Food from the Dark Side: Fried Bologna and Velveeta Cheese Biscuits | Street Jazz

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Food from the Dark Side: Fried Bologna and Velveeta Cheese Biscuits

Posted By on Sun, Jan 11, 2015 at 2:11 AM

We were in the Dark Heart of America when I saw the first sign promoting friend bologna and Velveeta cheese biscuits. In my youthful horror, I assumed it must be a regional thing; surely such an assault on the American diet - not to mention the collective national psyche - wouldn’t extend beyond the borders of Oklahoma.

But no, this culinary delight wasn’t relegated to the Forbidden Zone - the Hardees just around the corner from us offers the FB&VC Biscuit, weighing in at a dainty 540 calories.

As I ordered a cup of coffee the other morning, I asked the young woman behind the counter, “Do people actually order that?”

She looked at me as though I were a political refugee from the planet Skaro. “Yes, they do,” she assured me seriously.

“Well,” I said as I paid for my coffee, “I won’t be among their number.” She gave me a mystified look.

The first thing that has to be made perfectly clear is this - Velveeta is not cheese, in any way shape or form, if indeed it is even food. If it were, it would be in the refrigerated section, you know, next to things like “Swiss Cheese,” or “Provolone,” or even the horribly mistreated “shredded” cheese.

Instead, you can find it on the shelves next to the baked beans, or pasta, or instant potatoes.

There is a wonderful scene in the movie Infamous, when Truman Capote is in Kansas investigating the killings of the farm family, and he is standing before a giant stack of Velveeta boxes. He turns to a fellow shopper and asks her, “Where is the cheese section?”

She gives him a strange look and says, “You’re standing in front of it.”

I thought about this when Tracy and I found ourselves shopping one day in the Dark Heart of America, and I found myself standing next to a fellow as we both looked down at a pile of Velveeta boxes. It was in my mind - and really, almost out-of-my-mouth - to tell him about that movie when he picked up not one, but three boxes of Velveeta.

Well, maybe he had to plug an industrial leak or something.

In a way, I suppose that some respect must be paid to Hardees. At a time when many Americans are trying to eat right, Hardees seems to be trying to say, “it’s all a fad. And hey, why not try our Double Loaded Omelet Biscuit, which weighs in at 630 calories - because you never know when you might have to sit on top of your house to keep it from being grabbed up by a passing tornado. Would you like hash rounds with that, which weigh in at a lovely 460 calories?”

Hash rounds are in the same category, by the way, as “hash brown nuggets” - if you can send me scientific proof of why I should consider them to be “real” hash browns” I’d be glad to see it. Till then, I’ll just consider them to be a bastardization of an actual food item.

Well, it could be worse, I suppose. I wait in trepidation for the day when hardees introduces the Ham, Egg, Cheese, Hash Brown and Orange Juice Biscuit, weighing in at . . .


Quote of the Day

When someone tries to argue with you, say, “You are nothing if not accurate, and you are not accurate.” Then escape from the room. - Christopher Morley



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