The worst of the worst | Rock Candy

Friday, November 22, 2013

The worst of the worst

Posted By on Fri, Nov 22, 2013 at 10:29 AM

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Forgive me, foodies, for I have sinned.

Given the high profile life I lead, it probably comes as no surprise that many of my meals are made up of the finest organic products, produced by talented artisans and chefs to be consumed on-site at one of our many picturesque farms. Other times, I content myself with lighter fare — local mixed-green salads massaged into being to a soundtrack of Iron and Wine and served with just a hint of patchouli. And of course I wash it all down with some of the finest wine and beer that our fine state has to offer. It's a good life.

What I don't do, what I never do, is eat fast food. Even my butler's maid is too good for the stuff. After all, switching from my regular diet of foie gras hamburgers to something as gauche as a Whopper would be like painting a goatee on the Mona Lisa.

Of course, that's all the biggest bunch of baloney this side of Oscar Mayer. I do try to limit my intake of take-out food, but there are times when a lunch hour turns into the dreaded "lunch 15 minutes" and fast food manages to pump enough fat, salt, carbs, and mutilated protein into my body so that work may continue. And honestly, not all fast food is terrible. Wendy's has some decent salads, and I've got a soft spot for the dreaded Chicken McNugget. And with the coming of McDonald's "Mighty Wings," one thing becomes clear: Mickey D's needs to stick to chicken of the pressed and boneless variety.

What's a chicken wing from McDonald's like? You can do them yourself at home. Make a large batch of the flour paste popular in kid's craft classes. Add to this dough about a cup and a half of season salt. Coat chicken wings with the glop to the thickness of about 3/4 of an inch. Fry for the length of time it takes to sync up Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon with The Wizard of Oz. When the chick on "Great Gig in the Sky" starts wailing, pull the wings. For best results, top the wings with your favorite sauce, then dump them directly into the nearest trash can. Let them sit for an hour, then eat. You'll be close.

If there's one thing I can say about the Mighty Wings, it's that they at least have a real chicken wing somewhere buried under the harsh, salty crust, unlike, say, the McRib. I'm still unclear why McDonald's thought this was a good product, though, because wings aren't convenient to eat in the car, they're so over-battered that they don't fit into the sauce tubs for easy dipping — and oh yeah, they taste like MSG-enhanced evil. There are fun guilty pleasures out there, but it's clear after the first bite that the Mighty Wing will never be one.

McDonald's is located...well, everywhere.

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