and give us the character that we know to have inside, permit us to blossom into someone larger than life... or break us.

LAURYN: Precisely. I think identically. Unfortunately, the primary point I was hoping to convey did not surround the subject at hand. I was intending to relay the prefernce to surround myself with "doers," or those who enjoy living. For instance, I rarely (I say rarely because we all do it on occassion,) talk about others behind their backs. I've always joked, "I gain five pounds every time I say something negative about somebody else." (Another reference towards weight, hmmm.) I say this as a reminder no one wants to hear the negative things I feel about someone else or no one wants to hear the negative surrounding THAT IN WHICH WE CANNOT CHANGE. The past is the past. We are a mosiac of our past events and I get that, and yet, to quote John Mayer, "By the time I recognize this moment, this moment will be gone." Life is short. The opportunity to love, laugh, and appreciate exists for everyone. To quote Kate's mother, now deceased, "HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE." It's just that simple. There is an exception to every rule, but in general, we feel how we ALLOW ourselves to feel. Agree or disagree, this is my opinion.

Seems like Melissa enjoys being a negative nancy. You may want to read the blog again, Melissa. I think you missed the point.

LAURYN: Melissa often leaves thoughtful responses, all of which (her current response included) are appreciated. Perhaps there was some misunderstanding in what I was intending to put out there.

Lauryn, you are right on time. Those folks that blame anything and everyone for who they are and how they live never learn to take responsibility for their lives. I knew what you were referring to. I've known those folks and like you i tend to remove myself quickly. That yucky stuff can get all over you if you're not careful...another fabulous manuscript. R.

LAURYN: Thank you Randi. In my youth, I had trouble disassociating my troubles from others, to include strangers. Fortunately, I learned the lesson sooner versus later. Thanks again!

I understood your blog. About being a fountain and not a drain. Everyone, and I do mean everyone gets dealt something sometime. Maybe not the abuse one reader spoke of, but child abuse....happens, I would guess, in at least 10% of American families....and possibly more. Degrees of this abuse probably determines ones' ability to "bounce back". It's not acceptable, it's not to be taken lightly. And I do believe there are victims...hopefully, if one survives...they can take that horror...and put it away so they might know something good. It's hard, it takes family, friends and God's grace. Personally, I had a strict upbringing but it must've been a good upbringing because I had the fortitude to get out of the "nut house" and bring my three children out of there without the benefit of financial or emotional help to set a new tone...a safe zone...a new beginning. We were lucky and we were blessed. We're not perfect now but we're not drains. We are givers and not takers...which probably attracted the sociopath to begin with. See....none of you wanted to hear any of the above ***OMITTED*** did you? You'd rather here that everything was patent leather shoes that skpped down the lane, with buttered carrots and roast beef for dinner and kool aid in a big, glass pitcher with a big smile etched on it's frosty surface. And guess what....we had that too.

A friend of mine, who once was an All American football player (a McDonald All American, a Parade All American) who took his own life by hanging...once tolld me. "The best revenge is living well". His name was Bruce Wooldridge, and he was right! God bless Bruce...sometimes we just can't see through the fog...and that happens, but when that cloud lifts...sometimes you can't believe you ever were so desperate. And that's what I have to say about that.

LAURYN: Abuse occurs in 10%-- I feel there is some (it's all relative) in 100% of homes. You can't appreciate the good without the bad. Oddly, this blog has seriously meandered into a discussion I never meant to inspire. What the first commenter failed to consider is this-- I mentioned the people I do and do not opt to be around, the "glass half empy" bellyachers (1/10 of my blog.) I've never had the company of a Somalian. It was inspired by those I DO surround myself with on purpose-- those who own their actions and demand good for themself-- and for those they love. Also, I harbor no regrets. My past is my past. It was essential in creating who/how I am, and I think I'm pretty decent.

Dang Mom. Put all our shit out there on front street. I get your point though

You're welcome. You look happier 32 pounds lighter. There will always be people who try to make it about the big picture all the time, but if people like melissa would focus on improving their own attitudes, maybe that could change the world. .......but probably not. Heh.

LAURYN: Happier indeed.

To both Lauryn and Momster: In case I ever forgot- THIS is why I hang out with y'all. Momma would be beyond proud. She spent at least her entire adult life saying exactly what you did. "Happiness is a choice", yes. You can take all of the awful things in life, and blame someone else for them (and sometimes they ARE someone else's fault) and you can wallow in the mire. OR, you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off, take the lesson, and move on. You will be pissed off, or hurt, or lost, or depressed sometimes. When any or all of those become an everday thing...something needs to change. I love you both and you both inspire me all the time. And Wes' comment? That is soooo Wes. Way to tell it, Wes! Nice!

Lauryn,
You know, of course, that I agree with the point you made. My mother's life was not perfect, but she chose happiness and she taught Katie and I to choose happiness. We all have our tragedies, we all have our sorrows, we all have things we cannot control. What defines us is how we choose to handle those things. We can stew in misery or we can seek out the joy to be found in life. My Mama would have loved this post.

LAURYN: "What defines us is how we choose to handle those things...." <-- precisely the point. Your mother raised two compassionate, kind, selfless daughters too. Your attitude (and Katie's) is a direct reflection of hers-- and a huge reason I love the both of you.

Audrey, defining someone's entire character and reading comprehension based on one somewhat snarky comment is just stupid.

I responded to the "NO ONE"

I've been wondering why you keep harping on the "happiness is a choice" You've written several blog entries about it to the point that I'm wondering "who's the whiner that you can't escape"? And why is it so important to tell the world about the type of friends you have? But that's just me playing pop psychologist.

Surrounding yourself with good people is different than saying the good brings good and the bad brings bad. If you truly go by the bad brings bad, then you have to say that Momster did something really shitty and as a result brought crazy stepdad upon herself.

Momster, I used work with foster kids. Kids who endured what your kids did but without you. Then they get stuck in foster homes that have 4-5 other kids. So while Lauren turned out okay, I wonder about those kids who don't have a Momster and due to high caseworker turner and all that, don't really have anyone.

Sometimes the whiner is the person in the fog. Sometimes the whiner is depressed and needs prozac and the get real Wes style comment is "you need some help because you are sad and pissed all the time" Even Achilles had his heel.

I think I disagree with the "happiness is a choice." You feel how you feel. Feelings are like clouds, they come and go. Some days just suck. Even you yourself got into a cloud and ate yourself 30 pounds heavier than you are now. It happens. Now what you choose to dwell on and give your undivided attention, that's a different issue altogether.

Should you let your baggage (and everybody has some) be an excuse to treat other people like crap? No I'm not saying that at all. Nor should you expect to throw a 24/7 pity party and expect everybody to drop everything and join in.

In light of everything Momster said, it is enlightening that you pick the person who bitches about the bad childhood as the example whiner.

Yeah you'll end up deleting this.

LAURYN: First, I would never, ever delete a comment simply because it offers a different point of view than my own. I struggled with whether or not to delete Momster's quote because of the personal tone-- but thought against it because I vowed not to "censor" my own thoughts and opinions and feel it only fair to allow others the option to be candid. You've never been personally attacking or cutting and there is simply no reason to delete a comment simply because it opposes my opinion. Period. To expand, I wrote with one person (maybe even subconsciously) in mind. She called me several times (calls unanswered) at the time in which I was writing this post. I recall her (as she always does when in my presence) talking of how her misery stems from her childhood-- and while I feel it is all relative, her examples were trite. As stated before, I know people who have risen above the murk, the fog-- above dispite the horrific things that played a part in their past. Perhaps the "childhood" example was a bad one as it has inspired this thread while my ultimate point has been lost in the shuffle. And sure, I've admitted we all have moments in which we're lost in the clouds, absolutely, but whether or not we chose to stay there or free ourselves (be it prozac, therapy, whatever) says a lot. When (at 5'1 no less) gained the 30 pounds, I was somewhat oblivious to it initially. Funny how that happens. I continued to see myself as a size two until, well, one day I didn't. As a result, I took action and am happier now because of it. 99% of the people I surround myself with are "doers." They seek the good in life. It is by design that I surround myself with these people. Whining inspires well... whining. Are there extenuating circumstances? Absolutely. Of course. I was referencing those who are unhappy unless they are unhappy. Those who would complain about having to pay taxes after winning the lottery. Maybe I was not initially clear in what I hoped to relay.

Oh, leave the comments as they are (like you need my permission)!!! The water cooler discussion is getting interesting.

Lauryn, I take back my "I disagree with you on part of this" after our talk. My only issue was with "Accept it and move on" that you posted in your reply - there's more to it than just that - there's a helluva lot of work to do before one can get to the point of "accept it and move on"... It's akin to experiencing a rite of passage to get to the point of that realization - no one can do the work for said person. It's a deeply personal transformation that takes time. Hello!!! You're there. YOU are there, Lauryn. You've clearly made the choice for happiness in your life.

It's evident when you're faced with catastrophe-after-catastrophe... point in case: last year's tornado destroyed your home. You didn't wallow in your loss. I have never been so personally impressed by a person's attitude in the face of adversity as I was with yours, your mother's, your family's, your friends' on that day. It was/is a truly inspiring moment. I didn't see a second of "THIS happened to ME. ME!!!!"

I saw a Goliath of an uprooted tree trunk next to me, giving perspective... fallen to an adversary that was unmatchable, evidence of dealing with ridiculous odds. You, the house, the roommates, Rusty... the underdog. And you didn't give up. You faced it head-on. Fisticuffs readied. No one is born with that. It's not genetic. It's not inherent. It's not a given. It's learned through experience and good parenting. When you sent out Thank You notes to everyone who helped you, again... you blew me away with your fortitude and grace.

I feel the need to clarify a point. "Happiness is a choice." - the simplified version of what I am trying to convey when I say I do not believe there is such thing as "victim"...

To quote a friend (who happens to be a professional counselor): "You can only transform your present. You cannot transform in your past. You can not transform in your future. Paradoxically, when you choose to transform your present, you automatically transform your past and your future. But you only have the choice and the power in any now-moment. So live in the now."

If your mother were to have stayed in that situation, that would've been a choice... in which case, a choice would've been put in place that would clearly not have benefitted any of you. Your mother didn't make that choice, thank goodness! Oh my stars, thank goodness!

Momster, you made a choice to get out of a horrific situation. When you made that choice, you reclaimed your power. There is ALWAYS a choice to make. We're constantly at a crossroads in life: deciding what our boundaries are - what's okay, what's not okay. In either case, consent is given to happiness or unhappiness, and in that way, we ARE masters of ourselves.

LAURYN: "You can only transform your present. You cannot transform in your past. You can not transform in your future. Paradoxically, when you choose to transform your present, you automatically transform your past and your future. But you only have the choice and the power in any now-moment. So live in the now." <-- YES, YES, and YES!!!!! Nail on the head!!!! And since you didn't mention it, I will-- you too, work with the abused, addicted-- you see rehabilitation (by personal choice and otherwise) and set backs daily. And... you are one of the positive people I purposely like to be around on a regular basis.

WoW! I'm not even going to respond to Melissa's comment, Lauryn, because obviously she's right, we're all wrong, As I stated before, it appears that she does enjoy being negative. If she thinks that all of your blogs always talk about being happy, and clearly has stated this isn't her favorite topic, then maybe she should read others' more negative blogs. Maybe she'll feel better about that. Or, MAYBE, she should just stick to watching the news because those watchers will always be sure to find something negative on the news these days. Anyways, I enjoy reading your blogs, Lauryn! love Aud!

LAURYN: There will always be those who wish to be combative.

Boy this one (and comments) got awfully dark for a relationship blog.

LAURYN: Well hello Major Dad. Been a while. The post itself was not intended to be dark, the comments ventured into an unintended area. I must clarify, however, not all, or even most, of my blogs center around "relationships," though I suspect they were "supposed" to in the beginning.

Audrey, I responded to you the way I did because you did give a personal attack and were snarky about it. Oh and the sense of entitlement to tell me what blog to read or not read, who the hell gave you that crown? Get over yourself! I give it back to you in kind. As Lauren as stated, I have never made a personal attack and have gone out of my way not to do so. In that way, you put it out there and I gave it back to you which actually proves the karma point that Lauryn was providing.

I meant that you would delete my comment because it references Momsters comment and mine would make no sense without hers. Nothing more, nothing less.

I agree with Heidi.

Feelings being what they are are signs that something isn't right. In that respect, I don't think feelings per se are mutable or even that you have a choice in the matter. If someone kicks you in the knee, you feel pain. If someone steps across your personal boundaries, you feel pain. It's not really a choice of what you feel. Now what you do with those feelings is the choice. Do you choose to try to better yourself and get off the couch? Yes. Will everything be hunky dory the moment you first try to get off the couch. err.. usually no. Do you give up and sit back down? no.

That's where the choice comes in.

The people with whom I work consent (consent is a requirement) to treatment before we give it to them. It's always a choice they've made - not a coercion, not peer-pressure, not a decision made by someone else - it's a personal choice. And it's usually desperation for something, anything, different that drives them to make the change.

I do hear horrible stories... the worst, most unbelievable ones imaginable. And in that same way, the gratification of successful treatment is considerable more magnified because of the choices made... the healthy choices that benefit them are tangible and marked.

It's an effort to not get choked up on the last day of treatment, typically because the ones who stick it out and stay sober and stay well are emotionally, mentally, AND physically transformed from the day they first walked in the door (on some occasions, COMPLETELY unrecognizeable as the person who walked into our door several months earlier) . I am so proud of them for their successes. It's not changing the world. It is working on one person's world, though.... and THEY do all the work. I'm just a witness to the transformation, and it's immeasurably gratifying.

LAURYN: The reason you do what you do, I am most certain.

I, as with Melissa, signed off on my last comment with "you don't have to post this" So...it's kind of funny...that lauren posted it . I think my point was...and is...you CAN choose, even when you are in the middle of distress...to try to be happy...Haven't you seen the diasabled people who have lost their legs and they are running marathons? Or an armless person painting pictures with their teeth? Here's ANOTHER personal testiment...My sister has had MS for almost 20 years...she is crippled...we joke about it...okay...she drives a red convertible t-bird which is a b*tch to get in and out of with two canes or her walker or Hover round....she'd be better in a Honda pilot...but as she says...She "wouldn't look as cute as she does in the t-bird". It brings her joy to tool around in her red t-bird. She acheives so much more than most non-cripples I know...how? Attitude!! She is a fountain...not a drain. She could easily sit around and collect a paltry SS check...have free health care, have some one bathe her...but NO...she knows if she stops moving...she will die. On top of everything, she is hilarious and very smart....yet it will take her ten minutes to "walk" or "glide" to the bathroom. Her right side is all but useless (and she is right handed)...but she is usually the life of the party, is a successful business person and holds an elected city office. I think the secret is that we rely on God. Here's my last statement for this particular blog....when I am overwhelmed, when life seems too hard, IF I were being stabbed in the eyes...I would say this: GOD BE WITH ME....and HE is and no one can hurt me forever. Believing there is a higher power than myself (isn't that part of the twelve step program?) brings me through so much whether giving a speech or holding my temper or being in an untenable situation. Amen.

LAURYN: WELL SAID!!!!!!!! I will be "editting" portions of your initial response. I have teetered on this-- I do not like to "alter" or "censor" any responses, but in this one case, I think it is appropriate. Your sister, my aunt, has definitely made lemonade with the lemons she was dealt. She is certainly a prime example.