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Dispatches from the S.P. American History bus tour:

Here we are in Boston, home of the Boston Tea Party, the same one we have today with all the patriots in it. I used to wonder why it was the Boston Tea Party, thinking Boston Tea was a brand name, like Lipton Tea, so it should've been like the Lipton Tea Party — easier to remember — but it was because it happened right here in good old Boston harbor.

It wasn't Boston brand tea or any other brand, and wasn't in the little flow-through paper bags with the string and paper tab, either. Because they didn't even have those back then. The flow-through bag came later like around the Civil War or the one on the continent of Korea.

I don't know why they thought they had to dress up as Indians. Maybe the Indians at the first Thanksgiving had shared some extra outfits with them. Maybe it was like Halloween and they were Hiawatha and Pocahontas. No one came as pilgrims, tho. Or the turkey!

This is also where Paul Revere rode his horse to warn the British that they were about to come upon themselves. He didn't mean that in the nasty way it sounds. I know Paul Revere's horse wasn't named Trigger, but I call it that just to pull the chain of the lamestream media. Probably something like Boy or Nellie, which would explain the expression "Whoa Nellie!" But I will keep on calling him Trigger after my own Trig that I got instead of an abortion.

Now here we are at Plymouth Rock, where some of the first Plymouth cars were made, as I understand it. One line of compact cars that they made was the Mayflower. They came for religious freedom and invented death panels to get rid of their witches. One witch said, "Give me liberty or give me death," so they did.

Here we are bypassing New York City because no history happened there except I appeared as myself on SNL and George Washington had the White House there before they moved it to where it is now. In New York, they had a White House and a Colored House and his slaves had to stay in the Colored House. Except the one that he stood on his back to get on his horse. The slaves were just 3/5ths people then. Oh, and the statue, but who wants to just stand around 200 yrs holding a lamp?

Here we are crossing the Delaware River into New Jersey just like the Father of Our Country when it was full of icebergs. I can't believe he could throw a silver dollar across this wide of a river. Or anybody else. There was your first example of the federal government just throwing money away. Ha!  

Tom Edison was here in New Jersey when he built the light bulb. Without that, no makeup mirrors! So thanks, Tom! He also said "Mr. Watson, come here. I need you." And "What hath God wrought?" That "wrought" is an old-fashioned way of saying "wrote." (Answer to the question: "The Bible." Duh!) And the bicycle. And the stereo.

NJ gave us Sopranos, and Miss America Padge where I missed my big chance. And Princeton where Al Einstein was, his name means one beer mug, and he had a theory that explained a lot of stuff but destroyed our morals. Him and old Darwin and their theories! Oh, and they might make me take the fat NJ governor as my running mate next year. Jeepers, is he fat! The thing about the helicopter made me wonder how they got one big enough so it didn't fall over sideways when he got on.

Now here we are at Valley Forge, where the Father of Our Country and his boys nearly froze to death and nearly starved because Congress wouldn't raise the debt limit. They told him to cut spending or they would cut off funding for the war. He said, "How much less can I pay them than nothing?" They finally had to eat their horses. I imagine that was a lot like eating moose. Moose is not as good as red-nosed reindeer but better than eating your sled dogs.

Here we are at Philadelphia, home of Benjamin Franklin. He invented the printing press and electricity. But palled around with old sourpuss atheists like Paine and would arrive late at all the Constitution meetings because he was out putting his Poor Richard into more places it didn't belong than Bill Clinton. This was around the same time Dick Clark started Bandstand here. The Liberty Bell is here but it's broke. Wm. Penn was a Founding Father who founded or fathered something here but nobody remembers what.

Here we are at Gettysburg, where the Norths and Souths fought more than anywhere else. It was most famous for when their pickets charged each other.  Lee said, "I regret I have but one life to give for my country" and U.S. Grant got drunk. If he could get elected GOP prez after that, why can't I?

Next up, bus toots (too long for tweets) from Maryland, where The Star Spangled Banner was wrought, and from Virginia Commonwealth, which sounds socialist ("common wealth") but that's just a word accident like I'm always having. Sta tuned!

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