Don't even think it 

More questions for our old pseudonymous amigo Assmunch, with his replies.

Q. I see your [Little Rock] police gave a guy a ticket for expressing “dislike” of how they were doing their jobs. I’m planning a trip to Little Rock soon and I was wondering: Can they give me a ticket for just thinking they’re not doing a very good job?

A. Yeah, they’ll give you one for that too. You can also get one for looking at them funny. I’m sure I’ll get one for putting these disrespectful remarks in the paper. Probably the worst thing you can do, though, if you witness them in some sort of violation, is to yell “Citizen’s arrest! Citizen’s arrest!” in your best Gomer imitation. They hate that.

Q. Someone sent me your recent defamatory appraisal of the 21st Century so far and I want you to know I don’t appreciate it. What’s not to like? I think it’s been just a great century so far, especially the music, the babes, and the wisdom that’s available from talk radio, my personal favorite being the sports talk part. Here’s what I’ve learned from it: You don’t have to pay off your credit cards — just get another one — and if you mess up and have children you can push them off on your parents or grandparents to raise. I don’t see a thing wrong with this. They’ve partied all they’re going to, so why dreary up your own life? I think you’re just angry because you hate God and Bush and they both rule!

A. That’s probably it, all right. I do hate God — at least the cartoon version that chitchats with Bro. Pat and chums with Bro. Jim D. and speaks to us lower sinners by way of cornball billboard platitudes. He’s usurped the Throne here in Century 21, and he’s almost enough by his lonesome to have ruint the impressionable young century at its git. I plead not guilty to hating Bush — you don’t want to waste good, honest hatred on a mere twerp — but I do hate that he and his wife have suffered such agonies from the Iraq War, more than anyone else, including those fighting and dying there and their families, this according to Mrs. B.

Among Century 21’s many disagreeable features is its comprehensive impudence — evident, for instance, in how these whoremonger fire-ants just moved in through the baseboards and completely took over our parlor and guest bedroom. They won’t even allow us to go in there anymore. It’s pretty bad when squatter ants won’t let you go in parts of your own home. No telling what they’re bringing in there — road-kill and pornography are two that I know about.

Q. I just read that the human race couldn’t live more than four years if all the honeybees died, and suddenly it appears that our cell phones are killing them off by the billions. What do you think our chances are?

A. I don’t much care for bees, and usually take a ping-pong paddle around with me so I can swat them as they make their kamikaze dives at me. They really do this — it’s not just a phobia or paranoia on my part, and I don’t know how it started, this mutual bee-Bob enmity. It’s pretty much the same way I always felt about the late Bro. Falwell. It was like he’d just think up things that would get my goat and then embrace them as principles, flaunting them as that aforementioned bicycle guy did his dislike for uniforms wheelie-popping, flaunting them as Wally Hall does his ignorance, as certain geezer editors do yore Pulitzers copped back when they were pups.

I think we could last a lot longer than four years without bees, as much Spam as we’ve got canned up and ready to go. But that’s just my opinion and I might be wrong.

Q. Let me quote you something from a Mitt Romney presidential campaign flyer. It says, “In this media-driven age, Romney begins with a decisive advantage. First, he has sensational good looks. Standing 6 feet, 2 inches tall, Romney has jet-black hair, graying naturally at the temples. Women — who will play a critical role in this coming election — have a word for him: hot.” So what do you think? Is Mitt a hottie? Or is this just more campaign blather like his claiming to be the big-time large-bore bunny hunter?

A. Call me old-fashioned, but I can’t see how any discussion of presidential-candidate oestrus could be anything other than demeaning all around, and in this particular instance there are tricky lurking background sectarian seraglio intimations that you can monkey with if you want to, but count me out. If you remember the old Fourth of July oration “10 Reasons Why Rome Fell,” you’ll recall that No. 7 on the list was that Roman electors came to neglect serious issues, such as the need to withdraw their troops from Iraq, in favor of frivolous ones like ranking their aspirant Caesars as hot, hotter, hottest, and, in the manner of their imbecile Populi magazine, positively smokin’. We’re on the same Via Damnosus, obviously, in bad need of High Billboard instruction on turning back.



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