Punch Out
Today, while visiting with Wes on my lunch break, I solicited his opinion of what my next blog topic should surround. I tossed out an array of scenario’s from my past while he quickly nodded in disagreement. He said, “These past events don’t really define who you are right now. You’re happy. Do you realize we’ve discussed nothing significant in the time you’ve been here? I think you should write of finding yourself happy.” And so, here I sit typing, taking his advice yet again.
In the last several days, I’ve found myself submerged in a calm I can’t explain despite my request for it in prayer. At the end of the day, I walk outside and there is still a sliver of light, the weather is perfect. I look forward to my evening walk with my dog. My shoulders and back feel as though they belong to a 29 year old rather than a 92 year old. I sit quietly on my porch, either alone or with an old friend, drinking cheap boxed wine. My roommates, Kelly and Audrey, join too. It’s nice to catch up with them. They both make me laugh. All of my bills are paid and my house is clean. My friend Mike meets me for cheese fries and a beer. He never goes out during the week, but I don’t have to coerce him. When asking if he’d join me, he responds quickly with “sure.” I enjoy his company. He and I formed a friendship after his friend broke my heart (years ago.) We laugh a bit, recalling the oddity of our friendship. He is the silver lining to that particular heartache. He reminds me, sometimes good can spawn from the bad. He may even take ballroom dance lessons with me. I am the hands down worst dancer in America, but I look forward to getting it wrong. I’m too afraid to jump out of a plane, but it's time I shake my fear of the Tango. And since it takes two…
I’ve leaned on my mother a ton. It’s the first time I’ve fully been vulnerable with her over a boy. It’s also the first time she’s greeted me with ears. She saves her clichés and offers what I really need, quiet. In ‘turn, I’ve opened myself up to her advice. Her wisdom has steered me right. Years ago, she did mention the following analogy originally coined by my cousin Aaron: “If you’re in a plane and it’s going down, punch out. Your parachute works. Employ it. If you don’t, you’re gonna die. The plane is going down, PUNCH OUT!” My family often speak using analogies if you haven’t noticed, but this is a good one to apply in any area of your life. If your love/work/friendship plane is afire and spiraling towards the ground, chose door #2. Select safety/happiness.
He is no longer my first thought when I awake. Sometimes, he does not even cross my mind until very late in the day. I revel in this break though. I deleted him as a Facebook friend because he hasn’t been a real life friend. It’s hard but I know it is best for me. Still, I’ll admit it; I wonder if he thinks of me. I wonder if he has regrets, if he’d take back some of his words…but it doesn’t consume me. We fill in the blanks, the time formerly spent together. The unfortunate thing about breakups, whatever the cause, is sometimes you lose a good friend too. It’s hard to shut it all off at once. It’s like going from 100mph to 0mph in one second. There is bound to be some pain. It usually hurts more the next day, but after time sets in, the pain dulls and eventually, the pain vanishes.
Happy I kept my words sweet even when I could’ve spit daggers. When sweet words were impossible, I chose silence. I’ve gained strength and integrity from keeping my mouth shut. My impulses challenged me and I beat them. Trust me, I wanted to “tag” every single picture of him with “douche bag.” In 15 months, you accumulate a ton of pictures so there would be a lot of tagging. I figured, his picture would pop up every time the word “douche bag” was googled. Ha. Then I realized, I loved, love this man, so instead I “untagged” every single picture. Since it’s out of my hands, I want him out of my head. Out of sight. Out of mind.
Sometimes, happiness is mistaken for boredom. I’ve been standing right smack in the middle of the bright side, confused by this foreign emotion. Happiness replaces the longing, the inspiration (sadness often fuels my writing,) the hollow. I’ve been reluctant to stand on the sunny side, apprehensive of the shadows around the corner. Taking time to recognize the delight. Finally October, my favorite month. And thank God… ‘cause September felt like a really long year.
Comments
Well as the saying goes..."Time heals all wounds". Some wounds just take longer to heal. There is a guy that I dated 3 - 4 years ago that I still think about at the most random times. He's a runner so I see him every once and awhile at some races and for 1/2 a second I think "what if". Luckily that thought passes fairly quickly, NOW. He was my inspiration to begin running. So for that I thank him. For everything else I curse him (lol). He has made it virtually impossible for me to let anyone else in. That isn't to say I haven't dated other guys but it's one thing to date someone and another to "feel" with so much, if any, intensity. I have faith that it will happen again and wouldn't trade the experience, with this particular guy, for anything in the world. "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all", right? That's what I keep telling myself anyway. Keep that chin up camper, he will become a fading memory. His loss! You are an incredible, beautiful person. *hugs*
Posted by: Stephani Franklin | October 1, 2009 07:28 PM
out of sight, out of mind...
time takes time...
you're the one that told me this months ago. it helped. a lot. im glad you're doing okay.
Posted by: LearningLessons | October 1, 2009 07:42 PM
Perfect!
Posted by: Kate | October 1, 2009 10:09 PM
Great blog, and so true. Thanks for reminding me and all of us out there. No man or woman should define our happiness and I fall on that way too often, but no more.
Posted by: alli | October 2, 2009 02:06 PM
Breakups suck, trust me, I know...but sometimes I think it's that feeling of rejection that weighs on me more than the actual dude, ya know? I'm very proud of you though, you've stayed strong and I believe you are truely beginning to move on! Hey, maybe the grass is greener, just sayin! :) xoxo
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October 2, 2009 02:12 PM
The calm after the storm is a beautiful thing to know. At the risk of sounding like a PSA, go to HarvestFest at Wildwood. October 24 -25, 2009 10:00 AM - 06:00 PM .
At this time last year, I had hit the lowest of lows after a death affected me so profoundly, among other bits of hard news. And I almost opted out of volunteering that day because I was still vulnerable to my grief. I'm glad I didn't.
Between the lilting sounds of fiddles and harmonies rising over the arbor and beckoning me back to towards the festivities, the spectrum of fall leaves, pumpkins and chrysanthemums everywhere, and the perfect weather, it was exactly what I needed for my soul to find a bit of release, contentment, and the peace I needed at that moment in my life. And everyone seemed to allow me a bit of privacy as I experienced my magical, transformative moment. I really appreciated that.
If I'm not out of town that weekend, I plan to go.
Posted by: Heidi Ho | October 2, 2009 02:34 PM
Glad you PUNCHED OUT...now you can own yourself instead of someone else owning you. Ultimately, it's up to us to be happy....and sometimes you 've got to get your house in order, including eradicating rats aka "drag me downs". AHHHH and a big sigh of relief and a deep inhale of fresh air.
Posted by: Momster | October 4, 2009 02:11 PM