Favorite

'05 resolutions 

Resolved: Continue the hiatus on vacation trips to the Levant. Resolved: Put off the bring-back-the-mullet campaign for another year. Resolved: If the president nominates me to do the Inaugural Poem this year, submit one of the Burma Shave classics, perhaps “Ben met Anna, Made a Hit. Neglected beard, Ben-Anna split.” Confident he’ll find and appreciate the deeper meaning. If the Southern Baptist Convention comes asking my advice, I’m going to tell them, “Why don’t you love one another, as Jesus said, instead of being such a bunch of a-holes?” Resolved: Finish “My Life” before I forget where I got to and have to go back and start all over. Resolved: Spend about as much time next year as this year worrying about the left-wing heathen plot to steal Christmas. Resolved: If I just can’t cold turkey this Bungee impulse, at least do a better job of making sure the rope is shorter than the jumpoff is high. I know it’s politically incorrect for little people to heighten, so for solidarity’s sake in ’05 I won’t heighten. It’ll take the sighting of a mushroom cloud — or a brace of them — to get me back into the WMD shelter that Homeland Security talked me into building back in ’02. And next time I’m taking Chee-tos, rather than try to subsist on the spiders as HS recommended. No matter how bad the thirst gets in there, it’s only as a very last resort that I’ll start chewing on the stockpiled cactus. Resolved: Spend considerable less time next fall than I did last fall waiting for the ficus leaves to change color. Resolved: Give credit where it’s due, unless that’s one of the times I’m Stephen Ambrosing, Doris Kearnsing, or Jayson Blairing. If some genie gives me three wishes in ’05, one of them will be that every time Sean Hannity says anything about anything someone will step forward from off-camera and whop him upside the head with a rubber chicken. Maybe with a horseshoe in it. Several others of these host whoppings also. I’ll not get my ride pimped on account of it would just be a waste. Anybody uses really trite expressions around me, I’ll open a can of whupass. Resolved: E-Bay the Annie Oakleys if the Britney Old Married Woman Tour stops by. I’m not wasting any more sympathy on David O. Freaking Dodd. I’ll not be talked to that way by a machine. I’ll not hitch my wagon to a star until I figure out what the hell that means. I’ll not give them a centimeter, assuming they’d take a kilometer if I did. In the same spirit, I’ll not batten down the hatches until I get me some hatches and find out how. Even though deer are coming up to graze in my back yard pretty regularly now, I won’t be leasing out hunting rights. Whatever it is, I’m not going to get my bowels in an uproar about it. I’ll not schedule a motor trip on Interstate 40 if there’s a chance of snow. I’ll not be renewing vows, as that suggests the old ones somehow weren’t good enough, or getting involved in that sanctimonious covenant marriage grandstanding with all those pious phonies. No matter how bad I mess up, I won’t blame it on abuse, or claim to be the “real victim.” I’ll not be yelling into a cell phone in a public place if it might annoy someone with a heart condition. I’m not going to reiterate before I’ve iterated. I’m determined to cut down on calling for citizen’s arrests like Gomer. I guess I’ll just give up hope of ever panning an appreciable amount of gold out here in Hurricane Creek. I’ve got enough to think about without sweating carbs. Resolved: Agree to Support the Troops only when it means something other than Support the Foolish Policies that have put the troops in danger. Resolved: Pop Tucker Carlson’s bow tie the first chance I get. I’ll not mosh, unless circumstances just demand it. Resolved: I’ll not sic my dog on any salesmen except the ones who won’t take no for an answer. Buying the new car to get the free shotgun is not on the ’05 agenda. Also, all that time spent mulching, roping, defenestrating, noshing, popping wheelies, and turning the Garden Weasel in ’04 will be put to better use.
Favorite

From the ArkTimes store

Comments

Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

More by Bob Lancaster

  • Wretched rez

    I had some New Year's Rez(olutions) for 2016 but that ship sailed so I'm renaming them my Spring Rez or my All-Occasion Whatevers and sending them along.
    • May 26, 2016
  • Nod to Bob

    A look back at the weird and wonderful world of Bob Lancaster.
    • Mar 21, 2013
  • On black history

    If you're going to devote an entire month to appreciating the history of a color, it might as well be the color black.
    • Feb 14, 2013
  • More »

Most Shared

  • Football for UA Little Rock

    Andrew Rogerson, the new chancellor at UA Little Rock, has decided to study the cost of starting a major college football team on campus (plus a marching band). Technically, it would be a revival of football, dropped more than 60 years ago when the school was a junior college.
  • Turn to baseball

    When the world threatens to get you down, there is always baseball — an absorbing refuge, an alternate reality entirely unto itself.
  • Another Jesus

    If you follow the logic of Jason Rapert and his supporters, God is very pleased so many have donated money to rebuild a giant stone slab with some rules on it. A few minutes on Rapert's Facebook page (if he hasn't blocked you yet) also shows his supporters believe that Jesus wants us to lock up more people in prison, close our borders to those in need and let poor Americans fend for themselves for food and health care.
  • 'Cemetery angel' Ruth Coker Burks featured in new short film

    Ruth Coker Burks, the AIDS caregiver and activist memorably profiled by David Koon as the cemetery angel in Arkansas Times in 2015, is now the subject of a short film made by actress Rose McGowan.

Latest in Bob Lancaster

  • Lancaster retires

    Bob Lancaster, one of the Arkansas Times longest and most valued contributors, retired from writing his column last week. We’ll miss his his contributions mightily. Look out, in the weeks to come, for a look back at some of his greatest hits. In the meantime, here's a good place to start.

    • Feb 21, 2013
  • On black history

    If you're going to devote an entire month to appreciating the history of a color, it might as well be the color black.
    • Feb 14, 2013
  • Making it through

    Made it through another January, thank the Lord.
    • Feb 6, 2013
  • More »

Event Calendar

« »

July

S M T W T F S
  1
2 3 4 5 6 7 8
9 10 11 12 13 14 15
16 17 18 19 20 21 22
23 24 25 26 27 28 29
30 31  

Most Viewed

  • Another Jesus

    If you follow the logic of Jason Rapert and his supporters, God is very pleased so many have donated money to rebuild a giant stone slab with some rules on it. A few minutes on Rapert's Facebook page (if he hasn't blocked you yet) also shows his supporters believe that Jesus wants us to lock up more people in prison, close our borders to those in need and let poor Americans fend for themselves for food and health care.
  • Pay attention

    If anyone thinks that a crisis with the Power Ultra Lounge shooting, then he hasn't been paying attention to Little Rock.

Most Recent Comments

  • Re: Another Jesus

    • IBS, were you there in Benghazi to personally witness all of Hillary's blunders like you…

    • on July 23, 2017
  • Re: Another Jesus

    • If God felt it necessary to replace the ten commandments, he could do it like…

    • on July 23, 2017
  • Re: Football for UA Little Rock

    • He's BSC. Students and tuition-paying parents should be VERY vocal that a football program won't…

    • on July 23, 2017
 

© 2017 Arkansas Times | 201 East Markham, Suite 200, Little Rock, AR 72201
Powered by Foundation