Fayetteville: Obviously, the only solution is to ban all public restrooms | Street Jazz

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Fayetteville: Obviously, the only solution is to ban all public restrooms

Posted By on Sun, Dec 7, 2014 at 1:02 PM

When the young man came to the house yesterday delivering something which we had ordered, he expressed appreciation for the “Vote Against Repeal” sign in our front yard. He and I both agreed that it seemed incomprehensible that in 2014, zealots would keep us in the dark Ages, as it were.

I told him what I had told others - maybe the only real solution was for the city of Fayetteville to ban all public restrooms, and just put a Port-a-Potty on every other block. He laughed, and said that might work.

Actually, I almost went down to City Hall the night the Great Debate was taking place, to suggest just that very idea. Watching scores of people vibrating in place with paranoia, attempting to convince the world that hordes of folks with alternative lifestyles were just slavering at the chance to use the little girl’s room was almost too much to bear.

I’m sort of surprised a video hasn’t come out of all this - “They are coming to a Bathroom in your Town.”
But there is only one clear solution to all of this: the Fayetteville City Council should take the progressive step of banning all public restrooms in the city limits of Fayetteville.

Bathrooms in schools, churches and for employees of businesses are okay, but for customers, or for folks just wandering in off the street?

Nyet, I say, nyet.

Let’s just put a Port-a-Potty on every other block, save for residential areas, perhaps.

Now, before we have yet another eight hour city council meeting, with the strong bladder folks on one side, and the “Peeing in in the Mall is my right as an American” crowd, let me just put forth my arguments. You’ll see that I am right.

Port-a-Pottys can be public art projects.

Though personally I prefer the original blue, which makes them resemble nothing so much as a poor man’s TARDIS, a community like Fayetteville, with its long history of honoring the arts, can have contests, or can hire artists to decorate them. I can see Fayetteville’s “Art-a-Pottys” being written about in national magazines, or even being in one of those cute segments on local news programs around the country, where local anchors grin, and say how pretty they are.

The fiscally conservative should love the idea, since it goes without saying that not only will businesses spend less on toilet paper and paper towels, but malls and such can cut down on their workforce, since, without bathrooms to clean, there will be less work for their janitorial staff.

In fact, even should a city provide portable johns on selected street corners, there is no reason why it should have to provide toilet paper. This will force us all to be more responsible citizens.

We will truly “be taking our country back” from the tax and spend crowd.

And it goes without saying that bladder/bowel self control leads automatically to more moral self-control. After all, what is all this bathroom stuff but surrendering to our baser needs?

We could name them after people.

It just goes without saying that the first Port-a-Potty the city places, in a spot where most folks are likely to use it, should be named the Michelle Duggar-Potty.

But that’s just a freebie, for someone who clearly deserves the honor. All the others? I don’t think that a thousand dollars is too much to ask to have your name put on a portable restroom of your choice.

Maybe two thousand dollars, if you want your name put on a Port-a-Potty in a specific location. And, you know, it just goes without saying that there will be some prime real estate locations. Why not charge more for the two or three that might be located in the parking lot at the Northwest Arkansas Mall, or outside a movie theater?

Better get cracking, city staff. You can make this happen.

Oh, and yeah, because this was my idea, I want the second one to be named the Richard S. Drake-Potty.


Quote of the Day

You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present. - Jan Glidewell




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