Super-Gluing the Pieces.
I am super-gluing the pieces. Difficult but necessary. Leaving, or being left by, someone is more than disconnect. It’s removing pictures from frames, removing pictures from the refrigerator, removing photos from the wall by your desk. It’s hard to determine which is worse, seeing the former us staring back when we were “happy,” or the now empty holes begging for new memories that don’t exist yet.
The radio is a mutherfucker. Last Saturday, in efforts to live outside of my head while keeping busy, I went to get a manicure. I sat there quietly listening to the “love” station on satellite radio, each song a four minute ode to hurt, not love. “Love Takes Time,” by Mariah Carey, “How am I Supposed to Live Without You,” by Michael Bolton, and “Can’t Stay Away from You,” by Gloria Estefan played back to back. This last week has left me mostly driving in silence, but one evening I asked for a radio sign. The song that played next was “Hold Your Head High.” Wednesday evening I watched Entourage, one of my favorite shows, and the closing song was Marvin Gaye’s “Piece of Clay.” I don’t know why, but this song has affected me the most. I forgot how much I love that song.
I’ve forgotten a lot in the last fifteen months, longer really. I’ve neglected my own advice and allowed mediocre to be enough. Months ago, my best friend Wes said, “It’s like he’s been given a brand new Bentley that only needs tires. You’re the Bentley and he isn’t willing to put forth the effort for tires.” When I repeated this analogy, which I probably should’ve kept to myself, he retorted with (after snickering,) “If you’re a Bentley, I’m the Batmobile. <Pause> I mean, you’re not high maintenance and Bentley’s are high maintenance. You’re more like a 350 Z.” Thanks. He went out of his way to say mean things, things he knew would hurt me, with the sole intent to hurt me. To quote Winona Ryder in Reality Bites, “That ain’t love much.” I’ve got to believe I’m worth loving. At the very least, I am worth tires.
I’ve been chasing a rainbow.
I’ve been hunting a unicorn.
I’ve been avoiding the literal writing on the wall. When the “unicorn” encouraged me to date others, I dated a kind man, Ben. My heart was elsewhere (Ben was gracious, understanding) and I severed ties as a result. Months later, Ben and I were able to be friendly. While at a local piano bar he wrote “Lauryn chose wrong” on the mirror. Later he said, “The man isn’t nice to you. He doesn’t appreciate you. He makes you sad. You deserve better and better is out there.” I just want a little peace in my head, peace in my heart. Each day, I’m granted a bit more. Maybe by clearing out the clutter, I’ve made room for the peace.
I considered blogging about the actual events versus how they’ve changed me, but I’d rather make a “hole” on the wall rather than framing the photo.
Years ago, my mother shared a sentiment she had shared with a man she loved. She said, “I’ve give you all 52 cards in my deck. You’ve given only 51—almost enough, but not enough to play the game.” She received 49 more than I received. See, he didn’t give me 51, he gave me two, only two… and he can have those jokers back. So much hurt morphed into anger and finally, the anger is morphing into indifference. Know when to try harder and when to walk away. I’m uncertain who coined this phrase, but it’s good advice. And...
...I’m walking.
Comments
Very well written.
...And you are very much so worth every card in the deck. If he's not willing to give you all 52, then, without a doubt, keep walking.
The peace will come, probably sooner than you can even imagine. And once that peace comes, you'll find better, more meaningful memories that will make you forget you ever had any holes.
Posted by: Shay | September 18, 2009 08:27 PM
Your friends love, love, love you baby...and we're armed with super-glue!
Posted by: Angel | September 19, 2009 12:56 AM
"Know when to try harder and when to walk away. I'm uncertain who coined this phrase, but it's good advice."
Isn't that The Gambler?
Glad you're coming back to the surface. Of all the weird advice my mom gave me, and there was tons of it, I think the best was that it's not real love if the person doesn't love you back. She told me that when I was little, before I even understood it, but it somehow stuck.
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September 19, 2009 03:23 AM
I noticed you deleted my comment on facebook and didn't post mine on here. Hmm. Okay. I'm assuming you have a reason. Hope you will enlighten me one of these days. I hope you're having a great weekend. We missed you tonight at Jessica's.
LAURYN: Didn't delete your facebook comment. Probably hidden because of the others.
Posted by: Kate | September 20, 2009 12:39 AM
I would say that this was a lesson in life and love. The nice thing about love is...that everyone wins and everyone becomes better becasue they are loved. This guy isn't even big enough to be a friend...and friendship in love is a basic fundamental ingredient. Heed this: If someone you think you love can't provide kind friendship, loyalty and presence...than they not only don't love you, they aren't worth spending any thought on. Think about that!!
Posted by: Dr. Loveology | September 20, 2009 02:18 PM
Ohhh, I feel so behind, and am quickly catching up.
You're heartbroken. And you still feel. Lauryn, as hard as heartbreak can be... it's still a blessing and affirmation because you FEEL. And it means you're still capable of love.
Can you imagine how awful it would be to be cold and unfeeling? I don't think I could ever live like that. I don't imagine you'd ever want that for yourself either.
When you're ready to love again (and you will), and the right guy comes along, you'll have so much to offer him.
Take hope in that.
(imaginary hugs, friend)
Posted by: heidi ho | September 21, 2009 10:10 AM
There was only 2 comments on FB so it couldn't be hidden, but maybe there was a malfunction or something. I'm sorry you are having to go through this. You know my heart breaks for you. I envy you that you can take such a difficult experience and express it in such a beautiful way. You're very talented- in many ways. Soon enough you will find someone who realizes that and cherishes it and celebrates every moment with you. I'm here if you ever need me.
Posted by: Kate | September 21, 2009 10:13 PM
Facebook's been acting up quite a bit lately, Kate - I posted a happy birthday comment on a friend's page the other day and it confirmed that I posted it... and it was not there.
Plus, in case you haven't noticed, it'll take you back to the home page when you "like" something rather than taking you back to the post you "liked."
Plus, I had a friend post the other day that she'd posted a comment about her friend's burnt eggplant - "Gross" and it ended up on another person's picture of their mutual friend showing off a tattoo work... called it "worst screw up ever."
I would agree. That was a pretty bad screw up on FB's part. These things tend to happen when they make large changes to their format, which they have been in case you haven't noticed... that's what happened on myspace, too.
LAURYN: AND, the damn comment is there. Never wasn't there. Annoying...
Posted by: heidi | September 23, 2009 09:47 AM
Sorry you're having to go through this. Hang in there.
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September 23, 2009 09:24 PM
How fitting since the batmobile is fictional, destructive and wouldn't work in reality. ;)
LAURYN: I planned to withhold comments on this blog- but, have to comment here-- wow. And touche.
Posted by: Kat | October 4, 2009 03:49 PM