A Damsel in Distress

Jeez.

Four days in the Bahamas for pre-summer reparative bikini tan-line therapy, hunky dark-skinned steel-drums and umbrella cocktails . . . with my few friends who still HAVE places in the Bahamas . . . ONE blog post last Tuesday . . . and I come home to THIS!

Belligerence on the BLOG! “Return of the Trolls!” (Same old cast, new User IDs!)

Lurves it! Hates it! Conflicted! Distressed!

Wh-a-a-a? Public information’s not public in Arkansas any longer? Death threats against newspapers linking to public LEA databases succeed in shutting down FOIA?

More UCA BS?

I miss the beach already. (Though I’m brown as a coconut and could pass for Halle Berry in a bikini from fifty paces if you squint.)

Dillard’s needs new buyers to move more high-end shit? I LOVE the Dillards. Amanda’s always been a favorite. But does ANYBODY still shop at Dillards anymore?

The economy keeps tanking? Same-sex equality appears flushed away in California (don’t bet on it)?

Anglo-Saxon language explodes on the Blog? (The one bright spot of my return home!)

Multi-lingual myself, I find Anglo-Saxon perhaps the most subtle and versatile of Romance Languages. Lustfully urgent one minute (“Fuck me . . . “), vicious and threatening the next (“Fuck you!”).

If only our children were taught a thorough grasp of Anglo-Saxon.

An intellectually discerning language, Anglo-Saxon registers the highest frontal cortex and amygdala arousal of all languages. One must stay sharp to ascertain, “Does he / she want to DO ME . . . or DO ME IN?”

So I’m elated, after being babied in the Bahamas, to return all bronzed to The Rock to find issues, tensions, trolls and dissension percolating on the Blog and in Arkansas!

I’m feeling all Rodney King.

“Can we all get along?”

‘Member Rodney? Beaten within an inch of his life by the L.A.P.D. in 1991? Awarded $3.8 million and the cops were acquitted, triggering the L.A. Riots resulting in 53 deaths, 2,383 injuries, more than 7,000 fires, damages to 3,100 businesses, and nearly $1 billion in financial losses?

‘Cause Rodney was drunk and driving over 100mph to avoid another DUI stop because he was already on probation from a previous robbery conviction?

“Can we all get along?”

Then Rodney was later arrested for trying to run down a vice officer who found him with a Hollywood transvestite prostie; then he drunkenly crashed into a block wall in downtown Los Angeles; then he was arrested for hitting his wife with his car and sentenced to 90 days for hit and run; then he was arrested again a few years ago for speeding and running a red light while under the influence of alcohol, failing to yield to officers and slamming his SUV into a house, breaking his pelvis.

Turns out Rodney King and “Can we all get along?” is another Hallmark Card urban myth. We’re hoping Rod’s spent some of his $3.8 mil to enter “Promises” in Malibu for serious re-hab on his Old Milwaukee and bumpa-car issues.

So I guess I’m NOT feeling all Rodney King about the A-T blog after all, though I’m all excited and stuff about the annual Spring Troll Migration, the ever-intricate subtleties of Anglo-Saxon per George Carlin, the death threats and increasing vituperative ad-hominem attacks . . . .

Trust Norma, Razorbabies. The Arkansas Times IS the Voice of Arkansas!

Still, and I ask you from the bottom of my heart in the nicest way, “Can we all get along?”

The answer, of course:

“Fuck, no.”