A Damsel in Distress: September 2009 Archives

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Monday, September 28, 2009 - 11:17:14

MADONNA TO MARRY JESUS? . . .

It’s not what I thought either, thank god. Because THAT would’ve twisted human religious history into a Kabbalah-Catholic Mobius Strip bigger than “The DaVinci Code!”

But no. It’s just another 51-year-old cougar rock star retaining fabulous trainers, nutritionists and surgeons to help her snag . . . well . . . Baby Jesus half her age.

Can you BLAME her?

We’re talking Jesus Luz here. The male model. NOT the Son of God.

STOP! Razorbabies. It’s working for Demi and Ashton . . . and HER trainers, nutritionists and surgeons.

Love finds a way.

Nobody ever said Jesus came cheap.

Of course, Demi's career's sorta petered out (you should forgive the expression) since Ashton so we wish Madonna and Jesus all the best.

Posted by Norma Bates at 11:17 AM | Permalink | Comments [1]

Friday, September 25, 2009 - 13:26:55

GROOMING IS NEXT TO GODLINESS

Durango, Durango. Yours is not the first request I’ve received, as an internationally renowned stylist, to suggest makeover tips for Senator Blanche Lincoln.

(I’ve been contacted officially AND privately by staff – Elizabeth, Katie, Brandon, Stan and Meg – and family and friends. At this moment, they’re trying to work out how to bury my fee in “highway improvements” for Phillips County or something.)

My heart has always gone out to Blinc, as intimates know her, because it’s all so simple! Yes, first impressions are important. Public appearances are crucial to politicians. But it’s basically a two-pronged approach, and I mean “prong” in a nice way.

Grooming and wardrobe. That’s it.

Blinc’s wardrobe is fine for an Arkansas politician. Clean, tailored, self-effacing, dull. Yes, she looks better in pastels than in primaries, and washes out in blacks and browns, which she should eschew. But her wardrobe is “timeless” (meaning she could’ve bought it at Penney’s 20 years ago or yesterday at Target). Safe.

No, Blinc, your Image Impasse is Grooming. Hair and makeup, specifically.

RULE #1: NEVER leave home for ANYWHERE looking like THIS.

Elections and re-elections are all about appearances, Blinc, and you are NOT third seed at the Dinah Shore Palm Springs Golf Classic nor Billie Jean King’s new BFF at the Los Angeles Women’s Tennis Tournament, if you’re keeping up with me here.

You’ve beautiful classic bone-structure that could benefit from a simple 5-minute “softening” makeup regimen from your Mary Kay rep (imagine the rural appeal of THAT!) and a lighter more feminine coif.

Yes, the hair’s more feathery yet not so au courant you’re suspected of thinking you’re BETTER than we. It too is “timeless” since it was new 30 years ago and is still fashionably southern in the circles you run in.

It’s only a beginning, Blinc. And I know you hate makeup and beauty salons.

So let me put it this way: Five minutes a day “The Mary Kay Way” and something other than a Cleveland Browns practice-helmet for a “hairstyle,” your con$tituent$ will keep you in office in perpetuity.

You're welcome.

P.S. Your political integrity is entirely up to you.

Posted by Norma Bates at 01:26 PM | Permalink | Comments [2]

Thursday, September 24, 2009 - 12:26:54

HOMOSEXUALS = SOCIALISTS!

It seems every time I turn around there are all these socialist homosexuals!

I thought they were supposed to be just 5% of the country!

I can’t THINK about anything other than full flaming socialist same-sex equality and marriage! Global warming? Health insurance reform? The economy? Phony wars? Not when there’s a socialist gay takeover!

Thank god Rep. Steve King (R-IA, the Corn Cob State: not to suggest early molestation by a rural man of the cloth) finally confronted the elephant in the living room!

“Not only is it [homosexual equality] a radical social idea, it is a purely socialist concept in the final analysis,” claims King.

It’s all so frighteningly OBVIOUS when you look back on history and the evolution of same-sex socialism, Razorbabies! Use your gaydar!

I happen to be in Manhattan at the moment and today a dear friend at lunch referred with impeccable logic to the GOP as the “Gay-O’-Phobe party.”

HERE’S the brief yet FULL analysis of Rep. King’s position.

Posted by Norma Bates at 12:26 PM | Permalink | Comments [2]

Sunday, September 20, 2009 - 04:31:34

OUT OF THE WOODWORK . . .

My god! WEEKS ago, when I first began sharing this drivel here for my dedicated Razorbabies, I thought, "This damsel’s diatribes of distress will be infrequent." But no, dammit.

Every week, every day, every time you turn around it seems: nasty right-wing “values” politicians crawl out of the woodwork for 15 minutes of fame.

It’s like watching “District 9” every day all day, only you’re not sure whether Americans identify with the humans or the aliens anymore!

The Republican Party has become unrecognizable. And it’s a shame, really, if you saw Sam Tanenhaus speak on his book, “The Death of Conservatism” (2009) and take questions, at the Clinton Center’s Sturgis Hall last Thursday over lunch (but you didn’t so I did FOR you. Just the way I am. A vintage Pucci print, Manahlo Blahnik pumps and a six-inch Subway tuna combo. Thank you for asking.)

Sam reminded us what Conservatism USED to mean in America. And how it’s been seized by the religious right (whose perspective Sam ALSO understands and respects, which pissed me off because he made me think) and what that portends. But Sam’s Jewish and editor of the New York Times Review of Books and a Yankee, so, you know: see ya, Sam. Hope you enjoyed the River Market.

But Sam was SO right!

It’s All Values (code for fundamentalist Christian), All Anti-Women, All Anti-Same-Sex-Equality, All Racist, All Theocracy, Razorbabies, All The Time!

Like Islam and the Middle East! Land of Milk and Honey and Islamic Suicide Bombers. Coming soon to your Multiplex!

Just in the last few days we’ve had the spokesman for the Family Policy Center in Iowa (video below) declare that only fertile heterosexual couples should consider marriage (elderly, gay, infertile – why would you even BOTHER getting married?); Carrie Prejean, failed beauty bimbo pimping her Miss-USA-pageant-sponsored $10K tit-implants for Christ and speaking for God (who TOLD her she was chosen to stand up for her right to deny other people their rights); and ever-plumper Mike Huckabee who, though clearly losing his Battle of the Bulge, won a straw poll at the Family Research Council’s “Values Voter Summit.”

All Values (fundamentalist Christian), All Anti-Women, All Anti-Same-Sex-Equality, All Racist, All Talking, All Singing, All Dancing, All Scamming, All Theocracy, Razorbabies! Like Islam and the Middle East! All The Time!

All anti-health-insurance reform. All, “I want my country back!”

All That!

Let's see. Fat, ill-educated, isolationist, ignorant, misogynist, homophobic, racist, anti-science, war-mongering, ARMED, religious fundamentalist theocrats.

THAT'S conservatives and today's Republican Party? Exploiting the WORST elements in America's peoples? Yep.

I swear, Razorbabies, it’s enough to make one want to seek natural herbs for relief from Life’s sometimes o’erwhelming existential stress.

So I bonged a banana and here’s IFPC spokesman John Stewart slipping it in there about why would you want to get married if you can’t make babies for “the cause” (namely Christian Soldiers onward Goose-Stepping through Gethsemane)?

White babies. Fundamentalist Christian babies. The only REAL Americans.

Posted by Norma Bates at 04:31 AM | Permalink | Comments [2]

Saturday, September 19, 2009 - 17:51:15

. . . MARCHING AS TO WAR . . .

A straw vote held Saturday at the annual Values Voter Summit in Washington suggests former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee is a favorite among religious conservatives to be president in 2012.