April, Fool 

All of this happened on the same day, the first of the month, mirabile dictu. A news program on Fox really was fair and balanced. It was revealed that because of a mix-up in blueprints the Clinton Presidential Library is being built according to the specs proposed for the Boxcar Willie Library. A perp on COPS had a shirt on, had teeth, lived in a well-kept house, was polite and well-spoken, and had no drug paraphernalia in his veehickle. The major oil companies, in a joint statement, said: "We're beginning to feel a little guilty about this big gouge, so, effective immediately, we're rolling back gasoline prices to a level at which we're making only a modest profit." On perusing this statement, the major drug companies were shamed into following suit. Big tobacco on grounds of conscience decided to quit making cigarettes. The president pronounced "nuclear" correctly. A passage in Leviticus, omitted as unintelligible by previous translators, was determined by a team of ancient languages specialists to read: "Televangelists suck." A WWF referee was inducted into MENSA. Everything wicker disintegrated. The King of Pop had most of the nose put back on, and pigment restored, and looked a lot better. Talk radio's hardest-blowing blowhard announced himself cured of his addiction to oxycodone, having gone over to Percoset. The Southern Baptist Convention voted that not everyone of every other religion and every other denomination is going to Hell, only the vast majority of them. Donald Trump was fired by his own hair. By closely studying the hamburger-gulping movements of the character Wimpy in old Popeye cartoons, a physiologist devised a new way of bending that allows fat people to tie their shoes and trim their toenails. The New York Times and other big newspapers implemented a new policy of labeling news stories as either "Factual" or "Fanciful." Boll weevils, red wasps, brown recluse spiders, termites, fire ants, and poisonous reptiles died out suddenly and inexplicably, like the dinosaurs. To promote the upcoming Olympics, the pope did cartwheels along the Piazza of St. Peter's, ending in a perfect one-hand handstand atop the Popemobile. The Enron rascals agreed to pay it all back. For reasons unknown but thought to be related to unusual sunspot activity, all the Johnson grass withered and died, and all the small-town geezers who write bitter letters-to-the-editor as well. O.J. Simpson said, "Oh, all right, I just made all that stuff up about the 'real killers.'" Several prominent people refused to blame their boorish or criminal behavior on having been abused as children, saying they had come to believe that adults should accept responsibility for the things they do, rather than blaming their foolishness on others. The governor denied clemency to a mad-dog killer. The president said: "I know, I've been a pretty rotten president. And no reason why you should, but if you'll give me another crack at it, I'll try to do better." A baseball player for the New York Yankees claimed that he was overpaid and said he'd like to give the better part of his salary to charity, to the players' pension fund, and to more-deserving players on the minor-market teams. It was announced that a new series called "Formerly Homophobe Preachers for Queer Guys Just Starting Out" would have Bro. Falwell heading up a group of straight clergy who would help decoratively challenged newlywed gay couples give a mainstream look to their homes and apartments. The attorney general resigned, saying he didn't think it was proper for a religious fanatic to hold that particular office. Justice Scalia said he'd always thought the Ten Commandments and the Bill of Rights were the same thing until Vice President Cheney explained the difference to him during one of their recent duck hunts. Yasser Arafat shaved. Members of Confederate veterans organizations who have been trying to demonize 140-years-dead Abraham Lincoln gave up and several of them actually got a life. All the contestants on the latest "Survivor" were voted off the show by each other, and then they voted the show off the air, and voted that viewers of the show should get a life, "like those old Abraham Lincoln-hating dudes." The Department of Homeland Security admitted that it adapted its color-coded terrorism alert warning system from one of the stupid stunts that Johnny Knoxville performed on the TV program "Jackass." Nolan Richardson admitted that his charges of racism were pretty lame, and that there weren't very many of those incidents in which he said people at sports banquets looked at him funny; in fact, it only happened once, and the person who looked at him funny was a well-known community crank who had looked funny at guest speakers for many years without regard for their race, sex, or national origin. Statistics showed that there's a 60 per cent chance that weather forecasting has become as accurate as reading tea leaves or goose entrails or a crystal ball or the daily horoscope. There was a Little League baseball game at which the parents behaved better than the players. The No. 1 rap single urged people to respect one another, be polite to one another, and not use coarse language. Researchers announced that the panacea - the cure for whatever ails you, whoever you might be - turned out to be Franke's custard pie. Elected president, vice president, secretary, and treasurer of the Washington County Republican Women's Organization were senoras named Rodriquez, Ramirez, Gonzales and Hernandez. And finally, all the people who called in pledges to the most recent 700 Club telethon called back and cancelled. Of all those unlikely occurrences, Bro. Pat Robertson was baffled and dismayed most by the last, and in one of his chatty little one-on-Ones with God said, "Lord, what's going on here?" And God replied, "April, Fool!"

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