Demons out the wazoo 

We learned last week that Bro. Pat Robertson blames homoism on demonic possession.

Hardly a surprise since, over the years, Bro. Pat has fingered demonic possession as the root cause of, or a smoking-gun contributing factor in, all manner of revolting developments.

According to the gospel of Bro. Pat —

• Demonic possession was behind a crack that appeared in the Washington Monument a few years ago

• The big earthquake in Haiti was the demonic aftershock of a pact with the Devil made more than 200 years ago by a cadre of Port-au-Prince voodoo coup-plotters.   

• It was obviously the demonic possession of some of the Denver Broncos management that caused them to trade away St. Tim Tebow.

• Demonic possession inspired the "Twilight" movie series and the romanticizing of vampirism by the giggly set.

• Demonic possession prompted the laughter that greeted Bro. Pat's claim that a miracle anti-aging drink mix he was peddling on "The 700 Club" allowed his ancient doddering pencil-shinned self to leg-press weight that exceeded the standing world record by several hundred pounds.

• The recent tornado deaths in Missouri were the result of insufficient praying — indicative of demonic possession — by the victims as the cyclones bore down on them.

• Only the demon-possessed would suggest anything untoward in Bro. Pat's championing of African dictators who in parlous times allowed him to go on gouging gold nuggets and diamonds out of his private Dark Continent mines and spiriting them off in his personal fleet of cargo planes.

• Plastic surgery is a sign of demonic possession, and Bro. Pat advocated divorcing your spouse if he or she developed Alzheimer's, which he called "a kind of death" that he seemed to equate with zombieism, which, as we all know, is just demonic possession by another name.

Muslims, Hindus, Walt Disney World, the ACLU, feminists, liberals, people who've given, had, or advocated abortions, 9/11, evolutionists, pagans, Methodists, hurricanes — all characteristic of demonic possession, all predictable consequences of same.

Nothing about demons causing volcanic eruptions — I guess because in the Roberstonian view it goes without saying.

This is all pretty funny, I suppose, in a televangelical moronic kind of way. But I haven't been able to enjoy it as I might if I didn't cleave to an embarrassingly similar belief that demonic possession is a plausible answer to some of the race's longstanding unanswered questions.

I think it was demons rather than extra-terrestrials who performed all the cattle mutilations a few years back, for instance. Just for the hell of it.

It was a demon that thought up the concept of gnarliness.

Dick Cheney is a demon. Not demon-possessed, mind you, but the real mccoy. A demon inside him would only hold him back.

A demon founded and named Smackover, and gave it its feng shui and savoir faire.

A demon named Barbarino taught L. Ron Hubbard the principles of Scientology.

It was a demon named Moroni — not an angel as he thought — that led Joseph Smith to those golden plates and helped him translate them into leaden prose.

The reason we haven't been back to the moon is we found out it was crawling with demons. It's a penal colony for demons that couldn't or didn't get the job done.

The Beebe blackbirds were flying along uneventfully at about 5,000 feet — some of them listening to music with earplugs, some chatting about current events or the beauty of the night sky — when they crossed paths with a streaming demon that possessed them briefly, just passing through, the extra weight causing them to kamikaze down, killed by the fall, but the demon unhurt by it, gathering himself up and cruising on up to Dardanelle to have possession sport with a big school of drum fish.


From the ArkTimes store


Showing 1-1 of 1

Add a comment

Subscribe to this thread:
Showing 1-1 of 1

Add a comment

More by Bob Lancaster

  • Wretched rez

    I had some New Year's Rez(olutions) for 2016 but that ship sailed so I'm renaming them my Spring Rez or my All-Occasion Whatevers and sending them along.
    • May 26, 2016
  • Nod to Bob

    A look back at the weird and wonderful world of Bob Lancaster.
    • Mar 21, 2013
  • On black history

    If you're going to devote an entire month to appreciating the history of a color, it might as well be the color black.
    • Feb 14, 2013
  • More »

Most Shared

  • So much for a school settlement in Pulaski County

    The Arkansas Democrat-Gazette's Cynthia Howell got the scoop on what appears to be coming upheaval in the Pulaski County School District along with the likely end of any chance of a speedy resolution of school desegregation issues in Pulaski County.
  • Riverfest calls it quits

    The board of directors of Riverfest, Arkansas's largest and longest running music festival, announced today that the festival will no longer be held. Riverfest celebrated its 40th anniversary in June. A press release blamed competition from other festivals and the rising cost of performers fees for the decision.
  • Football for UA Little Rock

    Andrew Rogerson, the new chancellor at UA Little Rock, has decided to study the cost of starting a major college football team on campus (plus a marching band). Technically, it would be a revival of football, dropped more than 60 years ago when the school was a junior college.
  • Turn to baseball

    When the world threatens to get you down, there is always baseball — an absorbing refuge, an alternate reality entirely unto itself.

Latest in Bob Lancaster

  • Lancaster retires

    Bob Lancaster, one of the Arkansas Times longest and most valued contributors, retired from writing his column last week. We’ll miss his his contributions mightily. Look out, in the weeks to come, for a look back at some of his greatest hits. In the meantime, here's a good place to start.

    • Feb 21, 2013
  • On black history

    If you're going to devote an entire month to appreciating the history of a color, it might as well be the color black.
    • Feb 14, 2013
  • Making it through

    Made it through another January, thank the Lord.
    • Feb 6, 2013
  • More »

Event Calendar

« »


2 3 4 5 6 7 8
9 10 11 12 13 14 15
16 17 18 19 20 21 22
23 24 25 26 27 28 29
30 31  

Most Viewed

  • Another Jesus

    If you follow the logic of Jason Rapert and his supporters, God is very pleased so many have donated money to rebuild a giant stone slab with some rules on it. A few minutes on Rapert's Facebook page (if he hasn't blocked you yet) also shows his supporters believe that Jesus wants us to lock up more people in prison, close our borders to those in need and let poor Americans fend for themselves for food and health care.
  • Pay attention

    If anyone thinks that a crisis with the Power Ultra Lounge shooting, then he hasn't been paying attention to Little Rock.

Most Recent Comments

  • Re: Another Jesus

    • IBS, were you there in Benghazi to personally witness all of Hillary's blunders like you…

    • on July 23, 2017
  • Re: Another Jesus

    • If God felt it necessary to replace the ten commandments, he could do it like…

    • on July 23, 2017
  • Re: Football for UA Little Rock

    • He's BSC. Students and tuition-paying parents should be VERY vocal that a football program won't…

    • on July 23, 2017

© 2017 Arkansas Times | 201 East Markham, Suite 200, Little Rock, AR 72201
Powered by Foundation