Getting it 

"You just don't get it," the little boogers used to tell me in exasperation.

And of course they were right. I didn't get it then; I don't get it now; I'll never get it.

 "Get what?" I was reduced to answering them plaintively. And then from them a roll of the eyes, a sigh, a shrug.

 If you have to ask what it is that you don't get, there's no place for the conversation to go.

 You always think of the what later, when it does you no good, when the issue has mooted (for them, anyway) into even ancienter history than pre-Justin Bieberism, to that remote geological epoch when there were rug rats acrawl, teletubbies awaddle, angry beavers being angry, and unlimbed cukes and Better Boys singing of pirates who don't do anything.

 So I thought I'd write down some of what I don't get, for quick consultation if it comes up again, which it won't, I guess, the fossilization process having reached the point that it has.  

 Here's a smattering of it, or whatever the negative of a smattering is.

 I don't get fishing unless you're going to eat them. I don't get noodling for them in any case.

 I don't get staring at goats as a military tactic. I don't get Duggaring till the cows come home. I don't get wormholes as shortcuts through outer space. I don't get economic theories that rely heavily, or at all, on trickle down. I don't get the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, which it makes sense that I wouldn't. I don't get the Cold Dead Hand pledge and probably won't as long as I've got the grenade-launcher in the broom closet.

 I don't get music that makes me hate my ears.

 I don't get how it threatens the sanctity of your marriage what they do slightly different from how you do it. I don't get meth if it's going to make you look like that. I don't get torture, looking at it from either side of the waterboard. I don't get pit bulls. I don't get why inspecting meat is socialism. I don't get body piercing if it's done on purpose with permission.

 I don't get staying on the telephone 18 hours a day, unless it's just because you can. I don't get frivolous presidential impeachment. I don't get croutons. I don't get Nascar. I don't get Afghanistan. I don't get cockwobbling.

 I don't get why the caption writer over at Your THV can't get it through his or her head that there's no "a" in cemetery. I don't get lizards and ducks selling insurance to apes that don't believe in evolution. I don't get the idea currently fashionable that stupidity can light the way up out of misfeasance.

 I don't get beauty pagents with toddler contestants made up to look like streetwalkers. I don't get multi-tasking, unless it means something like walking and chewing gum at the same time. I don't get the Westboro ghouls, unless it's some fundamental wiring flaw in that segment's little bitty brains.

 I don't get putting clothes on pets.  

 Just to start with, I don't get the Trump hair.

 I don't get hoarding after it passes a certain ratty threshold. I don't get Cabot. I don't get monster truck rallies. I don't get Tiger worship. I don't get pet snakes. I don't get taxidermy. I don't get tureens. I don't get either Zen or the art of motorcycle maintenance. I don't get most poetry, but I don't mind if you want to go on pretending that you do.

 I don't get Sudoku.  I don't get Goth. I don't get game-day tailgating. I don't get coprophagia. I don't get the prosperity gospel, unless it's merely a pulpit application of the basic secular Huckamooch: "You give me what you've got and we'll both be blessed."

 I don't get rims. I don't get grillz. I don't get the panty-wadding over the specter of Sharia law. Or over light bulbs. Or over Happy Holidays. I don't get parades. I don't get predestination. I don't get camping out. I don't get glossalalia. I don't get sugar in the cornbread.

 Just about the entire L. Ron Hubbard canon, I don't get.

 I don't get money; I get that it's metal tokens and pieces of paper, but it's also something else, and it's the arbitrariness of the something else that I don't get.

 I don't get keno. I don't get reset-button bankruptcy. I don't get divination. I don't get modernity. I don't get covenant wedlock. I don't get furbieism. I don't get string theory. I don't get Biblical literalism. I don't get Dick Morris-type toesuckery. I don't get what is meant by the expression "that makes my ass want a dip of snuff."

 I don't get premillennial dispensationalism, any more than I do dispensational premillennialism. I don't get serial-killer groupies. I don't get spelunking. I don't get Johnny Knoxville-type jackassery. I don't get skydiving, or mountain climbing if there's a chance in hell of falling off. I don't get forcing parenthood on rape victims. I don't get plagiarism. I don't get what insects are up to. I don't get husbanding truck. I don't get alligator wrangling. I don't get livestock judging, and I don't get why anybody sober would ride a real or mechanical bull.


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