Direct quotes 

1. "Vote God. Don't get me wrong. I'm not endorsing either candidate for president, on account of I wouldn't want to jeopardize our tax-exempt status. But me and God would sure appreciate it if you'd vote for George W. Bush." Who said it? (a) A yahoo preacher at Springdale who's the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette's new hero. (b) Someone doing a paraphrase of that Springdale preacher. (c) Some irreverent smart aleck doing a parody of such pulpit pranksters. (d) Rev. Jerry Falwell. (e) President Bush, as one of his "faith-based initiatives." (f) Bro.-Gov. Huckabee, who often speaks for God when God seems reluctant to speak for himself. 2. "His spiritual light - his light of integrity, character and a God-centered worldview-shines just as brightly today as it did that day in September, 2001, when he grabbed the bullhorn in New York City. The darker the world gets, the brighter that light shines." Who said it? (a) St. Paul, talking about Jesus Christ in the "modern retelling" of the Gospels now playing on Broadway. (b) Bro.-Gov. Huckabee, writing about President Bush in a new anthology of brown-nosing titled "Thank You, President Bush!" (c) An editorial writer for the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, in an editorial titled, "Aw, C'mon Now, Let Us Get Our Nose In There, Too." (d) Pat Robertson, in praise of himself. (e) That yahoo Springdale preacher again. 3. "Go f-word yourself." Who said it? (a) Vice President Cheney, extending the greeting he usually extends to anyone who criticizes Halliburton's profiteering in Iraq and elsewhere. (b) Vice President Cheney, giving his usual reply when asked where he's been keeping himself the last few years. (c) Vice President Cheney, responding as he has come to do more and more when anybody says anything to him about anything. (e) Former Vice President Spiro Agnew, who was pretty much the same way. (f) Bro.-Gov. Huckabee, responding to critics of his liberal clemency policy. 4. "Shove it." Who said it? (a) Senator Leahy of Vermont, responding to Vice President Cheney's invitation or instruction to go f-word himself. (b) Laura Bush, the microbiology authority, telling the Reagan family what they could do with their opinions about stem-cell research. (c) Teresa Kerry, explaining options to one of the sleazoid provocateurs who scribe for one of the vilest of the hate-Clinton rags. (c) Johnny Paycheck, in the song. (d) Bro.-Gov. Huckabee, responding to critics of his liberal clemency policy. (e) That dratted Springdale preacher again. (f) Former Vice President Agnew, whose vocabulary seldom ranged further than quotations No. 3 and No. 4. 5. "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." Who said it? (a) Sure sounds like Osama bin Laden. (b) Or Yasser Arafat. (c) Goofy enough to be Baghdad Bob. (d) Nixon, toward the end. (e) President Bush, trying to make a point, but … uh… (f) Groucho Marx, in the same movie in which he talks about shooting the elephant in his pajamas. (k) "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Being President." (r) That Springdale preacher again, really beginning to get on my nerves. (v) Nobody said it; nobody's that much of a moron; it's bound to be one of those made-up quotes, like from Rick Bragg or Jayson Blair or quotation No. 7 below. 6. "I'm not in any form against gays and lesbians. I'm not a homophobian." Who said it? (a) A Pulaski County justice of the peace who seems to have about as much on the ball as that Springdale preacher. (b) Ay, carumba, that Springdale preacher. (c) President Bush, in his endorsement of the Gay Marriage Ban amendment. (d) Bro.-Gov. Huckabee, in his endorsement of the same. (e) Kermit, who added, "An amphibian, yes. But not a homophobian." 7. "You can't really call yourself a Southerner unless'n you've experienced the great thrill of blowing something's head off, and experienced it a right smart." Who said it? (a) Bro.-Gov. Huckabee, ridiculing Sen. Edwards, the Democratic vice presidential nominee, as anti-Southern for saying he's no longer an avid hunter or NASCAR follower. (b) Tommy Robinson, apparently referring to varmints rather than suspects, or maybe not. (c) Congressman Mike Ross, tying himself ever tighter to the NRA. (d) Justice Scalia and Vice President Cheney, in a joint statement after one of their recent duck shoots. (e) Sen. Blanche Lincoln, attempting to shore up her South Arkansas support. 8. "Who would free a madman who beat an 18-year-old woman with Chinese martial-art sticks, raped her as she barely clung to life, ran over her with his car, then dumped her in the bayou, her hand reaching up, as if begging for mercy?" Who said it? (a) A Jacksonville newspaper editor, referring to Bro.-Gov. Huckabee's announcement that he planned to grant clemency to that particular obviously-deserving perp. (b) Some bleeding heart who just can't get over such a mere "incident," as the perp and his pastor described the crime. (c) Some Democrat. (d) Somebody who doesn't appreciate that the governor has more important things to think about.

From the ArkTimes store


Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

More by Bob Lancaster

  • Wretched rez

    I had some New Year's Rez(olutions) for 2016 but that ship sailed so I'm renaming them my Spring Rez or my All-Occasion Whatevers and sending them along.
    • May 26, 2016
  • Nod to Bob

    A look back at the weird and wonderful world of Bob Lancaster.
    • Mar 21, 2013
  • On black history

    If you're going to devote an entire month to appreciating the history of a color, it might as well be the color black.
    • Feb 14, 2013
  • More »

Most Shared

Latest in Bob Lancaster

  • Lancaster retires

    Bob Lancaster, one of the Arkansas Times longest and most valued contributors, retired from writing his column last week. We’ll miss his his contributions mightily. Look out, in the weeks to come, for a look back at some of his greatest hits. In the meantime, here's a good place to start.

    • Feb 21, 2013
  • On black history

    If you're going to devote an entire month to appreciating the history of a color, it might as well be the color black.
    • Feb 14, 2013
  • Making it through

    Made it through another January, thank the Lord.
    • Feb 6, 2013
  • More »

Event Calendar

« »


  1 2
3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10 11 12 13 14 15 16
17 18 19 20 21 22 23
24 25 26 27 28 29 30

Most Viewed

  • Money talks

    Democratic candidates face a dilemma in Arkansas. To take on the GOP members who are firmly entrenched in the state Legislature and Congress, they will need lots of money and lots of votes. The easiest way to get more votes is to spend more money. Obscene amounts of money. And thanks to the U.S. Supreme Court's Citizens United decision and President Trump's judicial appointments, this will be our reality for a long time. The six Republicans who make up our congressional delegation have stopped pretending to care about their constituents. They vote in line with the interests of big corporations and lobbyists. They know what side their bread is buttered on.
  • Gratitude

    Now, more than ever, I find myself thankful for those who resist. Those who remind us of our higher common values. The fact-checkers and truth-tellers. Those who build bridges in communities instead of walls to segregate. The ones who stand up and speak out against injustice.
  • Silly acts, good law

    It was unavoidable that the struggle by sexual minorities to gain the equal treatment that the Constitution promises them would devolve into silliness and that the majestic courts of the land would have to get their dignity sullied in order to resolve the issues.

Most Recent Comments

  • Re: Money talks

    • I understand what you are saying about money, but there are always exceptions and a…

    • on December 15, 2017
  • Re: A difference

    • History is likely to move with light speed in concluding that in late 2017 society…

    • on December 14, 2017
  • Re: A difference

    • Gillibrand is a tough chick, and she knows she is a political whore, like 95%…

    • on December 14, 2017

© 2017 Arkansas Times | 201 East Markham, Suite 200, Little Rock, AR 72201
Powered by Foundation