The toe principle | Rock Candy

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

The toe principle

Posted By on Wed, Jan 2, 2008 at 5:15 PM


The Horror!
Somehow in the hustle and bustle of year-end responsibilities, the best blog entry of 2007 slipped off my radar. Thankfully, the genius of  Epiphany's magnum opus, "The Meat on Meat Manifesto," isn't temporal.

The local rapper has graciously allowed me to reprint it in full here. Fair warning: It's fairly PG-13 and wholly ridiculous. But so reasoned!

Look for Epiphany, who's one of Little Rock's strongest and most innovative rappers when he's not writing pseudo-scientific essays about toe aversion, on local stages soon. His label/collective Conduit hosts a "Chill" on Saturday, Jan. 26 at Revolution.

Here you go:

Most females who know me past my "that dude tends to talk a lot on stage" demeanor, understand that I'm not the biggest advocate of feet.  Though I respect the fact that they are God's creation enabling us to do many things such as walk and kick, I'm known for telling a lady "from the ankles up, you fine" (even though the definition of "fine" sometimes has to be taken from a very liberal/squinted eye standpoint).  The reason I single out ladies is b/c they're the ones more prone to pop them dogs out given the slightest hint of mediocre weather (though dudes on the prep game and fathers over the age of 45 do the same), and past that, a grip of the women folks when they reach a friendly type level think it's acceptable to communicate w/ them even going as far as to use them to point at you or poke you to get your attention.  (I'm not going to even speak on the new breed of neo-seventies "life is love" women who don't even know you, but think that that's cool.)  That's not right...and I finally understand why that is.

Now I'm not gonna lie, I used to overreact to the close proximity of feet just b/c I didn't like them.  I didn't know why, I just knew that I didn't.  I wasn't sure if it was b/c I felt like toes were missing a joint or b/c they seemed to always come in a scaly, damp, colorful toed and/or heeled, or "helmet on top" variety when I saw them.  But it wasn't until recently that I discovered the scientific backing to why it's not cool off top to let feet loose, and that's  "Meat on Meat" (or "MoM" as I'll call it for the rest of this blog).  If you think about it, there are only a few elite parts of the body where there is meat slapping on another chunk of meat consistently throughout the day and all of them are considered publicly off-limit areas.  Let me list them for you:

1)      The Armpits

2)      The Vaginal Area

3)      A Dude's Sack

4)      Cracks

5)      Large Breasts (in particular that lil crease under them)

6)      Any other crease where the meat starts to double up &…

7)      FEET (toes in particular, of course)

 Now look over the MoM list again and see the family that feet fall into.  I think you're beginning to understand.  Even past the fact that they're "off-limit", they all generate their own "fragrance" which when smelled unexpectedly is undesirable to 92.3% of the language speaking world (unfortunately you can Google fetishes and find the other 7.7%). 

So the MoM Principle is this:  Unless we are at an understood comfort level w/ each other, no item in the MoM category should come into the close flesh-on-flesh proximity of another.  Think about it, if we were just getting cool, or even if we've been pretty cool-like for a second or three and I walk up and put my sack on your shoulder to get your attention, that wouldn't be cool (excluding all go-livers).  Some would even say I was out of line.  In most cases, I feel the same way. 

W/ that said, the long and short of it is this, although I stand by the fact that there is no such thing as a "cute" foot (there are simply less ugly feet), that's just my opinion, but it's fact that feet fall prey to the MoM Rule.  Ladies, b/c of this fact, unless we're to a level where you can playfully call my mom by her first name when we're alone and I can jokingly point out the genetic defects or intellectual deficiencies of one of your family members that only the fam can talk about, don't put them junks on me.  If you do, don't be surprised by what gets put back on you.  Real talk.

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