NORMA PREDICTS! | A Damsel in Distress

Saturday, December 27, 2008

NORMA PREDICTS!

Posted By on Sat, Dec 27, 2008 at 5:58 AM


 

Sylvia Browne has NOTHING on me!

 

Nor Judy Heavenly, the “Blue Dot” floozie in the National Enquirer.

 

Charlatans!


Try my Razorback “Red Dot” instead.

 

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Years ago I was led, as if by Guardian Angel, to an M-G-M auction where I outbid Debbie Reynolds (an old movie musical star) on a miraculous crystal ball. It has never failed me.

 

This is the same authentic crystal used by the priests of Isis and Osiris in the days of the Pharaohs of Egypt, in which Cleopatra first saw the approach of Julius Caesar and Mark Antony, and so on and so on.

 

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Quietly contemplating now in the “Celestine Cove” of my Chenal home (actually my converted storm cellar, hung with lots of Fortuny draperies and black-light icons) . . . wearing the tuban which concentrates my brain-waves . . . gazing into my crystal . . . here’s what I see in store for YOU and the world in 2009.

 

 

NORMA’S TOP-ELEVEN 2009 FORECASTS!

 

 

Arkansas Blog will STILL not be moderated! Trolls will, instead, be “Brantleyed” with an X-Box-like device originally developed by the University of Arkansas Division of Agriculture to eliminate aphids, modified by A-T Blog programmers and hackers.

 

A-T wins $4 million grant for unique troll-control algorhythms applicable to blogs worldwide.

 

Max and Ellen retire to luxury Arizona compound adjacent to John and Cindy, who initially shun Brantleys yet end up double-dating with them to "Classix Cult Films" nights at local drive-in, become BFF by August.


Elizabeth Taylor will not die! Tempestuous Star of All Time will again refuse, gleefully, to pass away.

 

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Mike Huckabee’s FOX TV show dropped! Huckster’s incipient TV career tanks in ratings, segues into new bestselling Huckabee cookbook. “Lambs to the Slaughter: 365 Christian Hibachi Veal Recipes.

 

  • National paparazzi obsessively follow Huck family’s increasing girth and tonnage during 2009 despite vertically-striped tops and dark bottoms.

 

  • Mike books series of religious “Evening With’s – ” on nationwide obese megachurch circuit.

 

  • First Booking? Rick Warren’s Saddleback church in California. Awkward initial welcoming embrace takes two full minutes. Later shows up on YouTube superimposed over National Geographic video of two whales copulating off Cape Horn.

 

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Fat, jolly, confident? Or skinny, wary and hinky?

Huck’s political career jumps shark, bottoms out.

 

Huckster rejoins traveling vaudeville Baptist Ministry, only to be defrocked by scandal in November.

 

Michael Jackson WON’T cut long-playing deal in Las Vegas! No, like father Joe, compulsive Michael will belt-whip daughter Paris, sons Prince and Blanket, into retro-disco trio called The Jackson Three.

 

They will perform only two nights over Kwanzaa 2009 at Bellagio in Vegas. Michael himself (premiering new shorter wig) joins tots onstage for scripted “spontaneous” encore of, “I’ve Written a Letter to Daddy.”

 

Kids back in school next day.

 

Michael back in NeverKingOfPopAgainLand next day.

 

Crystal Ball subtly highlights one word: “Over.”

 

World hopes Michael’s kids have enough $ to, you know, go to school and stuff.

 

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Proposition 8 overturned by California Supreme court! As Catholic Church threatens excommunication to any of five-man Catholic majority of SCOTUS who uphold California Supreme Court ruling granting same-sex civil equality, Pope Benedict has stroke. No one can tell difference. Win-win for men in dresses, women in L.L. Bean, throughout Christendom.

 

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Economy continues to suck.

Suck – suck – suckity – suck. Keyword: Hoard.

 

Arkansas Times Shatters Hussman’s D-G! Joining nationwide trend, initially little-noticed, ad revenues increasingly shift from print to online media thanks to genius A-T “repurposing at top” and, uh, new blood.

 

Walter Hussman, like Leatherface, emerges wide-eyed and alone from Arkansas forest, chainsaw finally stilled. No more trees for pulp. Silence reverberates ‘round Arkansas’ lumber- and paper-mills and circulation departments.

 

Caged domestic birds from sea to shining sea bemoan loss of dailies to weeklies.

 

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Marijuana Will Be Legalized!

 

 

We’re not talking acres of farmed green, here. That would be too smart. You know: like tobacco – subsidized and taxed and processed and rolled and manufactured and advertised and distributed and shizz.

 

All that money pumped into the national economy for a commodity already enjoyed daily by over 50% of Americans.

 

No. We’re staying dumb-de-dumb-dumb.

 

Talking widdle baggies of the green sold surreptitiously, instead.

 

Only, in 2009, you won’t need to get cancer to buy it.

 

Progress!

 

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Earthquake Won’t Hit Arkansas!

Ominous predictions aside, the New Madrid Fault sleeps through 2009. Go on about your business. Talk on cell phones whilst driving, etc. It’s all good.

 

 

 

Razorbacks will . . . ?

Well, anybody can see what’s coming here. Crystal Ball or not.

 

Frankly . . . it looks damned good!

 

Back on track, Hogs!

 

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World Won't End in 2009!

 

Prophets have screwed this one up for centuries. I'm the only one to get it right.

 

And Finally, A Fond Farewell in 2008 . . . Thank God . . .  

In no particular order . . . and for various reasons . . . some of whom don’t even KNOW they’re over yet . . . and hardly all-inclusive . . .

 

. . . from Lu Hardin to Mark Pryor, Pat Hays, Matt Jones, Mike Huckabee, Chip Saltsman, Blanche Lincoln, Mike Beebe, Mark Leveritt, Cycle Breakers, DHS Child Services Division . . . oh the list is long . . . but let’s not forget the Entire Bush Administration from Top to Bottom, so to speak: George W. to “frequent White House sleepover” ace crack “reporter” (until exposed as online gay prostie, not that there’s anything wrong with that) Jeff Gannon . . .

 

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++++++++++++++++++++

Alas, my crystal goes dark. Wouldn't yours?

 

As does . . . finally . . . 2008.

 

Outside, it’s dawn.

 

A New Year.

 

A New Administration.

 

A New America.

 

And . . . Norma Predicts . . .

 

. . . same old shit in 2009.

 

Your only protection . . . print, cut, laminate and carry, Bloggers . . . my Red Dot.

 

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