Who I Am | Misadventures in the Dark

Friday, July 25, 2008

Who I Am

Posted By on Fri, Jul 25, 2008 at 3:11 PM

I call boys. Always have. Even when my mom encouraged me not to, I called anyway. Still do. Not over and over, mind you, but if the desire to do so strikes, I call.
The difference between me and most girls who call boys, however, is that my calls tend to require a 1 plus an area code before the regular ol’ seven digits. In other words, they typically live out of state.

So when I’m with my friends, I refer to these boys by their location as well as their actual name. For instance, if I discuss Tyler, I have to quickly add “the Nashville drummer boyfriend" descriptor.  Yeah, I know.

Perhaps this penchant for far-away significant others is by design. It enables me to keep my distance and allows them to keep my attention. I am a fickle gal. On the other hand, I feel you really get to know someone when there is distance. It inserts vulnerability while removing the physical distractions.

It also makes actual time spent together precious, appreciated.

Besides being able enough to call boys, I also answer the phone when they call me. No games. No standard "three day rule" bullshit. Life is too short to play the game and yet, is not playing the game a game in itself?

Outside of far away boys (and of course the lefties) I’m drawn to the following like a magnet:  Swimming pool blue-eyed boys. Musical boys. Witty and charismatic boys. Attentive boys. Soulful boys. Boys that love dogs. Boys that tip well. Boys that open my car door and compliment my shoes... all after my heart.

The same heart I keep guarded. A flaw I am well aware of every day. And still, I find it makes it easier to detach — though a few have broken through and I am still healing.

I love really good, slow, passionate, press-you-against-the-wall, unexpected kisses. Great first kisses. Those that leave you breathless. The kind of kisses that stop time and often leave you lingering, forgetting to kiss back. I love those. I also love those great easy conversations that last until stupid o’clock in the morning. Conversations that make hours pass like minutes, leaving one hanging on to every single word. Ahh, love ‘em.

I've always chased those kisses, those moments, the butterflies, rather than the stereotypical quest to find a husband. Even as a little girl, I never harbored the desire to marry. Even then, I found the idea scary. And now, as a twentysomething woman, I find myself valuing travel, friendship, writing, personal success, independence and single living more than the notion of finding comfortable security with a man and 2.5 kids. Ultimately, I know my greatest fear surrounds marrying the wrong person.

I'm cynical when it comes to "love." Love, that overused term. My mother often says “love is a verb” and I believe her. I find myself even questioning happy couples, wondering if they ever fear they're missing out on something else — though not necessarily something "better." I've watched friends and family marry, divorce and remarry. Some of these same folks are the first to advise me of how to "land a man." They can’t wrap their minds around the idea that perhaps I am okay with not settling. Being alone beats being lonely with the wrong person. Maybe there are mulligans with love. Maybe they're all right. Practice, yes? I think we all want to find that divine love. The selfless, perfect love that inspires songs. I just opt to take a few — a few hundred,  a few thousand — detours along the way.

I value friendships more than most and tend to grow beyond offended when these friendships are challenged. I've had the same best friend — a man, for 15 years. I am generally able to get along with nearly everyone. I can't stand women who state they get along better with men. I appreciate my male and female friendships. I love my dog more than most people. Some feel I say this in jest, but I repeat, I love my dog more than most people. I don't eat meat, and yes, that includes chicken and fish (the most common question I am asked), but I don't care if you do. I've had the same job for nearly six years and it doesn't allow for a lot of creativity, but it does offer challenge. Plus, I respect the owner and like my co-workers. This speaks volumes.

I’ve dated a wide variety of boys, men, guys and I offer no apologies. It's afforded me the opportunity to weigh what I need and want. I’ve spent a lot of time alone as well. I enjoy reading, walking, sleeping, live music, anything that shuts my brain down for a moment. I’m attracted to and envious of the “calm” in others. I’ve learned “happiness is a choice” is 100% truth and not merely a good quote to regurgitate. I’m drawn to those who share this belief.

I am a coin toss but I am always me. Thank you in advance for allowing me to share some of the puzzle pieces making up the mosaic of who I am.

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