A Damsel in Distress

This is for us women only. You guys, pop another Milwaukee’s Light, clip your toenails, scratch yourselves, belch, fart, rerun the Oklahoma / Texas game and play like you don’t know who wins.

Because this is the first of rare but promised “Fashion Forward Forecasts.”

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It WOULD involve Sarah Palin. Who becomes increasing annoying on SO many levels with her ever-expanding media exposure.

She should never have exposed THIS.

Tinker Bell meets Trollop.

We must first point out that NONE of the children behind Sarah are hers. (What else is new?)

Still, this glittery red-carpet number at a recent McCain-Palin rally derails so tragically.

I appreciate her handlers reimaging Sarah’s brand for the Inauguration Ball. But there are makeovers and there is train wreck sabotage.

Shall we begin with Sarah’s wig or the shoes?

Fine. Dynel is for 12” plastic dolls named Barbie. That thing on Sarah's head is not extensions. It’s a limp doormat Tyra Banks dry-cleaned and threw out in 2007 to eliminate evidence in her arrest.

The shoulders on Sarah’s dress begin nicely. Sewn by loving hands at home for little Janie’s first stage appearance as a fairy princess in the Grant Grade School Christmas production of “The Nutcracker.” Or Julia Roberts as Tink in “Hook.” But moving south we enter Beadland. Floor-length (more appropriate for Inaugural Balls), this might have worked. In a mid-thigh beaded mini on a middle aged former beauty pageant runner-up it revisits aisle 18 at Hobby Lobby.

Plus when you don’t really have a waistline, how RUDE to call it to our attention.

Then we hit Sarah’s fabulous legs. And they ARE fabulous! (Though her stance is a tad wide for a VEEP, if not the Senate.)

Unhappily, those legs transport us down to those shoes. Correct size, they’d at least compliment the I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M A RITZ-CARLTON HOOKER WHO’S AMERICA’S VICE-PRESIDENT look. But her handlers dictated her shoes be three sizes too large so her feet look smaller.

My favorite fashion touch here? The Prada “Hanging Chad” clutch.

Every cloud has its silver lining.