Ask Mr. Columnist 

Q. What is the Arkansas connection with this Harriet Miers, the Supreme Court nominee? Also, isn’t she the Dee Dee Myers who used to answer questions for President Clinton? Is she any kin to the Meyer’s Bread people? Also, I’ve heard that our war policy has us mired down in Iraq, the same as in Vietnam — does she have anything to do with that? — Souterina Skurt

A. To answer your questions in reverse order, Mr. Skurt: No, Harriet Miers had no part in formulating U.S. policy in Iraq. President Bush is capable of getting us mired down there without any help from her or from anyone else. The Iraq and Vietnam type mire is spelled different from the Harriet type Miers, so to link her to the policy would be guilt by association, not a burden you’d want to be putting on a rookie judge.

Mires and Miers in this instance are homophones, or maybe homonyms, and no, those homos have nothing to do with the allegations about Harriet Miers’ sexual preference. Such allegations would involve a phobe and not a phone, two more words that are spelled nearly the same but are otherwise total strangers.

Harriet Miers’ name is also spelled different from that of the bread people, making it unlikely that they are her relatives. They might be distant cousins but that would be a homophonic coincidence. The spelling is also different from Dee Dee’s, and while Harriet and Dee Dee are of the same nationality and gender, they don’t have much else in common to suggest common ancestry.

That’s not meant to imply anything about the sexual orientation of either of them, either: They might be homophones, homophobes, homonyms, homeopaths, homewreckers, or hetero somethings — heterodox, perhaps, indicating two physicians doing it the normal way.

Their sex prefs are none of our business, though Harriet, if she were of the former persuasion as opposed to that of those doctors going at it, would, as a Bush appointee and an evangelical, presumably be obliged to privately regard herself as an abomination and deny herself permission to marry. Lawyers and philosophers call that a conundrum, which is nothing like a condom or referendum.

I haven’t heard of an Arkansas connection. One of Bill Clinton’s hussies was allegedly a Texas woman. She was the one always filing lawsuits against him. But there are lots of litigious Texas women, and we shouldn’t hold it against the soon-to-be-be Miss Justice Miers or Ms. Justice Miers or Senorita Justice Miers or that she is an e pluribus unum in that particular category.

Q. I saw your governor Huck Mikeabee on TV and they said he was running for president. What’s his platform? How would he stack up in a side-by-side comparison with President Bush? — Les Dixia

A. His name is Mike Huckabee, Mr. Dixia, and sorry about the handicap. He was elevated from obscurity to chief executive here by Kenneth Starr, the special prosecutor, during “Judge” Starr’s ruining-people-for-sport phase, and the Huckabee governorship has been of the cult of personality type that is pretty much the exact opposite of the dedication to selflessness that the Christian faith demands of its exemplars and apostles, one of which the Rev. Gov. Huckabee used to be.

His platform apparently will be to cut the fat, not only in government but also in your own big old belly and big old butt. He cut his own butt, belly, and jowl fat considerably, and was so proud he wrote a book about it, which, being of a literary quality with his other books, is thought not to have much disturbed the other Nobel literature prize aspirants’ equanimity.

Just my opinion but I think he compares well with President Bush. He gave up freebasing Velveeta where the president gave up chugalugging Jim Beam, and they both early on sacrificed any grandiose military ambitions. The Arkansas governor almost certainly has a higher IQ, though the president is more comfortable with his. The president leads in launching foolish, ruinous wars, and the governor has the edge in making pals with murderers and going to bat for them.

The governor loves Jesus more — he has spent more time and made more money at it anyhow — but in the mysterious way that the Lord usually works, Jesus seems to prefer the president. The professional Jesus buddies give that a big amen, especially those that handle big faith-based handouts.

The Bush White House is all slugs and ciphers, occasionally one with a stinger in its tail, but mostly just another study in the banality of evil, while a Huckabee Oval Office roundtable, the staffing not even imaginable at this point, is, by any stretch or scenario, an absolute hoot, unquestionably one that would mark the conclusion of American history that could be taken seriously, sort of like a last blow-out episode of “Hee-Haw.”

Also, Mrs. H. could take Mrs. B. in a catfight — any type of ring, anywhere, anytime, but she would prefer a cage match.


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