BITE ME . . . | A Damsel in Distress

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

BITE ME . . .

Posted By on Wed, Jun 3, 2009 at 9:00 PM


 

Don’t think I’m not happy to be back in The Rock from Cannes because I am.

 

Here’s my problem.

 

The fucking gnats and mosquitoes. The paparazzi on the red carpet are NOTHING compared to these teeming teensy blood-suckers.

 

What to do! How to protect myself!

 

Who better, Norma, I said to myself, than the always-loving Arkansas Blog community – my Razorbabies!

 

Here’s why your help is essential.

 

Last week I took Monique, my 3-year old Lhasa, down to the Murray Park Dog Run early one morning.

 

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I like to get Monique out of sheltered Chenal and expose her to canines of all classes. It’s so broadening – for both of us, actually -- to realize she couldn’t care less about pedigrees here in The Rock’s canine circles.

 

Anyhoo, I’m down there in Murray Park, which is a river on one side and a brackish swamp on the other, the PERFECT breeding-ground for gnats and mosquitoes – with Monique and all her happy rompy canine compatriots who adore her as much as I do except for this one bi-polar unmedicated yappy Yorkie named Dagon (I am not making this up) whom I’m afraid might rape Monique behind the water tubs while I’m not looking and I wind up with a litter of cute but incessantly annoying bi-polar Diva Terriers barking 24 / 7 in my garage all because Dagon thinks that nailing Monique's gonna move him up in the world from his Hillcrest garage apartment to my place in Chenal – fighting off these fucking gnats and mosquitoes.

 

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Which is where YOU come in.

 

A caring pal at the dog run sprayed me with Off. I’m serious. You couldn’t see in front of you, they were swarming so. I mean, Murray Park is a former SWAMP, Razorbabies.

 

Gnats and mosquitoes apparently THRIVE on Off because I’m sitting here scratching connect-the-dots between scabs on my arms. SO not my image.

 

“Vanilla extract,” somebody said is a good repellant.

 

“Avon’s ‘Skin So Soft!’ ” somebody else swore by.

 

“ ‘Bounce’ tissues. Every golfer knows that,” claimed another.

 

So, really, I’d like to continue rounding out Monique’s Life Journey by exposing her to mongrels but PLEASE help me conquer these fucking mosquitoes.

 

Grateful in advance –

 

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