Feeling sorry for the first aliens who actually make contact with us | Street Jazz

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Feeling sorry for the first aliens who actually make contact with us

Posted By on Tue, May 4, 2010 at 1:51 PM

Stephen Hawking aside, I’ve always sort of felt sorry for the first aliens to make actual, “official” contact with the human race.  The sheer pressure on them will be enormous. I mean, it won’t be like they are visiting from Germany, or Japan or Liechtenstein.

They’ll be Space People, for crying out loud! They’ll have the Secrets of the Universe at their fingertips! Or they’d better, if they know what’s good for them.

Generations of science fiction fans have been ready for the eventual landing on the White House lawn, and expectations are high.

What’s the cure for cancer?

What’s the perfect energy source?

Why pyramids?

And, of course, there are those who feel that only those beings who have reached a sufficiently high level of spirituality will be able to achieve flight across the stars. Cuz, you know, atheists can’t figure out how to use a slide rule, or built a rocket gantry.

And if the poor devils show the slightest sign of spirituality, then millions will begin to adopt their religion - hey, we’ve got followers of the Jedi religion right here  on Earth right now. For all I know, somewhere in Arkansas is the First Church of Skaro.

And if they aren’t, spiritual, and don’t have any religion to speak of? Imagine the public firestorm then. The godless devils will be grilled on FOX News by Mike Huckabee, and Sarah Palin will be Tweeting by the hour.

Of course, the folks who sit glued to their TV sets and devour History Channel “documentaries” about alien visitations (brought to us by “researchers” with dorky hair) will have questions about ancient times and will practically get carpet burns on their faces, chanting “We are not worthy, we are not worthy . . .”

Hey, if they are connected with the so-called “ancient astronauts” I’d have a few questions my self, chief among them being:

You consorted with peoples who practiced slavery, ritualized torture and all manner of barbarism, and the best you could offer them was a cockeyed form of architecture?  No moral code - not even a “Hey, dudes, maybe you could torture people just a little bit less? Just for laughs?”

Oh, dear - hear come the cries of “Well, the aliens probably had a Prime Directive, just like on Star Trek.” 

Then again, they could be like the folks in the great George Alec Effinger story, “The Aliens Who Knew, I Mean, Everything,” about the most annoying aliens in the universe.

They didn’t have the answers to anything, but clearly thought they did. They had opinions about art, food, music (“The best movie soundtrack is Ben-Hur.”)

They wore their welcome out pretty quickly.

The story is on ebooks. It’s fun. Check it out, and share it with others.


We could always just accept them at face value, with no preconceived notions. That might be more fun than attaching all of our simplistic notion on them.

Still, if they were  the pyramid guys,  they have a lot to anser for, I think . . .


The Time Tunnel/Home Improvement Connection

I’m a sucker for time travel shows, no matter how cheesy. Why else would I watch every episode on the DVD collection of NBC’s Voyagers that I bought?

One of the cheesiest (and least historically  accurate) was old ABC series Time Tunnel, produced by crap-master Irwin Allen. Every week two American scientists, lost in time, manage to get beaten up by people in the past and future. .The first thing they usually did upon arriving on the scene was to tell the first person they saw they were time travelers, whereupon they would get the snot beat out of them.

Yeah - a couple of real whiz kids.

Zooming ahead a few decades brings us to another show, Tim Allen’s Home Improvement, in which the main character is constantly being admonished, “I don’t think so, Tim.”

I became quite a catchphrase for a few people I know.

So? What connection can there be with Time Tunnel? Are you just filling up space again?  Not totally, I promise.

On the episode of Time Tunnel devoted to Custer’s Last Stand, an episode dedicated to grand historical inaccuracy (including battle scenes from old westerns) our two stalwarts are on a hillside with a young bugle boy, sitting on horses. Seeing Custer’s troops being wiped out, the young  man (whose name is Tim) wants to hurl himself into the battle and . . . what, you moron? Save the day?

One of the scientists looks at him and shakes his head. “I don’t think so, Tim,” he says.

Yes, it made my day. Far more than anything else in that episode did, actually.


Quote of the Day

The less secure a man is, the more likely he is to have extreme prejudices. - Clint Eastwood


The Best Love Song Ever Written

Best love song ever, "Pizza and Beer," sung by Louis Prima and Keely Smith. The Lyrics go like this: "That's my girl, she's a dear. I love her, I love her, cuz she buys me Pizza and Beer!"

My wife, obviously not being as romantic as I am, doesn’t agree.




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