GOP highlight reel 

It's become clearer in recent weeks what the agenda will be when the Republicans complete the big takeover next month of national, state and local politics.

Here's some of what you can look forward to:

• Disobedient children shall be subject to prosecution and execution. The genius who thought this one up didn't express a preference for the method of execution that would be used on the disrespectful little boogers. Hanging or shooting probably, as lethal injection would be too lenient and nobody would learn nothing from it.

• Two years is all the time you get enjoying the free room and board of prison life in Arkansas. If you haven't seen the light and gyst after two years, you'll be certified for immediate execution. Or if you commit an additional crime after your two years and your second chance, it's saryonara MF for you. No exceptions; no appeals. Probably by hanging or shooting, as the prospect of lethal injection isn't going to scare anybody straight and it would be too expensive and wasteful of electricity to get Ole Sparky out again.

• The hoary old "slavery was not all bad" mantra is revived. Bondage had its positive side, and it had a light side. Slaves learned to talk with a funny accent, lak dis here sho nuff, and this brightened everybody's day, theirs and their masters'. If they had tried to go to school with whites, it would've made jigaboo idiots out of everybody.

• Abraham Lincoln is unmasked, even though he called himself GOP.

• Muslims and Mexicans to be rounded up and deported, but apparently not Mormons although they start with an M also. Maybe malcontents. Methodists.

• No more food stamps, except those already issued can be used for postage. No school lunch program, unless Chick-fil-A gets the concession.

• Labor unions to be outlawed. They are Communist, as you can tell from the first sentence of Karl Marx's book. Notice that the first thing they did when they took over Russia was name it the Soviet Union. Collective bargaining just another name for extortion — taking it from the rightful owners and giving it to goldbricks that call in sick half the time and make some kind of big deal out of it if you sexually harass one of them even in just a minor way. Public employees who try to organize or stay organized to be fired first and their pensions rescinded, and all the other pensions rescinded except of course the ones that legislators vote to give themselves.

• "Greed is Good" inscription added to coins.

• Child labor laws to be repealed. This was the only really bold proposal to come out of the Newt Gingrich presidential campaign. At the same time, minimum wage laws to be repealed and eliminated altogether. This should help close the sweatshop gap that India and China have opened over us. Myself, I wouldn't go below age six if you're talking full-time work, six days a week, but that's why they call me a liberal.

• Burdensome government regulations will be rescinded. Meaning, all government regulations will be rescinded. DDT killed a bunch of eagles; so what? The bottom line of thalidomide was a new wave of really entertaining booth freaks at the carnival midways.

• No new taxes on anybody that can afford to pay them. And the taxes that are already being assessed given back to those who least need the money. And since turnback money always has strings, we'll be declining that, too. Infrastructure sminfrastructure. Dirt roads weren't so bad. Outhouses weren't so bad. Iceboxes weren't so bad. You could probably power a TV with a coal-oil lamp if you applied some good old American ingenuity.

•You get the option of having your drinking water fluoridated or not. That's the American way. Freedom of choice. They can poison you and yours if you say it's OK, but they can't if you vote to opt out. You want poison water as one of your entitlements, fine. The U.S. Constitution gives you that right. So does the Bible, where it talks about Sodom and Gomorrah. But we have freedom of choice here, where all they had was gays.

• Rape to be decriminalized. Mandatory vaginal probes to check the veracity of alleged victims.

•Molestation to be decriminalized if perp is clergy or Republican officeholder. Abortion to be criminalized as premeditated murder, and anybody who has one, performs one, or happens to be in the vicinity and doesn't alert authorities will be prosecuted. Also prosecuted will be anybody who ever had one back when they were legal, or ever performed one then, or had sonogram expertise and access and didn't exercise it.

•As a preliminary version of abortion, birth control to be prohibited. All the devices and procedures. Preventing a life from coming into being is arguably worse than abortion, since the aborted feti get to go to Limbo, while those stymied by birth control are doomed to languish eternally as thwarted potentialities lost and eyeless out there in the great nothing. Cruel and unusual.

•Socialized medicine out the same door that pre-existing conditions re-enter by.

•Polygamy reclassified as a victimless eccentricity.

•After your first billion, you're pretty much home free with the GOP in charge.

•Intelligent design at last has its day.


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