The legend of Billy Mays
Over the years, I have grown fascinated - the way you do when an obnxious neighbor moves into town - by the TV pitchman known as “Billy Mays” - whose real name is McKees Rocks. He comes across like one of those frantic car salesmen that you see on late-night TV, or, if you will, a somewhat more successful Johnny Ross.
The worst insult I can find online is comparing Mays to the infernal Ron Popeil - which is pretty deadly, when you think about it.
I’ve been thinking though, which is a bad dangerous thing to do when you are watching this sort of nonsense. But I sort of think that they should spice up the commercials - add to the mystery of Billy, so to speak.
I’d put a wedding ring on him - what, the Shouting Man has a wife? Maybe a dog, or a couple of kids in the background. I’d have him drop hints about things in his life:
“I had to use this cleaner when our house caught fire - but that’s a story for another time, folks!”
Otherwise, Vince “Shamwow” Offer is gonna overtake this guy.
Of late, he has been appearing in ads for ESPN, in what appear to be parodies of his ads. More than a few people have told me that they are impressed that he is able to laugh at himself. It seems almost cruel to tell them that he is working from a script - that he is making fun of himself because:
a) he is an actor and he is under contract to do so
b) people known as writers are putting the words in his mouth - just as they are doing for the commercials.
To read more about the mysterious Billy Mays:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Billy_Mays
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And then along came Vince . . .
Turns out the Shamwow guy is a comedian - of sorts - who also likes to sue people.
He starred in and produced a film, Underground Comedy Movie, to horrific reviews. To quote Lawrence Van Gelder of the New York Times, the movie was:
“ . . .a series of sketches built around subjects like masturbation, defecation, alienation, urination, necrophilia, voyeurism, casual brutality and mockery of the unfortunate."
But that didn’t stop him! Now he has captured the heats of America - but only for another 20 minutes, cuz you know we can’t do this all day . . .
To read more about the Shamwow Dude:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vince_Offer
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Quote of the Day - they can put this one on my tombstone
Well, I have found life an enjoyable, enchanting, active, and sometimes a terrifying experience, and I've enjoyed it completely. A lament in one ear, maybe, but always a song in the other. And to me life is simply an invitation to live. - Sean O' Casey
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I'm going humanoid over you . . .
There was a time when you could do get away with almost anything on children's television. Nowadays, of course, most of it seems to be bland fare - or at least it appears that way to these jaded eyes.
A few decades ago, Saturday morning television was a little more interesting to watch. Admittedly, most of the offerings were probably as lame as today, but every so often something intriguing would come along.
In 1974, CBS came out with the disastrous live-action "Planet of the Apes," a series which should have been great, but which was mishandled badly. What might have been a series every bit as good as the film series - somewhere out there is the lost pilot episode written by Rod Serling (deep sigh) - but was hampered by being put in the so-called "Family Hour," which was the kiss of death for any adventure series.
It lasted just a scant few months. That seemed to be it for the Apes franchise. But wait, what's this?
It's September 1975, and NBC decides to see if there is life in the old girl yet. It was some trepidation that I turned on my black and white portable that morning, and was favorably impressed.
The opening shots featured a desolate landscape featuring crucified (yes!) upside down apes, eerie misc, lightning flashes, humans pursued by apes. Yes, this was more like it.
All right, the animation was lousy. This was the period when Filmation was leading the pack on Saturday morning with their versions of "Star Trek" and "Tarzan," and a host of imitators where not far behind.
On the back on the DVD a lot is made of the fact that the series was brought to us by the creators of the Oscar-winning 1964 "Pink Panther" cartoon, but it's sadly apparent that they were not the animators.
Still, close one eye and tell yourself it's science fiction; it's bad for a reason. No, it doesn't work. Still, it is sort of arty, and in a weird sort of way it fits the storyline.
The storyline? Well, there's these three American astronauts, see, and somehow, they end up in the future - our future - and it's dominated by apes! They find out in episode three, but we know before they crash, because we see the Earth as their little spaceship - which looks like an old Gemini capsule - enters the atmosphere.
There might have been some kids out there somewhere who didn't know that the Planet of the Apes was Earth; why not let them find out along with the astronauts?
The animated series owes a great deal more to the films and novel by French novelist Pierre Boulle than to the CBS series. In fact, it is actually quite a bit more exciting than the CBS attempt.
One particular deviation from the films is the fact that these apes have mastered a certain degree of technology. They drive cars, and have radio and television.
Great care was taken with the characterizations. Though a Saturday morning series, these characters all stand out as individuals, human and ape alike.
Several characters are borrowed from the films - Zira, Cornelius, Zaius, Nova, and Urko from the TV series - and are used yo great advantage. Also used well are the Underdwellers, the deadly inhabitants of buried New York City.
In the NBC series our trio of astronauts are essentially guerilla fighters, helping the humans survive, and trying to evade capture by the apes. But like the CBS series, no conclusion was ever reached. For all we know, they are still out there, somewhere.
There is a lot of unexpected humor, too. At one point two of the astronauts need to get back into Ape City (Ape City: how narcissistic is that?) And jump into the back of a pickup truck driven by an old ape farmer. On the radio is a love song with the title, "I'm going Humanoid over you."
How could you not love this show?
One fun question - while astronauts from the films and the previous series wore animal skins, these astronauts wore T-shirts, pants and boots. Surely that should have been a dead giveaway to any apes who came in contact with them?
No, not a bit. So even though we ultimately don't know what happened to our stalwart heroes, I am heartened by Charlton Heston's line from "Planet of the Apes":
"If this is the best this planet has to offer, in six months we'll be running the place."
Along with the series came a series of paperback novels by William Arrow, which novelized the episodes. The books were considerably more violent and adult oriented than the animated series.
A problem with the packaging of the DVD: the air dates are wrong on the back of the box, which can be kind of frustrating. What happened to quality control?
Trivia note: Austin Stoker, who supplied the voice of astronaut Jeff Allen, had also played MacDonald in "Battle for the Planet of the Apes."
