Contrary opinions 

I don’t think we had near enough coverage of the Anna Nicole Smith case, especially the who’s-your-daddy part of it. We got similarly shorted on that Aruba deal earlier.

I’m glad to see so many more men wearing these attractive hair-pieces that blend in so well with what’s left of their different-colored hair.

Those face-lifts that make you look like a snare drum that can’t blink are real attractive too.

I’m thinking we just don’t have enough brands of erectile-dysfunction remedies on the market. A half-dozen more ought to get the job done.

I’m thinking, too, that we need more of these big hateful yellow roaming-free cur dogs chasing old people who are out walking.

And that we don’t have enough movies or TV with major vomiting scenes, or, for a kind of counterpoint, major diarrhea scenes.

We need more history books portraying Uncle Orv as an innocent bystander at Central High, made into a scapegoat by scheming Gazette editors. Can’t get too many of those.

I don’t think, as many seem to, that the bartenders at the race track should put more than the pre-measured four drops of liquor in the plastic-cup cocktails that they sell for $5 apiece. Give these guzzlers five or six drops and pretty soon they’ll be demanding a quantity sufficient to visibly cover the bottom of the cup.

The right to torture kitties and puppies is plain as day for all to see there in the Second Amendment, and the legislature, rather than proposing to outlaw animal cruelty, should’ve used some of that state surplus to reward particularly vicious parochial instances of it.

They could make TV commercials a few decibels louder if they just would.

We need more car companies pushing the musical idea that it’s an act of patriotism if you buy one of their cars, with the unspoken corollary that maybe it’s an act of treason if you don’t.

I could use a lot more severe-weather interruptions of my favorite prime-time TV dramas, notably when the storm threat is far off in the boonies somewhere and moving away.

I wouldn’t mind another gross or two per day of junk e-mails with attachments, either. Special thanks for all of those from Nigeria.

The doctor’s office waiting rooms I frequent don’t have enough fellow patients hacking and coughing and wheezing all over me and sending febrile young’uns over to wipe their runny noses on my pantsleg.

The restaurants I frequent don’t have enough customers talking on their cell phones to friends and relatives who are obviously deaf.

I wish more of these youngsters speeding by on their way to school in the morning would use my front yard as a place to throw their McDonald’s and Hardee’s sacks, drink cups, fry containers, burger wrappers, pie envelopes, napkins, and condiment packets, and their beer cans, wine cooler empties, etc. I need the exercise picking all this crap up.

I wish the people on talk TV — hosts and guests, interviewers and interviewees — would do more of all trying to talk at the same time.

We shouldn’t limit the amount of usury these payday lenders can charge the suckers dumb enough or desperate enough to patronize them. Everybody should have as much gouge freedom as the oil companies do in pricing gasoline.

I think it’s a good thing that men make the abortion decisions since, having done their part already, they can be more objective. Their lives won’t be affected much one way or the other so they can be more dispassionate, less prejudiced, taking the broader view. Giving them authority in the matter also ameliorates those gnawing feelings of post-coital irrelevance.

I agree with Newt Gingrich that English should not only be our official language, it should be the only language allowed public utterance in the United States. Well, except for the one that President Bush uses. If Arabs or Chinese have something to say to us, they can learn English or Bushlish. Among other advantages, this would let them know without a doubt who’s boss. The way it’s going now, in 20 years’ time, half our population will be talking Foreign.

More of these hyperactive juveniles should be encouraged to take up the four-wheeling that has made an ugly mess of just about all of our once-scenic roadsides and woodland trails. The newcomers to the “sport” could go to work on lawns, parks, and courthouse squares.

We should cut down every single oak, hickory, and maple in America and plant a Bradford pear tree in its place — and it looks like we’re about halfway there already.

When you ring up tech support, they don’t keep you on hold near long enough. If they’d keep you hanging for just twice as long — another three or four hours — think of how much enjoyment you’d get out of hearing the instrumental version of the same Golden Oldie another nine thousand times.

And we certainly need more of our preteens and adolescents wearing these suggestive, vulgar, smartass, and downright obscene message shirts out in public.


From the ArkTimes store


Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

More by Max Brantley

More by Bob Lancaster

  • Wretched rez

    I had some New Year's Rez(olutions) for 2016 but that ship sailed so I'm renaming them my Spring Rez or my All-Occasion Whatevers and sending them along.
    • May 26, 2016
  • Nod to Bob

    A look back at the weird and wonderful world of Bob Lancaster.
    • Mar 21, 2013
  • On black history

    If you're going to devote an entire month to appreciating the history of a color, it might as well be the color black.
    • Feb 14, 2013
  • More »

Most Shared

  • Hutchinson lobbyist moves to Teacher Retirement System

    Rett Hatcher, director of legislative affairs for Gov. Asa Hutchinson, has left the governor's staff to go to work Wednesday as deputy director of the Arkansas Teacher Retirement System.
  • Obamascare

    Republicans at long last may be about to see their most fervent wishes and wildest predictions materialize — millions of people losing their medical and hospital coverage, unaffordable insurance, lost jobs, a Medicare financial crisis, mushrooming federal budget deficits and fiscal crises across state governments.
  • Megyn vs. Alex

    As vigorously hyped broadcast events go, Megyn Kelly's televised confrontation with internet conspiracy cultist Alex Jones proved something of a dud.
  • Monkey wrenches

    Junior is 17 now, and shows no interest in driving, or even taking the driving test. It's got his Old Man a little concerned, and not just because we're running a car service for one these days.

Latest in Bob Lancaster

  • Lancaster retires

    Bob Lancaster, one of the Arkansas Times longest and most valued contributors, retired from writing his column last week. We’ll miss his his contributions mightily. Look out, in the weeks to come, for a look back at some of his greatest hits. In the meantime, here's a good place to start.

    • Feb 21, 2013
  • On black history

    If you're going to devote an entire month to appreciating the history of a color, it might as well be the color black.
    • Feb 14, 2013
  • Making it through

    Made it through another January, thank the Lord.
    • Feb 6, 2013
  • More »

Event Calendar

« »


  1 2 3
4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17
18 19 20 21 22 23 24
25 26 27 28 29 30  

Most Viewed

  • Megyn vs. Alex

    As vigorously hyped broadcast events go, Megyn Kelly's televised confrontation with internet conspiracy cultist Alex Jones proved something of a dud.
  • Cops and juries

    I try not to second-guess jury verdicts in trials I do not watch, as I know from the past decade as a criminal defense lawyer that what the jury sees and hears inside the courtroom is not always the same as what the public sees and hears outside the courtroom.

Most Recent Comments

  • Re: Megyn vs. Alex

    • But I do agree with him about the interview - Megyn Kelly rocked. Ridicule works.

    • on June 23, 2017
  • Re: Megyn vs. Alex

    • Good point. Your ratios don't make much sense, but a good point. I was not…

    • on June 23, 2017
  • Re: Megyn vs. Alex

    • @ investigator's, " I wonder why Lyons didn't also mention the absurd allegation that Donald…

    • on June 23, 2017

© 2017 Arkansas Times | 201 East Markham, Suite 200, Little Rock, AR 72201
Powered by Foundation