Here are 50 ways of coping with the cold weather. All different from the  annual cold-remedy rehash in the local daily, and better.

1.Listen to talk radio for hours on end. The hot air just keeps on coming.

2. Be unusually sinful. It will warm your cockles to think of the hell fire you'll soon be enjoying eternally as a result.

3. Mustard plasters are good but don't drain the larger blisters. Unless the fluid in them freezes.

4. Mulch your extremities.

5. Take a class in advanced burrowing.

6. Heed Exodus and burn a witch. One of those rascals will radiate heat for half a day.

7. Go to one of these warming shelters and make out with a homeless dude.

8. It helps sometimes to hunker.

9. Your least favorite neighbor's den furniture, furtively collected, will make passable firewood in a pinch.

10.  It'll stop cold drafts if you borrow a bulldozer and bank the top 18 inches of that same neighbor's front yard against the north side of your doublewide.

 11. All else failing, find yourself a tauntaun, kill and disembowel it, and crawl inside. Free room and board for a week. Stays warm in there too. You might want to take along some Febreze, though.

 12. A slug of paregoric lets you feel the warmth spreading all the way down.

 13. Hibernation is good but don't forget to bestir monthly long enough to keep the heating bills paid.

14.  It's not stylish but button up that ratskin coat when you're out scarfing roadkill.

 15. Witness a little more strenuously; put a little more oomph in your glossolalia.

16.  Reduce yourself to your avatar, which doesn't get cold. You can reflesh in April as the trees releaf.

17.  Reading:  the Slave Narratives from the WPA's Federal Writers' Project. Guaranteed to make your blood boil.

 18. There's still much to be said for the union suit.

 19. Take a gander at the footage from Duluth.

20.  Look into joining a sweat-lodge.

21.  If you're one of the little people, you might look into homesteading a large-capacity washateria dryer.

 22. Use only hot water in your refrigerator's icemaker.

 23. Nobody ever got cold hauling hay, if you can find any to haul this time of year.

 24. You're less likely to slip and fall on icy sidewalks if you walk on your hands.

 25. I've seen the ads for thermal condoms but you'll have to decide that one for yourself.

26.  Toe-sucking is the perfect way to get all het up, according to Dick Morris.

 27. Up your intake of blubber.

 28. Have a group reading of “Ancient Music” by Ezra Pound.

 29. Put a pipe down until you hit a magma chamber.

30.  Migraine sufferers who have learned hand-warming therapy can use it on their other digits and appendages.

31. Wiser use of all that cow methane.

32. Replenishing the coal box is always recommended, but you can't dig peat when the ground's frozen. You'd have an easier time burying mules.

33. Download “One Hot Minute” by the Red Hot Chili Peppers directly into a vein.

34.  It‘s considered uncouth to take off your shoes and socks and warm your feet over one of those flaming desserts at an expensive restaurant, but it works.

35. Pay a televangelist of the Pat Robertson kidney to pray the cold off in a different direction.

36. Figure out what Johnny Cash meant when he sang about falling into a burning ring of fire, then do it.

37. A good dominatrix can warm your haunches like Old Lady Ashcraft with her two-handed paddle back in the Ninth Grade.

38. If you catch a cold, it can be psychologically effective to call it a “hot.”

39. Think of LaSalle, famous explorer and relisher of cold, who loved nothing better than to walk off alone and unprovisioned into the howling wilderness during blizzards so bitter that no one else could venture outdoors, and be gone for months at a time.

40. Go down only so far into Dante's Inferno. At the bottom, there's black ice.

41. If icewater seeps in over your waders and fills them as high as the crotch, it might be time to find another place to duck hunt.

42. I wouldn't know personally but it's said that frequent and arduous bishop-flogging is a good heat producer.

43. You can have yourself vulcanized for less than you might think.

44. Think of the cold as just one of life's quick-passing  annoying stage props, as the thrown snow was for Mr. Snavely in “The Fatal Glass of Beer.”

45. I had a great-uncle who was a political agitator of the type called fire-eaters. Far as I know, he never once got cold.

46. Ice-fishing in these climes is always contra-indicated.

47. Coffee and cabbage rolls with Yosh and Stan Shmenge.

48. Burning the candle at both ends uses it up quickly but gives a glorious light. And twice as much heat.

49. If you just have to tongue flagpoles, blowtorch them lightly beforehand.

50. If you just have to go to a bowl game, make it the Hula Bowl.



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