n 1979, I took the name of the Nielsen Family – those folks who watch TV for all of us and report on what they watch – in vain. But it was for a good cause, and I have never felt even a shred of guilt.

Okay, maybe a tiny bit for deceiving a nice woman on the phone, but it has never kept me up at night.

Advertisement

Sometime after I had slithered out from the wreckage of my first marriage, I met a Purolator Courier by the name of Jolyne. For those whose personal universe is so small that they only think of oil filters when they hear the name of Purolator, it was also a thriving shipping business.

In 2015, the Purolator shipping service is completely separate from the oil filter business. Two completely different companies.

Advertisement

You don’t see many Purolator vehicles outside Canada, but back in the Olden Days, they were as common as UPS or Federal Express is today.

I just mention the courier part now, so as to explain a story I’ll tell in a minute or so.

Advertisement

And so it came to pass one day that Jolyne told me about her ex-husband, who had a problem with child support payments – meaning that he hadn’t made any in years, and had, in act, taken leave of Arkansas altogether. She knew what city he was in, and what his phone number was, but no idea at all whether he was gainfully employed or not.

It is a sad fact of life in our culture that many men will actually quit a good job, once child support payments are taken out of their weekly paychecks. If memory serves, Jolyne’s ex-husband was one of these stalwart fellows.

Advertisement

What to do? What do do?

We mulled it over for a few weeks until, one day, looking through my trusty copy of TV Guide (a publication which has seen better days, intellectually speaking) I had an epiphany.

Advertisement

This happens so seldom in my life that I need to write these stories down.

Going to the phone, I dialed the number of Jolyne’s ex-husband. It turned out not to be her ex-husband who answered the phone, but his new wife. I went into my spiel, about how we were considering them to be one of the Nielsen Families,” and began to ask a whole series of questions.

Advertisement

I learned wonderful things that day, not only about the sort of home they lived in, the number of TVs they had and how much TV they watched, but also about his job, how much he brought home, and how long he had held that same job.

Thanking her profusely, I hung up the phone. The next day, Jolyne called her attorney, and justice was done.

As I say, I have occasionally felt a twang of guilt over deceiving a perfect stranger, but then again, he did owe the money. And if he had skipped out his responsibilities to one woman and child, who is to say he wouldn’t do it to another?

******

The Adventure of the Deer in the Bathtub

Advertisement

I have known a few couriers in my life, and by and large, they all got a rush from driving. Jolyne was no exception, especially when her nightly route took her to Eureka Springs, and the long, curving roads.

And she liked to drive as fast as she could, legally.

One night, at around three in the morning, she woke me up. “I’ve got a deer in the back of the van,” she said. “We’re going to skin and dress it in the bathtub.”

It seemed a deer had had the great misfortune to wander into the road at the same time that she was driving back from Eureka. It could have gone either way – as it was, the deer lost that night, and Jolyne survived.

Leaping from the Purolator van, she ran to check on the deer, but nothing could be done to help it. Opening the back of the van, she moved the deer inside, and carefully drove the remainder of the way to Fayetteville.

And so we skinned and dressed a deer, in the wee small hours of the morning.

*****

Really, Nielsen folks? You have to bribe people now?

I really only thought of this story today because last week we got an invitation and accompanying survey from the Nielsen Company. Oddly enough, except for maybe a couple, none of the questions on their survey match up with what I used in my “survey” back in 1979.

Go figure.

Opening the envelope this morning, two crisp dollars bills fell out, simply for filling out the questionnaire.

Considering how many people must have thrown this out as junk mail, or simply choose not to fill out the form, you’ve really got to wonder if the Nielsen folks know the value of a dollar.

****

Quote of the Day

“If I could conceive that the general government might ever be so administered as to render the liberty of conscience insecure, I beg you will be persuaded, that no one would be more zealous than myself to establish effectual barriers against the horrors of spiritual tyranny, and every species of religious persecution.” – Founding Father George Washington, letter to the United Baptist Chamber of Virginia, May 1789

rsdrake@cox.net

Arkansas Times: Your voice in the fight

Are you tired of watered-down news and biased reporting? The Arkansas Times has been fighting for truth and justice for 50 years. As an alternative newspaper in Little Rock, we are tough, determined, and unafraid to take on powerful forces. With over 63,000 Facebook followers, 58,000 Twitter followers, 35,000 Arkansas blog followers, and 70,000 daily email blasts, we are making a difference. But we can't do it without you. Join the 3,400 paid subscribers who support our great journalism and help us hire more writers. Sign up for a subscription today or make a donation of as little as $1 and help keep the Arkansas Times feisty for years to come.

Previous article Two dead in Howard County after severe storms Next article An interview with Three Fold Noodles and Dumpling Co. about its upcoming 8 course dinner