Favorite

God done it 

We get a lot of tips here in the office — good tips, bad tips, tips that turn out to be the truth even though you would have bet a dollar to a dogtick there was no way that could be true. Tips are the lifeblood of a news-gathering organization, along with coffee in the morning, tea in the afternoon and hard liquor after quittin' time.

Last week, we were lounging around the newsroom when somebody sent an electronic brick through the window saying that a Republican legislator up at the Capitol planned to introduce a bill that he predicted would be the most controversial of the session.

Given that the State Capitol building has become a veritable Kook Roost these days, with its inmates passing laws so out there that even the New York Times has sent reporters down here to make sure they're serious, the idea that somebody would get all superlative on us when it comes to controversy set off a fresh batch of head scratching around the newsroom and, later, when we posted the question online: What could it be?

At the risk of giving the folks up on Penitentiary Hill more ideas to help prod us back to the caves at the point of a crucifix, The Observer cast our vote for the following. It had to be either:

"The You Can Have My Gun When You Pry It From My Translucent, Unformed Fingers Act of 2013," which, if enacted, would require every woman of fertile age to have a small-caliber handgun implanted in the lining of her uterus, so that any potential fetus can immediately begin to fend off abortion doctors.

Or:

"The God Done It Act," which will state that while grading a biology or geology exam taken by an Arkansas student, teachers are required by law to accept "God Done It" as an acceptable answer to any question. Also acceptable: "God Dun That," "Gah Dood Dit," or "Werk of the Debil."

As of yet, our mystery legislator and his or her grand social compact have yet to be revealed, but we're currently leaning toward the one about arming the unborn. A law that combines guns AND fetuses, with zero regard for a woman's health, safety or personal privacy? In Arkansas these days, that one's definitely a keeper.

The Observer was out and about the other day, doing The King's Business, when we wheeled into a convenience store in North Little Rock, looking for a caffeine fix. After preparing our beverage, we walked to the counter, where a bright-eyed young clerk looked us up and down before exclaiming: "Are you a writer?"

We'd never been there before, and had never seen her in our life, so the question piqued our interest enough that we 'fessed up to our profession.

"As a matter of fact, I am," The Observer replied. "Why do you ask?"

"You just LOOK like a writer," she said.

Given that writers have a long-standing history of being rumpled and/or drunk, often both, we couldn't help but wonder: Is looking "like a writer" a good thing, or a bad thing?

We might have to get back to you on that one. In the meantime: Does anybody have a comb?

The Observer gets on The Book o' Face quite a bit to commiserate with friends about how all the polar bears are drowning, the world is going to Hades in a handbasket and politics are straight up peanut-butter-and-pickle-sammich crazy. That said, we think we may have actually hit on a solution for stopping some of the senseless violence we've seen of late.

The answer came during a discussion about a recent shooting in Little Rock that took a young man's life. Police soon arrested two men in the crime, both old enough to vote, but neither of them old enough to legally buy a beer. They've been charged with capital murder, which means they're looking at spending the rest of their natural lives in prison.

Here's The Observer's idea, crude but effective: Billboards all over town bearing a picture of a pair of large, naked breasts. Underneath, it should say: "Take a good look. Because if you get life in prison for being an impulsive, homicidal jackass, you'll never see another pair again."

Car accidents would probably go through the roof, but we're thinking murders would plummet to their lowest level in years.

Favorite

From the ArkTimes store

Comments

Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Readers also liked…

  • I'm sorry

    I'm sorry we stood by while your generation's hope was smothered by $1.3 trillion in student loan debt, just because you were trying to educate yourselves enough to avoid falling for the snake oil and big talk of a fascist.
    • Nov 17, 2016
  • Show and tell

    The Observer is an advocate of the A+ method of integrating the arts and using creativity to teach across the curriculum, an approach that the Thea Foundation, with help from the Windgate Charitable Foundation, is offering to schools across the state.
    • Feb 25, 2016
  • Yawp

    The Observer has been in a funk lately for a number of reasons: revulsions and slights, both foreign and domestic. We get that way most years as the winter drags on, once the tinsel and colored lights of Christmas drop into the rearview, soon after we come off the New Year's Day hangover.
    • Mar 24, 2016

Most Shared

  • 'Cemetery angel' Ruth Coker Burks featured in new short film

    Ruth Coker Burks, the AIDS caregiver and activist memorably profiled by David Koon as the cemetery angel in Arkansas Times in 2015, is now the subject of a short film made by actress Rose McGowan.
  • Buyer remorse

    Out here in flyover country, you can't hardly go by the feed store without running into a reporter doing one of those Wisdom of the Heartland stories.
  • Not Whitewater

    Just think: If Democrats had turned out 78,000 more votes in three states in November, people could be reveling today in the prospect of impeaching and convicting President Hillary Clinton, not Donald Trump, as some Republican lawmakers had promised to try to do if she won.
  • Head-shaking

    Another edition of so-much-bad-news-so-little space.

Latest in The Observer

  • Twenty

    Forgive The Observer a public love letter, Dear Reader. A gentleman never kisses and tells, but he is allowed to swoon a bit, and so we will. Last week made 20 years since we wed our beloved in her grandpa's little church way down in El Dorado, two dumb kids with nothing but our lives stretching out before us like an open road.
    • Jul 27, 2017
  • Dumb and smart, at the same time

    The Observer spent the week at a bar and thought a lot about a joke and its writer.
    • Jul 20, 2017
  • -30-

    A newspaper died up in Atkins a few weeks back, not with a bang or a whimper, but with the sound of change jingling in a pocket, just too little of it to keep the printing presses rolling.
    • Jul 13, 2017
  • More »

Event Calendar

« »

July

S M T W T F S
  1
2 3 4 5 6 7 8
9 10 11 12 13 14 15
16 17 18 19 20 21 22
23 24 25 26 27 28 29
30 31  

Most Viewed

  • Parole and politics

    Will another high-profile crime derail parole reform?
  • Best of Arkansas 2017

    Cream of the shops, and more
  • Nutt chills Freeze

    Also, Sarah Huckabee Sanders takes the podium and Trump getting less popular in Arkansas.
  • Twenty

    Forgive The Observer a public love letter, Dear Reader. A gentleman never kisses and tells, but he is allowed to swoon a bit, and so we will. Last week made 20 years since we wed our beloved in her grandpa's little church way down in El Dorado, two dumb kids with nothing but our lives stretching out before us like an open road.
  • Doing a bang-up business

    Stacey Bowers' jewelry line.

Most Recent Comments

 

© 2017 Arkansas Times | 201 East Markham, Suite 200, Little Rock, AR 72201
Powered by Foundation